3.4 DD - big poo relapse - not competence related but almost certain attention seeking/control - what to do? Wits end.....

[cookiemonstress]

Have posted on here a few times. Bit of long story but short version as follows.
DD1 potty trained (2nd attempt) at 2.11. Took a v relaxed approach and no pressure applied at all. Within a few days it had clicked and was able to wee/poo on toilet. A week later she regressed to pooing in her pants or her night time nappy. This carried on for the next 6 months.. Poo's incentivised in every way you can imagine and both of us completely backed off.
Went to see HV and mentioned this and her opinion was that dd1 was certainly capable (as she had previously demonstrated) and likely she was using the poo as a means of control/attention seeking. HV recommended introducing element of punishment.

Wasn't sure how I felt about this so as last ditch attempt, using a story about a princess and a box full of treats explained to dd1 that princess had called mummy and daddy (dd obsessed with princesses, not my personal choice!) and explained that DD old enough to poo on toilet she would get treat every time she did but that every time she did one in her pants, she would take back a treat and give instead to other boys and girls who were not pooing in pants.Within 24 hours, we had 3 poos on the toilet! Careful not to count our chickens, we continued to encourage (although gradually making less of a deal and using stickers to work up to a treat) and dd got to the point where she was pooing on the toilet without being prompted. She was also pooing with other people and out and about.

But sadly not a happy ending. After 3 weeks of perfect pooing, she has reverted back to pooing in her pants and i have absolutely no idea why she might be doing this...is it control? if so what to do????

I'm afraid all I can do is eagerly watch this one. Our DD is exactly the same age as yours and refuses to poo in the pot or the loo, only in knickers or even her pants. In our case she sometimes complains it hurts, which may be the case, but I am also wondering about the control element as it's been going on for so long.

So just a supportive you're not alone post. Wish I had more to add!

Good to know that not alone!.. I have read that this is common in children who have issues with constipation but that certainly isn't the case for DD. It was certainly interesting that when dd was pooing for the 'princess' (instead of us). she could almost poo on demand on the toilet but I'm alarmed at this massive set back over the weekend. I'm wondering whether the night time nappy is giving mixed messages? She doesn't want to wear a nappy at night but is not ready to go through the night (still v wet) but not sure what to do? Would endure wet beds for a while if I thought it would help!

Maybe you need to just plod on with the princess routine of incentives/rewards etc for much longer. Consistancy is everything at this age.

You could also reinforce the point that a night time nappy is only for wees. I took mine out of night time nappies at about this age and just took them to the toilet when I went to bed. This was 15 years ago and I know a lot of people disagree with it, but we had very few wet beds.

Also, you might want to consider whether there is anything else going on within the family - anything at all, even if it seems completely unrelated. Witholding is a control issue and can be precipitated by fear or anxiety about something else - even something like an overheard argument between parents, or some other stress. (I am not suggesting you have marital problems BTW, just searching for an example).

Thanks 3littlefrogs. Agree that have to keep plodding along. I have been thinking about what could have caused it but I can't pinpoint anything specific. We had just returned from a few days at my mums where there were no probs. Everything harmonious at home. Yesterday when it happened with family at a bbq and I did wonder whether it was shyness but she was with grandparents and cousins who are very much part of her weekly routine and she generally isn't shy around them. It's so hard to know what's going on in her head sometimes..:-)