DD not coping with new sibling

[PermanentlyTired03]

I had a baby 2 weeks ago, my eldest daughter is 4 and was initially quite excited. We talked about it lots and prepared her the best we could.
during the day she’s generally okay, I’m aware she doesn’t have as much attention from me but I try wherever possible to keep her involved and play with her (she’s at preschool 4 days) when I’m not attending to the baby. At night it’s like a switch flips, screaming and screeching constantly, kicking us, acting dangerously towards the baby, it’s getting to the point where I don’t know what more we can do. DH has started sleeping with her but he’s now more knackered than me and I’m in with a breastfed newborn!
I was expecting some behaviour issues going from 1 child to 2 but it’s just another level.
Anyone else had this?

It’s a big adjustment for her. We had a tough period when DC2 was born. One thing I would recommend is to completely focus on your dd on the day she’s not in preschool and prioritize her for that day. Go out somewhere she wants to go to, arrange play dates with her friends, her favorite food for meals. Of course baby will be there but just do the basics of care for that day and let baby just tag along for the day with everything else. We did this and she was fine after a week or so, she knew this was her day with mummy.

Her life has exploded. She holds it together all day and then gets tired and loses her shit (like we can all do when we are tired) at night.
Keep loving her and telling her so. Keep calm but definite boundaries. You will all readjust and settle.
Congratulations on your new baby.

I read an analogy that helped me when I had my second.
How would you feel if your husband suddenly brought a new wife home? What would help you accept her? ( I mean obviously you wouldn't because it would be mental but go with it for the analogy 🤣)
Plenty of love, reassurance and understanding that her behaviour is normal considering the atomic bomb that's just gone off in her life.

Also your baby is 2 weeks old. Everything is still so new and fresh. Baby will naturally need a little less from you as time goes on and the baby feeds less often, poos less often, cries less etc. so you'll be able to give more to your toddler again. my baby is 4 months now and my toddler is slowly coming round to the idea that maybe his brother isn't the devil. Baby is happy watching my toddler for larger time periods now so I can play with my DS and baby sits in his bouncer chair watching.

At four, you are too old not to realise that life has changed but too young to process the changes without difficulty. It's a huge shock when another child comes to live in YOUR HOUSE.

Jesus I absolutely hate that How would you feel if your husband suddenly brought a new wife home? What would help you accept her

Sorry @Lijay1 i know it isn’t you personally, I’ve seen it a few times. And it makes absolutely no sense because you wouldn’t accept her - at the very least, if the marriage was to continue (it probably wouldn’t) you’d insist the ‘new wife’ would vanish forever.

Plus I don’t like parents of more than one child being compared to husbands committing adultery, myself. I actually found it very upsetting when my DD was born.

What I do think works and makes more sense as an analogy is how we feel when we find out some friends have met up without us, or we see on Facebook a photo of two of our friends meeting up together and they haven’t invited you. That feeling of hurt (no matter how old you get) is one I think is similar to how our older children can feel when counting a new baby home.

It does get better - my DS was horrible to newborn DD, pinching her and hurting her if he got a chance but he’s four now and very loving and patient. It’s hard for you too, newborns are hard for everyone.

We had similar - lots of tantrums, insisting on being picked up by me, refusal of DH etc etc.

Just have to get through it I'm afraid. Lots of love, trying to give her some time one on one when baby naps - we built Lego cos it was his brand new interest. Try keep your boundaries, but reassuring enforcement of that makes sense. I don't know if we did it 'right' but he adores his younger brother and they're playing brilliantly together a year on

I realised how much being a toddler was being told all the time to change the way you were doing something, and tried to change my language.

Consider things like are they having disrupted sleep cos of crying as well.

Oh, and he was very upset that he went to nursery and baby stayed home with me but I was non negotiable on nursery as important for one on one so played up the positives as well as making my time at home sound very boring

My DD really struggled in the first few months, the evening witching hours didn't help and she was 7 when her sister was born, she didn't act out, but she wrote a letter asking to go live with my parents because we loved her sister more than her. I then used the carrier/sling a lot so that I could interact with DD more hands free, sitting and colouring with her, days out etc and whenever DD was down asleep I would have focussed time with DD1 and let her choose the activity, DH would do the same, we alternated the evenings to do this, after a few weeks there was a noticeable improvement and we continued doing this for as long as she needed it

It's natural that a 4 year old will have her nose put out of joint with a usurper {as she will see doubtlessly see a new baby }
She probably thought she was getting instant playmate, rather than a noisy mewling infant that takes mum's attention away.

Very few 4 yr olds will be overjoyed at the arrival of a new sibling.
Definitely give her some attention so she feels less left out.

Can your husband take her out for some individual attention ? Her life has been completely upended with the new baby.

You can read advice and if it wouldn't work for you.... Scroll on and add the advice that you prefer. You don't have to go sorry but only my analogy and advice is the right one. Therefore everyone else is wrong and must be told. Just an idea 😊

Your analogy is worse though because it's in no way the same. Being hurt you're not included in a meet up is not the same as having someone new move into your house (without having any choice or control over the matter) and having lots of attention (that used to be solely yours) from the people you love most in the world. It's not a moral comparison ie having an affair and moving a new wife in is the same morally as having another child.

OP her entire world (which at that age is small and confusing anyway) has completely changed, it's a huge adjustment and this behaviour isn't uncommon. It will pass, but lots of reassurance, lots of prioritising her when you safely can, when the times right get her involved in caring for baby etc so she feels included.

It’s probably a fair point but I do remember being compared to an adulteress pretty distressing in the newborn days. I’m in no way having a go at you personally, it’s a fairly common one but I just think it’s a horrible thing to say to be honest (I’m not saying it stemmed from you.)

I really don't mind if you don't like the analogy that's fair enough. My point is people will stop posting on MN if whenever they give advice or say something someone else comes a long and says that's all wrong, that's upsetting, etc. surely the idea is you get different advice to read through and you pick and choose what you think will work for you.
The analogy isn't supposed to be a real life scenario that would be mental. It's the closest one to the actual situation. **