Im a single mum to a four year old and I also have ADHD (and most likely autism but awaiting diagnosis) and I’m struggling so badly with the guilt of getting overwhelmed and today has been a bad day.
When I was a child my dad (who is also likely autistic) would lose it with me often, scream and shout and occasionally would result in physical incidents when I was a teen and I was pressing buttons.
My biggest fear as a mum is that I will emotionally hurt my child like my dad did to me. Don’t get me wrong, I would obviously never ever do anything physical to my son and I never react explosively like my dad did but I am guilty of becoming so overwhelmed that I am snappy and raise my voice.
I’ve had a particularly stressful week, work has been extremely busy, I manage all of the school drop off and pick up, homework, out of school tasks alongside working 45-50 hours a week. I try making sure my son is entertained once school is over but I’m still at work for a few hours once we’re home, and I’ve also been poorly.
I had two hours sleep last night so woke up feeling not great already, and we had a birthday party to go to this morning. Parties themselves I find extremely stressful and overwhelming but I go for my son. We were running late this morning due to me not feeling great, the house was a total mess which only made the overwhelm even worse, and I had asked my son multiple times to help put his shoes on and tidy his toys away so that we could leave quicker but he’s young so he doesn’t always listen. I was anxious about being late as I find it hard to speak to the other parents so didn’t want to end up arriving and having to stand alone and be really uncomfortable.
I ended up snapping at him that if we don’t leave soon we won’t be able to go to the party anymore and I could feel myself becoming more and more stressed, hot, anxious, saying things I didn’t want to say and telling him he never listens to me and he needs to get sorted because I don’t want to go to the party anymore.
He was visibly upset by my stress and was on the verge of tears and I just feel so incredibly guilty. It was supposed to be a nice morning and an exciting day and I let my overwhelm ruin it.
I obviously apologised to him and told him that it isn’t his fault and said sorry for reacting the way that I did and explained I wasn’t feeling great and should never have taken that out on him. He told me he loved me and we gave each other a big hug.
I have sat and stewed on it all day. His little face looking upset while I rush around completely overwhelmed and stressing.
How can I make things easier? I feel like I’m failing him because I can’t manage everything at once.
I look at other mums and I feel so bad for my son having me as a parent. He is the best boy in the world, he doesn’t deserve to be snapped at and he doesn’t deserve to be upset by me.
He was absolutely fine after we hugged and he told me it’s okay mummy which breaks my heart for him even more. We were only a few minutes late in the end and I just feel so awful.