Just had second baby - tell me it gets better

[Peonyyyy]

Just had our very much wanted second baby 2 weeks ago, and today feeling really sad and overwhelmed like we’ve ruined our lives. Our first child is 3 and we felt like we had it all under control and now everything is all over the place.

our new baby is gorgeous and no trouble, just a little fussy in the evenings. Our first child has been great with the new baby, but a few behaviour things came up today which I know is just the adjustment but I found myself getting really upset that I’ve ruined everything.

please tell me it gets better? Both myself and my husband are sleep deprived and know it’s all so new, but we’re both feeling quite depressed about the relentlessness of it and I guess the lack of routine/feeling in control with a newborn. Sometimes we feel fine and sometimes have happy moments, but also we get so down particularly when things don’t go to plan and we feel like we weren’t good enough.

i want to give both my children the time and happiness they deserve but just feel like I’m failing right now and not enjoying it at all ☹️ I want to get to the stage where having two feels normal and doable (although I know there will always be hard phases)

In my experience it does get better but it's hard for a couple of years. You have to accept that sometimes 1 is going to be upset while you're busy with the other 1. Where possible, we didn't have 1 parent manage 2 at once because it was stressful so the person running any weekend errands took 1 child with them, for example.

Mine are now 4y and 2.5y (19m apart). I actually didn't mind having two until about 6m when the younger one became mobile. From 5m I got glimpses of them loving each other and that's really sweet. I broke it down to milestones thinking it'll get better at 12m or 18m or 2y. For me it was actually significantly better from 2y the younger starts to listen when you tell them to stop or wait and so you're not trying to do 2 things at once but physically unable to. We now have 2 little people who can get ready and return plates etc (though the 2yo needs help). They still fight a lot -- but also play a lot.

So I'd say it doesn't get better for a while (sorry!) but you learn to cope and ignore and drop your standards and appreciate the nice, calm moments to get through it.

It absolutely does and will get better.

I was convinced that I'd ruined DC1s life. Turns out DC2 was the best thing to ever happen to DC1 when they became mobile and animated.

Still both fairly young. And best friends.

@lompi thats so lovely! Thank you. Personally I don’t really like the newborn bit, I found it emotionally hard the first time, yeah the baby is easy during the day but has to be held all the time and it’s a constant merry go round of bottles and nappy changes, and we are obviously very sleep deprived as only getting the odd few hours between feeds. And of course you don’t get much back at this age.

we preferred things with our first once he got to around 3-4 months, had a bedtime, was sleeping much better at night and had more of a routine of playing and naps through the day. I know in theory that’s harder with two but we just found it more joyful from this point and really enjoyed having our evenings back and more sleep. And I guess hopefully during the day they will enjoy interacting a bit and at DC2 nap time I can give 💯 attention to my first.

@RickiRaccoon i think that’s it, hopefully I’ll learn to cope as time goes on so that the hard bits don’t get to me so much. My 3yo drives me mad sometimes but it doesn’t upset me because I’m more used to it. At the moment it’s all so new and overwhelming that every little thing makes me feel upset and tearful, and like I can’t cope and want things back how they were. I think just having evenings back eventually (hopefully) will really help as I’ll at least be able to unwind once they’re in bed.

I feel awful saying this as we really did want 2 children and we’re so grateful DC2 is here and healthy. Sometimes I just feel like I’m not cut out for it.