Driving me mad, DSD aged 6 has stopped sleeping through the night

[beansontoast22]

For the last 4 months DSD has been sleeping poorly: waking up at least 5 or 6 times a night but as many as 12 times.

DH has two DSs with his ex-wife. DSD was a 'surprise' with his exgirlfriend a few months after they broke up after disagreeing about having more kids (she wanted one, he didn't want any more, he ended up breaking up because she'd let it go and agree and bring it up again a month later... one of her friends even said 'he'll be happy once your pregnant so don't worry about it'... 🙄). I've been with DH since before DSD was born. DSD's mum has always been awful to the ex-wife but mostly just pretends I don't exist. She doesn't like talking parenting with DH because she has majority custody she wants to make the decisions (and doesn't want DH's opinion... I get it but sometimes it is a mess).

Right, DSD is only here in the weekends. DH has 50-50 custody with his ex-wife so DSS are here every other week.

With DSD not sleeping through the night it's impacting everyone in the household. She gets out of bed, screams, wakes everyone up, gets attention, goes back to bed for (maybe) an hour and the whole thing starts again. Everyone is knackered and somehow DSD is fine the next day (all smiles and joy while everyone is miserable... when it's discussed she'll be upset or she'll blame someone else: neighbours, a 'witch'... whatever).

After DSD's mum acting like this was only an issue here she just let it slip it's been happening in her house and DSD said 'mummy let's me sleep in bed with her'... it starts to explain why she has been trying to sleep in my bed (with me and DH) or getting DH to sleep next to her (which he's done multiple times on her bedroom floor).

We now have a button that DSD can press to get DH to come in the night without DSD screaming and waking everyone else up... we've had the button for 2 nights: first night she summonded DH 10 times, last night it was only 4 (big progress!) but there was still some screaming and tantrums before...

...I dont know what to do though. She'll go back to her mum again and I'm dreading next weekend again already. DH wants to talk to the GP about it but DSD's mum says he's being controlling and it's non of his business.

Will this get better? Are we doing the right things? I'm starting to resent DSD because of this and I just have to take myself away so I don't snap. DH doesn't seem to get how much it stresses me out but I now dream about DSD screaming and crying even when she's not in the house. I just can't relax.

TIA for advice!

I don’t think a 6 year old going through spells of lots of waking is at all unusual. I think it wouldn’t be so dramatic in a more typical family set up. But here’s a lot of back and forth here (does she ever get weekends with her mum?). And frankly, he’s got a lot of kids to pull him in all directions.

If this was my child, I’d be making her feel safe and secure, not like she summoning the butler for a midnight feast! Plus that’s impacting your sleep and it shouldn’t be. If this was my child, given how little time they get together, what it probably needs is a double bed or another single mattress on the floor and he sleeps in there with her from whenever she wakes up. It makes nights feel safe and secure as she knows he’s not waiting to sneak out the second she’s asleep. It won’t be forever, but it will get her through this phase. And they both benefit from extra time together.

I'm starting to resent DSD because of this and I just have to take myself away so I don't snap. This isn't ok, she's clearly very unsettled.

Focus on making her feel safer.

I think she sounds desperately unhappy from unstable family dynamics. She needs more love and security

Surely it's dh that needs to deal with it not op? He can sleep on her floor if need be.. Your sleep needs to be your priority..

What a mess. No wonder the poor child feels unsettled - do you have kids?

All 3 of mine have gone through stages of this at some point.

DS3 didn't stop sleeping through the night at 6, he hadn’t started yet. I don’t think he reliably slept through until he was 7.

she’s got a very unsettled and complicated home life. I don’t think it’s unusual.

Why don't you arrange to spend the next few weekends visiting friends and/or having a break at a premier inn or something and give yourself a break whilst your DH deals with his many offspring?

He needs to up his game and resolve this parenting problem, there's no need for you to suffer as well. Go out and have some fun instead.

Oh and if your DH didn't want to have a third child, he could have prevented it quite simply, his ex gf didn't get pregnant by herself, so stop acting like he's the victim in all this 🙄

This is pretty usual in a 6 year old. You're wrong to try and blame her mum for letting her sleep in her bed.

Your dp needs to be doing much, much more to help this little girl feel wanted and safe. His sexual incontinence and lack of responsibility have led to this mess of a situation, and he needs to do everything he can to minimise the consequences for his children. Installing a button is appalling. If I were you I would split up with him, he needs to be focusing on being a decent father and she doesn't need to be around an adult who resents her. His crappy parenting would make my knees snap shut anyway tbh, so I'd be out of there.

Also, mine were still definitely sleeping in bed with DH and I at times at 6. That is also completely normal.

10 wakes down to 4 is actually a pretty good improvement after just one night of having the button.

It seems likely that she's used to sleeping with her mum and so gets scared being on her own in bed at your house. Hopefully once she understands that she can call her dad and feel confident that he will come to her it will get better.

Ah poor little thing, she's clearly going through a phase of feeling unsettled.
I'd just get DH to sleep in her room when she's with you, it's not very often.
The way to help her stop doing it is to make her feel loved and secure