Can anyone diagnose my mum?

[SENMum12345]

I’ve put this in parenting because I have no clue what subject this fits in lol!

I’m genuinely curious if anyone can diagnose my mum or relate.
Basically, she never believes me with anything I say and actually sulks if I don’t do as she says.

For context, I’m 35 and she’s 57 lol!

Example, I got an amazing deal at a wedding venue for 11k, I told her, she doesn’t believe me. Says it’s too cheap and I got it wrong. She argues with me for hours on this and when I offer to show her the paperwork to prove it, she refuses to look at it.

Another, I have damp issues in my house and checked the bricks to see that they need repointing. I also got 2 other builders go check and they agree.
She is adamant I’m wrong. I show her the bricks and the emails from the builders and she insists I’m wrong then refuses to talk about it anymore.

Another, we need to rip out our kitchen to redo it but I’ve said that the money I have for it is going towards the wedding and the kitchen can wait.
She wanted us to do the kitchen first so is now refusing to talk about the house with me anymore.

Am I going mad? She’s been like this my whole life but you’d think not believing me when I was a kid is understandable because kids can exaggerate but I’m an adult now and I don’t get why she’s still like it?

Does she
A think you exaggerate or do you have firm for it
B think you are wasting money ?

my mum is like that, not quite in the same way but it’s exhausting!! So no advice just support!

I don't know I'm afraid. But it would be very interesting to see what she said if you asked her why...

Although the conversation would probably go...
"Mum, why do you keep insisting I'm wrong"
"You're wrong, I never do that".

Don’t tell here stuff. It’s hard to start off with but it’s get easier over time.
If she asks you questions answer vaguely or say 'oh yes Mum I expect you are right‘
Has she always been like this ?

It takes two to continue an arguement. What happens if you stop arguing back?

Yes just agree with her next time.

"It was never £11k you've got that wrong"
"Oh, ok. What are you up to next week?"

She then complains that I never tell her anything
If I tell her it’s because she always turns it into an argument, she says she doesn’t and I’m just being dramatic

no winning lol

You are exactly right lol

She’s been like it my whole life

i remember when i was a kid and had a stomach bug
she didn’t believe me and sent me to school then was mad at me when the school asked her to pick me up because I’d been sick

Personality? Some people just don't listen

You could describe her as highly cynical.

She thinks she knows better because in her eyes, you are still a child unable to make decisions! That's my opinion.

I can't diagnose your mum. But I can diagnose you with being too involved with her and caring too much about her opinions. My mum is lovely but doesn't know anything about my brickwork or what individual elements of my wedding cost.

If your mum is too difficult, put some distance between you and refuse to be pressured by her. Difficult people deserve less space in your life, even if they are your parent.

My in laws are like this, no matter what my DP says they will argue with him that he's wrong & he argues back, it's so uncomfortable and weird to me. They are generally pretty horrible though, as soon as he walks in they will say he needs to loose weight/shave his beard or some other criticism

My mother was a little bit like this. Eventually, I did what a PP suggested. She’d disagree and I’d say “oh okay” or “that’s interesting” and then it would be over.

Or you could repeat back. She’ll say “I think you need to do the kitchen before the wedding” and you say “You think we should do the kitchen before the wedding” and leave it at that. Do what you want, but she’s being heard and then she’ll stop doubling down (maybe)?!

She sounds a bit like she's emotionally immature? I've been reading a book to understand my mum lately and it's helping me try to understand her. The book is by Lindsay C Gibson.

Good chance that she’s like this with everyone and the best thing you can do for yourself is find some way to manage it/ rise above it.

You don’t need a diagnosis- they are actually strict conditions for medical psychiatric conditions- I assume you’re thinking about narcissism

My mum has very little interests in her life - her main hobby is bitching about other people’s lives.

Ignore, deflect. You won’t change her. If you can find a way to involve her it might brighten her life a little.
Any interests you can suggest? She is only 57 - she needs to not age before her time. Does she have a partner still?

Sounds like she always wants to co trip the narrative and be 'right' all the time. Does she have low self esteem?
Perhaps she's struggling with you having your own mind and not having to do as she says all the time.

If talking honestly to her doesn't work ('do you realise you tell me every thing I say is wrong? Why do you think you do this?' Have some examples ready to remind her of and when she inevitably argues remain firm and calm and ask if she if denying it now) I think I'd be tempted to get a bit passive agressive and just smirk and say 'yes ok mum, of course I've got it all wrong, again' every time. She's soon stop.

Control not co trip! Ffs

I second this. It sounds like she definitely doesn't have mature self-awareness and self-reflection.

It sounds annoying as hell, I'd go pretty low contact, focus any meetings on activities rather than chat, be quite vague and only discuss boring things! Sadly you'll have get your validation from others as she'll never provide it.

It might be worth taking through with a therapist if you're finding it painful, as growing up around that behaviour sounds really hard! Parents are meant to attune to your feelings when you're a child, I doubt she was able to provide that.

Denying the reality in front of your eyes to the point of making you doubt yourself and your ability to sense reality: that's gaslighting. Why do people gaslight other people? Lots of different motives (generally none of them good or noble ones).
Why does a mother gaslight her own daughter? Well, that requires a longer investigation a.k.a. therapy.
Stop sharing information with her, that would be the first step. She is the problem, not you.

Your mum has control issues. She won't let you have an opinion or views of your own that haven't been passed by her first. My son in law's dad is exactly like this and is very difficult. Your mum doesn't see you as an adult able to make your own decisions. You absolutely have to pull back, be vague and only give general information. If you have children, this behaviour will get much much worse!

I keep the majority of my life secret from my mum. It's easier!
My mum has memory and processing issues as a consequence of a stroke, so I don't discuss things that are going to cause a battle.
Most of the time I don't tell her if I'm ill. One time I had a really bad case of tonsillitis and my partner was away for a few days so she drove 100 miles and back to see me and look after me for a day. Her driving on her own such a difference is unusual. A few years later she got in a huff with me when I mentioned having tonsillitis and she said I never told her and why don't I tell her things. I reminded her about her driving to look after me and her standing doing my ironing whilst we watched a particularly TV show and she went quiet. So now I don't tell her I'm ill unless she can physically see I'm ill.

You only need to share what is beneficial too you!

@SENMum12345 Apologies, I have not read full thread (only OP posts), but I noticed your username, and thought I’d post. I am assuming you have SEN / ND child/ren; there are often a lot of these things that run in families, so it may well be that your Mum is ND (or similar), and is maybe getting worse / more inflexible and difficult to communicate with as she is in her 50s.. a lot of things change around menopause, changing hormones / sleep etc which can seem to amplify issues. If you step back from it all, start from the point that she likely is ND, does that change how you would respond to her behaviour / communication? At the very least it may mean that you don’t need to take what she says personally, or as a personal slight.

I’m not a medical professional, just someone with ND family… good luck!