Is this emotional blackmail from a toddler or am I in fact being mean?

[OlderNotWiser]

My DS is 2 and a half and Im struggling a bit with some aspects of dealing with him. Recently when him and I get into a confrontation of some kind eg. he wont have his nappy changed or some such daft thing, I will walk away and refuse to chase him which at the time in my mind is meant to be a cross between giving me space to cool off if I've got my knickers twisted, and an attempt to bring an unsuccessful interaction to an end. Lately tho DS then follows me crying/screaming 'give me a cuddle'. If I do he calms, I might then ask him again to do whatever it was needed doing, and he'll just calmly refuse/push me away, say no. If I say 'no cuddle, I need you to do x first' he gets hysterical about needing a cuddle. From an objective point of view (ie not mine!) what is going on here? Is he playing me or is walking off when Im cross a bit mean...?

He is playing you!!!!

He knows that by crying and asking for a cuddle, you will give in to him. He gets hysterical because he does not understand why sometimes you say yes to a cuddle and sometimes you say no.

Be strong, stick to your guns. He will soon understand the boundaries you set. Walk away when you are cross or he is not behaving... all he wants is your attention and if you don't give him that until he does what you want, you have the upper hand.

He will not love you less for it, honest

I will give you a cuddle when you have done...

whatever you wanted to do.

he is very clever, he has already worked out how to push your buttons! Stick to your guns and get ready for all the others ways he will try to control his environment (ie you!) in the near future!

ha ha ha ha ha!

not only is he playing you, but he is causing you doubt your parental wisdom.

Beware the stamina and low cunning of the toddler...

You need to show him who's boss. He feels insecure because you give up too easily. You are sending him mixed messages.

Hmmmm. Yes, you are all right methinks. Little bugger! Reading my original post I sound a right wimp!!!Time to be more assertive I think. (Hope its not me who ends up in tears...)

Can see what your saying Shitemum...but I do worry that Im being too rejecting when I walk off because I do have to walk off a lot. We are not in a good phase at the mo (new baby etc)and have many of these spats.

I rather suspect that he sees you walking away as a withdrawal of affection for him and that he finds that quite scary - he then seeks to engage you into cuddling him as 'proof' that you love him.

I would try and preempt the original poor interaction by giving him a sticker if he lets you change him without a fuss - or whatever the behaviour is that you want to change.

Sometimes parental responses to tricky situations seem to wind things up rather than down - and that really is a lose-lose scenario

I don't think you should walk off without saying something like 'ok, I'm going to change your nappy in 2 minutes' so he knows you haven't given up but are still in control.
Or just force him to do whatever it is while whistling a merry tune...

Sorry, it will be hard work to begin with... ds has the measure of you and you will have a couple of days of "devil personified" before he truly gets the message.

But, panic-ye-not, if you stick to your guns he will get the message and your life will be sooooo much easier.

The trick is to set the boundaries clearly, if you threaten a punishment, be prepared to see it through.

ONW, i think it is one of those unwritten rules that you will end up in tears at least once as you battle between your better judgement and your desire never to hear you child cry. IMO it is another right of passage your mother never told you about (probably because she blanked it out like the rest of us )

Relax and follow your instincts, it sounds like you have the right idea and just need to reassure yourself that you are perfectly capable!

what really happens is when babies are babies they think everything happens because of them, if they cry, you come, if they are hungry they feed etc. this is indeed true and this is how they survive.. As they become more independant and aware they begin to realise that it isn't because of them and they can't control everything, ..So they have to test this theory hence the terrible twos. They need to know that whilst it doesn't revolve around them entirely, they need to know that you will still respond and you still will love and care for them. (i studied child development quite extensively for my MA)