9 yr old never gets invited anywhere

[Moonbearlove]

Hello, I have a 9 year old daughter. She was sobbing her heart out tonight about the fact she never gets invited over to any of her friend's houses or to any birthday parties. She has friends at school and her teachers have never raised any concerns about her making friends and shes a lovely, friendly girl so I just don't understand it. We live in a small very close-knit town in East Yorkshire where we moved to 8 years ago where everyone knows each other and I haven't made any proper friends with any of the parents from school, as they're so cliquey and unfriendly towards people not from the area. I'm wondering if that's the reason my daughter doesn't get invited anywhere- because I'm not friends with any of the parents. It's breaking my heart as my daughter's an only child and her dad and I are separated so she only has me and she's so lonely. Does anyone have any advice? Thanks

Do you invite them?

Does she belong to any clubs outside of school?

Does she have friends over to play at her house?
Do you invite a friend for a trip out?

In my experience kids don't mind if it's always at their own house, as long as they are getting to play with their friends out of school.

Tricky. Can you try to befriend a parent to help her out? Are you inviting them over. She should invite a few for pizza or something

Yes, I have invited friends over, many times. Also my daughter had a birthday party last year where a load of her friends were invited. She didn't receive a single invite from any of them - not for a play date, birthday party, tea or anything. About a year ago one of her friends kept asking to come over to ours. I texted her mum to ask if we could arrange a play date but her mum kept making excuses, saying they were too busy etc. Yet this same child went round to other's houses. There's nothing wrong with my daughter and i so I just can't understand why this is happening.

Get her to join some after school clubs instead op. That's what I've done for dd. She goes to 3 a week, one night for homework and one night where we have some family over. Weekends are for fun things like swimming, bowling, walking, craft or home spa weekends.

Your dd hasn't found her tribe yet but she will.

Ah bless her heart. It's such an awful feeling for both you and your daughter. My daughter was similar at that age and I always put it down to the fact that I worked FT from nursery so my daughter went to morning and afternoon clubs and I wasn't around to chat to other parents on the playground or go to the park after school etc. I used to try so hard to arrange play dates and chat to the other mums and it just felt false and even after play dates it didn't really change that much anyway.

She went to a feeder senior school and so 90% of her whole junior school year went to the same school and so I was slightly worried it would continue but she's made a ton of new friends from secondary school and in particular 3 girls and they do everything together. She's now in year 10 and thriving.

As another poster said, your daughter hasn't found her tribe yet - but she will x

It sounds like one of those schools where play dates only happen when the mums are friends and they aren’t interested in expanding their circle. It usually gets better as the kids get older and don’t necessarily stay friends with the same group forever but often unfortunately this really only happens once they leave primary. In the meantime I would encourage out of school friendships if you can, different activities etc. so as long as she is happy when she is at school it is not such a big deal. Tbh I think out of school friendships are really healthy anyway so there is an alternative when kids fall out or get cliquey.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I'll try to encourage my daughter to join a club outside of school. @Flatandhappy yes that's exactly what it's like. I'm a single parent too and don't have any family support so my daughter only really has me and I worry so much about her feeling lonely and missing out on so much. I just want her to have a happy childhood before it's over.

Sounds like the mums social lives with each other are bound up with their daughters and they have their gang and you’re not in it.

It will resolve as the girls get older and manage their own friendships. In the meantime out of school activities are a good idea.Dd2 had a friendship blip early secondary and really appreciated her lovely dance friends

It won't be long until they at high and parents have zero to do with kids social stuff. In the meantime find a team sport or hobbies for her

I'd also seriously recommend volunteering at whatever activity. Can be hugely rewarding & meet like minded adults. Loads of us work full time. Don't even think about being guilty. Find your parent tribe too

My kids school sounds similar to yours. People happily accept invitations but they are rarely returned! It’s very annoying but I still invite people round if my kids want them to come.