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Original poster

Effect of divorce

3 replies

Twittwoofiftytwo · 13/01/2025 21:09

Please help. I’m at the end of my tether.
background:
4 year old and one year old. One year old has West syndrome, and has seizures nightly that often mean her heart stops and cpr has to be given. She likely won’t live past 5. Dad left when I was 6 months pregnant (16 months ago) with the second because he wasn’t happy. I live in our jointly owned home with the girls. Dad moved in with his mum 40 minutes away. Dad comes 4 days a week to take girls to childcare/ school and put to bed and spends weekends here. Girls don’t want to stay with him at his mums and youngest can’t really anyway due to her health and needing to be v close to a hospital and dad isn’t confident in cpr and her medications. There also isn’t really space for them. So we’re spending a lot of time together still - potentially the problem?
question;
Our 4 year old is still, 16 months later, furious that dad doesn’t live with us. She hits him, bites him, screams at him, says he’s not part of her family and he must hate her. Nothing I say seems to help. She has done play therapy and art therapy at considerable cost with no obvious difference in behaviour. Any suggestions on how to help her? How to help her understand that dad doesn’t hate her? Any suggestions on how we split child time when one’s needs are so complex and the other doesn’t want to be with dad without me? Happy to change anything at this point to try and help her.
thank you!!

OP posts:
Babadook76 · 13/01/2025 21:21

Dads an utter shit at leaving you all in this situation, it’s not surprising your 4yo is acting out having to deal with a new sibling who is seriously ill, and then her dad not loving her enough to stay. Im not normally one for advising ‘staying together for the kids’, but what an absolute coward of a man he is for doing anything other than plastering a smile on his face and doing what he should be doing for his family. I’d say this problem is very much his to solve, though I get you don’t want to see your daughter distressed. I do think it’s set a bad precedent with him spending all his time with them in the family home when you are there, and it’s going to be hard to undo. But if suggest to him pulling his finger out (he’s had long enough) and find suitable accommodation very nearby and having proper contact with the children, not in the old family house which is probably confusing her. And he needs to learn how to take properly care of the 1yo, any excuse for him not to is just another cop out

Abcdefg1234567abcdefg · 13/01/2025 21:27

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You sound like a fantastic, caring mum.
Is it possible that your ex could buy his own place closer to you all?
Does he talk to the children about the seperation too? Does he tell them how much he loves them or does that just come from you?
Would family therapy help from people who specialise is this area?
I'm not sure how to help your 4 year old, other than what you've done already, but I hope you can get some suggestions from others who have been in your situation. I'm sure someone must have a helpful idea.
Take care x

Nameftgigb · 13/01/2025 21:30

Babadook76 · 13/01/2025 21:21

Dads an utter shit at leaving you all in this situation, it’s not surprising your 4yo is acting out having to deal with a new sibling who is seriously ill, and then her dad not loving her enough to stay. Im not normally one for advising ‘staying together for the kids’, but what an absolute coward of a man he is for doing anything other than plastering a smile on his face and doing what he should be doing for his family. I’d say this problem is very much his to solve, though I get you don’t want to see your daughter distressed. I do think it’s set a bad precedent with him spending all his time with them in the family home when you are there, and it’s going to be hard to undo. But if suggest to him pulling his finger out (he’s had long enough) and find suitable accommodation very nearby and having proper contact with the children, not in the old family house which is probably confusing her. And he needs to learn how to take properly care of the 1yo, any excuse for him not to is just another cop out

This. Actions speak louder than words, I’m sure you went through hell when he left which your child has had to witness. He’s not really acted like someone who puts his kids first. And then he’s moved away to a place she can’t stay. Lovely. I don’t think he should be in your house at all when the 4yo is there. I get that will be awkward with your other child. He really does need to get his arse in gear and learn how to take care of her. I’d suggest him maybe having your 4yo just for day trips for now, she can learn to just see him away from the house so she can dissociate him from being your husband, and maybe rebuild their relationship doing fun activities. Assuming your 4yo is in school, could he come over when she isn’t there to learn how to take care of the 1yo properly?

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