Contact parents or school?

[Leveling5]

DS is in year 3 and has had a similar friendship group since starting reception.

There have been a few issues with one of his friends on and off over the years, where DS will say this friend has hit/punched/upset someone (very rarely DS, more often some of the other friends). We've been encouraging him to tell a grown up when something happens but often he doesn't.

It has been noticed by a teacher a couple of times and the child has been reprimanded but it's often been seen as playing rough gone too far rather than anything malicious.

Last week an incident happened almost every day and DS has been quite upset about it. Either the friend saying something mean to DS, or punching him, or hurting one of their other friends.

I think DS has now given up on telling a grown up, maybe he is worried about repercussions.

I know the parents of the child really well and feel bad going straight to the school. Should I speak with them to give them a chance to handle it first?

But then it would be clear it came from DS and may get back to the child.

What would you do? It feels quite an awkward situation but DH is starting to get upset with me for not standing up for DS more and he's probably right.

If it's happening at school, I'd go to the school. Especially since it's involving other children.

School!

Go into school and get it sorted otherwise it will just keep happening, if nothing is done then change schools.

Just to add if your son knows nothing will happen then he will stop speaking to adults because in his head there's no point and that could lead to problems.

School first, every time. Going to the parents is only an option once you've explored all school options. And I say that as someone who ended up dealing (with other parents) with the board of governors in relation to one child in DS's class.

School first definitely

School. I understand that your DS is trying to protect his friends but he needs to tell an adult when this child hits him or says something mean to him. Otherwise it’s going to be easier for it to be dismissed as ‘telling tales.’

Thank you all, I will contact the school. Up to now it has mostly involved other kids so I didn't feel if it was my place to raise it based only on second hand information, but it seems to have escalated a bit lately and DS has been upset. Also, one of the other friends seems to be the main one being targeted and he's so quiet he may not ever speak up.

It has mainly been confusing for DS, to see that one of his closest friends can turn on him. In the past he has felt really bad about not wanting this friend to be ostracised and end up with no friends, so he kept being friendly with him despite knowing his behaviour wasn't good, as he wasn't being targeted directly.

Lately we've had a lot of "he's not my friend anymore" and he's just a bit gobsmacked that it keeps happening.

But when I have mentioned raising it with the school he gets very upset. Should I tell him I am raising it so he's aware it's not acceptable and the right thing to do, or spare him the angst and not mention it and hope things quieten down?

DS is very sensitive, I wouldn't want him to stop talking to me in future because he is worried that I'll report things.

When you talk to the school, tell them what you’ve said here - your DS is sensitive, so you want them to handle it delicately with no blow back on the innocent children involved.

I wish I had... I kept my initial message quite vague and asked how to be best report it/get it handled (thinking they'd then ask for more details) but within 30 minutes, the teacher had spoken to DS and to the other child.

I really appreciated the swift action but was really worried that it would have made things worse. Initially DS seemed OK with it all but the last few days he's not quite been himself and has reported getting bothered by the child most days (relatively mild stuff but I still think it has backfired). DS is very sensitive and his sleep has been awful. He takes hours to get to sleep at night and is waking constantly. I am wishing I hadn't said anything now!

Come on, you are the adult here and you seem to be tip-toeing around a 7year old who is looking to you to help him!
Make an in person appointment with ideally the head teacher ASAP. Do not be fobbed off with a phone call or a member of staff that will be unable to do anything. Take with you a written list of times and incidents. Re-iterate how this is affecting YOUR son and ask how the school intends to proceed. Ask what the school's policy is and within what time frame you can expect it to be dealt with.
Do not approach the other parent. Do not tell your son before you go. If appropriate you can tell him that you were called to a meeting about this.
Follow up with head teacher after 2 weeks. Keep asking your child how their day was without specifically mentioning this child. As mum of 2 now late teenagers, these things are always better nipped in the bud and the school will have a policy to deal with it.

I am wishing I hadn't said anything now!

You are within your rights to go back to the school and tell them they’ve responded appallingly and that the innocents are now getting blowback.
Ask them to sort it out and put things right for the children being targeted.
You did the right thing reporting it, but the school has let you down. Follow it up, and get them to fix it.