Kids not playing together at playdates

[kva]

I have a very sociable 4 years old DD. She and my good friend's kid are almost never playing together when we meet. It's just not happening as he is not interested in communicating with her 90% of the time.

I've been trying to 'fix' it for a few years now and turin it into a more conventional playdate when kids are playing together and adults can take a breezer and chat. Instead, my DD constantly interrupts me as she is bored or upset that my friend's kids is not engaging in her games. I've been trying to make them play together but no luck yet.

I am always a bit exhausted after these meetings, although I appreciate my friend very much. Today my DH suggested that I stop trying to fix the lack of engagement between the kids and just do activities with my DD when she is bored or lonely at these playdates. Would that be rude as I'd have to concentrate on my DD instead of my friend? At the moment I always insists that DD goes back to my friend's kid and plays with him.

What else could I do to improve the quality of these meetings?

Could they play separately but alongside each other? So she’s playing with toy a and he’s playing with toy b, they’re not playing together but neither of them needs your input.

Whose house is this at? If at yours, maybe the boy is distracted by all the toys and stuff he hasn’t got at home. If at his maybe he’s gone into home mode and just doing his usual thing. Might work better to meet at the playground?

Basically I don’t think you can make her child play with yours and I don’t think this is unusual at this age. So either encourage your child to play independently alongside, or accept that you’re going to have to interact with your child quite a lot during your her playdate.

Surely he has a house full of toys that she can play with and amuse herself while you have a chat. Tell her to go play.

Absolutely normal at 4. By age 6 you won't see the DC for the whole play date - and they will also tell you if they don't like the other child and just refuse to go if that's the case

This is happening at multiple settings.

The situation is a bit better at my friend's house as DD is interested in playing with his toys for some time and they can play next to each other. After an hour of doing so, she'd still want to play or do activities with kids or adults eventually, as she really thrives on socialising.

We kind of have it at playdates with other kids. Once DD and another kid 'clicked' they play for ages and she rarely needs me.

At that age it's pretty normal. DCs need attention and support at that age and you can't really expect to sit and chat uninterrupted unless there is another adult to supervise. I used to meet up with a mum and we'd put our dcs in the gym creche while we'd sit in the coffee shop and catch up, and another one where our dcs both did a Saturday morning class at the same venue so they were kept busy for an hour. Do you have any facilities like that nearby?

Look up parallel play. It’s developmental notmal behaviour at this age. Your Dh is right, just dial back playbdates for a while as it sounds stressful.

Maybe they just don't get on? You can't force a friendship between them.

I think it sounds like they just don't gel, especially if your daughter is sociable with other friends. It seems a bit unfair to be forcing her often into a situation with a kid she's not very comfortable with to be honest. Can you meet your friend separately without the children?

Thanks for suggesting that. A softplay date worked once, as my DD was playing with someone else there. It was a bit strange but I think this could be an option.

Maybe they just don't click? Unfortunately just because you are friends with the mum doesn't necessarily mean that the children will want to be friends.

Can you provide activities that the children can do separately?

My 4yo DD LOVES these sticker books. I save them for when I really want to catch up with a friend but can't find time to do it child free.

https://www.axelbooks.com/products/sticker-dollies-stories-3-books-collection-set-sticker-dolly-stories-christmas-mystery-woodland-princess-waterlily-ball

Meet the mum friend without dc, suggest you do grownup time together. Some dc are just at different stages and you cant force it. In a year or so it might all change

Sorry, it's actually these ones, where you dress the "dolls"

https://www.theworks.co.uk/p/sticker-books/sticker-dolly-dressing-halloween/9781474986922.html

Yes, it could be just very different personalities. It used to be a bit better but recently DD said she did not want to play with the kid during the playdate (I assume as he was not responding to her after some attempts).

DH said I am a bit unfair to DD and should prioritise her, he is right. It's just was my dream that the relationship between our kids work out in the end.

Thank you, I will try these or any other activities DD may want to do on her own. It did not really cross my mind that's an option for a playdate as I thought kids were supposed to play together, not separately??? I realise how silly I sound but it's never been an issue with any other kids (maybe l've just been lucky).

Unfortunately you can't force children to get along. So if she's playing happily with other kids but not this one then they just aren't clicking. So you can put on a movie or have an activity or socialise with the other mum without the kids there... or just let the kids parallel play and ignore each other.

I had a few situations like this - really wanted my kids to get along with my friend's kids and it just didn't happen. Luckily play dates get to be dropoff really soon and then you don't have to socialise with the other parents. Much easier just to have your own friendships!

This isn't really a playdate. A playdate is when you invite one of your children's friends over, usually at the request of your child.

You are meeting up with your friend and expecting the two children to play together and get on. Unfortunately they have not hit it off. Stop flogging a dead horse and meet up with your friend when you haven't got the kids.

Let them play separately. Something like soft play is good as it's engaging for them individually.

You and your friend seem to have unrealistic expectations of both your children though. That they'll run off and play nicely together for over an hour, at four!

At that age I was still at the 'interact with my child until they were engaged in something else, then grab that moment of freedom' stage. Not 'mummy wants to ignore you now, off you go'. Getting an uninterrupted 20 minutes seemed pretty good going.

You're most likely to achieve success for all parties somewhere where there's lots for the children to do - home with lots of toys. Soft play etc.

2 different issues here:
1- by 6 children play together much more than at 4 generally.
2- you can’t force children to be friends. Once they are at school, it’s far better to give them space to make their own friends, ask them who they play with and who they would like over for a play date, then it’s effortless.
I learnt with my eldest that who I chat to on the school run doesn’t always match up with who he genuinely likes to play with, so I have ensured for play dates and birthday parties that it is his guest list, not mine.