How would you respond?

[Shamrock24]

Hi All,

I split with my ex (kids dad) four years ago. My kids stopped contact with him 3 years ago due to several instances of emotional and mental abuse, and one known instant of physical abuse. My kids are nearly 14 and nearly 12.

Over the years, kids dad goes several months without making contact, then will text me randomly saying he wants to see them. Sometimes it's a polite request (initially) and sometimes he's aggressive. Kids have said no every time apart from 2 years ago when I managed to convince them to agree to telephone contact but it didn't last more than a couple of weeks. Kids were clearly uninterested so he stopped calling. After they say no, he usually threatens court and sends nasty messages.

I hadnt heard from him in 18 months. Kids have their own phones and he has their numbers but hasnt contacted them direct in over 2.5 years and it was only my daughter he ever tried to contact that one time. He's ignored my sons last two birthdays, ignored my daughters last birthday and ignored Christmas. Kids were ok with this as they didn't want contact. He has now texted me saying he wants to see them. I have spoken to them both and they both have said they're not interested.

He was quite a bully to myself and the kids during our relationship. I was with him from age 16 and I now know I was quite naïve and accepted behaviour that I shouldn't have. I still get very anxious at the thought of having to speak to him or even text him.

How do I tell him the kids have said no again in a firm but non emotional way? U don't want to anger him more but they're both very adamant they're not interested in seeing him. My daughter even raised it with her school so they are now aware.

I know he will start making court threats again. He's never actually gone through with it but it still worries me.

any advise appreciated.

Op I think your children are old enough to make up their own minds regards contact with their dad. He has their phone numbers??? Just send him a text/email saying to contact them directly. If he threatens you with court action just show them a record of his contact/visits with the children. Good luck

Well the good thing is that the court threat is far less of a threat now than it used to be, as your DC are older. In the extremely unlikely event that he does pursue it, the DC's opinions would carry a lot of weight so realistically he wouldn't be granted access if they are refusing to see him.

So be straight and factual. The children have said they don't want to see you. Any threats after that, just reply with the new MN favourite phrase "ok, let me know how it goes“. Nothing will happen.

Let him go to court, they are old enough to make their own decisions

A court would very much take their Wishes and Feelings into account at their ages. Block his number in their phones so he can't send them abuse. Send him one last message saying the dc have no wish to see you. Then block him. Presumably he knows where to direct a solicitor to send any paperwork.. But imo if he cba to keep in contact how will he convince a judge he is a decent df? And will he pay for a solicitor in the first place? Doubt it.

I agree with just saying I have asked them and they say they don’t want to see you.

If he says back just ignore it and don’t get into a conversation. Don’t reply at all. You can’t control how he react only your reaction.

Please don’t do this. It’s not something that the children should have to handle if he gets aggressive.

Just tell him simply and factually. If he threatens court, fine, he can go to court.

Tell him they don't want to see him. A 6 word text.
When he replies tantrumming, do a thumbs up emoji.
If he 'threatens' court reply 'ok.'

Give him as much thought as he gives his kids.

Thank you everyone. I’ve managed to find the courage to reply to him. I said I’ve let them know he’s texted but they’ve both said they’re not interested and they have his number if they change their minds.

He read it straight away but I then blocked him because I can’t deal with the aggressive texts and threats. Not ideal I know. I wish he didn’t still make me feel like this after all these years.

Thanks for all your advice

Hi Everyone,

Just coming back here for more advise following on from the previous message.

When I replied to my ex and told him the kids aren't interested, I blocked him to prevent receiving any threats and abuse. I left it a week and then unblocked him. I've now received a message this morning asking me to send him up to date pictures of the children!

Do I have to do this? I don't think my kids would want him to have pictures of them and it also would annoy me that he could then be posting them wherever he likes and making it look like he's father of the year.

As soon as I see his name on my phone, it brings on extreme anxiety. I don't know how to stop feeling like this!

What would you do?

Thanks

Just block him again.

Why on earth would you unblock him?
Do not respond, just block him, and leave him blocked. You know it messes with your head if he contacts you, so don't let him. BLOCK

No, you don’t have to send him ANY updates.
He has his children’s phone numbers.
Your children have said they don’t want contact with their Dad.
You do not have to burden the consequences of his actions/absence.
Block him. Keep him blocked.
The courts will take one look at his long list of absences and his children’s opinions on keeping their Dad out of their life and they’ll laugh him back out of court.
Keep.
Him.
Blocked x

I worry that he'll say that by me blocking him, I'm obstructing him with regards to making an effort with the kids or alienating them. Obviously they have their own phones and he could contact them if he wants to. I also didnt want him saying he's made loads of attempts and effort when I know he hasnt. Apart from these messages, there's been nothing in 18 months and nothing before that for another 12 months.

Am I allowed to leave him blocked??

OP. - he is using your phone to abuse you.
He isn't really parenting. He has other ways of getting parental privileges but isn't using these. He enjoys disturbing you.

You could calmly reply that you will relay his request to them. ( They are of an age to decide for themselves about contact and pictures. )

However- it is obvious that contact with him distresses you. He knows you well and will be aware of this.

Block him and move on.

Of course you can leave him blocked. You are not stopping him from contacting the DC if he wants to. This is just another tactic to screw with you.