Absent dads & son is asking

[mumsymum2020]

My son is 12 & somebody asked who his real dad was he’d never asked before until this. He said who is my real dad.
his dad left when he was a baby & has never made any effort to see him, never sent a card or anything. I don’t know where he is, I’ve gone through courts to change his name and even the courts can’t find him.

i don’t know what to tell my son without him feeling unwanted or unloved.

he caught me off guard and I just said families come in all shapes and sizes some have a mum and dad some had just a mum or just a dad or 2 mums 2 dads. He never really asked anymore but he probably will and I want to be prepared.

thankyou

I’m surprised he got to 12 and never asked about his father and you never mentioned him? This is something you should have discuss with him when he was younger. What did they mean about his “real dad” does he have a step dad?

You need to be open and honest with him.

I imagine it’s been niggling at the back of his head for years! And I doubt this is the first time someone’s asked him about it.

How do you say to your child thiough he just wasn’t bothered about staying in touch without upsetting him. Yes he has a father figure in his life so it’s not been an issue before, I just don’t want him to be upset about someone who yes helped to conceive him but isn’t his dad because hasn’t wasn’t to help bring him up.

he always calls his step dad his dad to his friends it was an adult who asked me infront of him.

The adult needs speaking to. Shocking behaviour. Have you and his stepdad/DH discussed how to play this?

Whoever asked that I front of your child is an absolute moron, what a thing to say!

from my own experience (dd’s dad was “around” but rarely and utterly useless, she’s now gone NC) I explain to her “unfortunately sometimes people are just crap to others and it’s nothing to do with the other person. Me and other family are so lucky to have you and we all think you’re amazing so it’s your dad who’s missing out”.

really try to emphasise that unfortunately humans can be shitty for various reasons and their behaviour is neither our fault nor responsibility. It’s a brutal fact of life. I also don’t ever want my DD to feel like a victim so I acknowledge her feelings and listen to her whilst reminding her that very sadly some kids have neither parents so at least she has the rest of the family that adore her

all in all, try to explain shitty humans whilst building his self esteem and reassuring him it’s nothing to do with him.

You sound like a great mum btw so hats off to you

This is not the type of information to be cagey about. He has a right to know as much as you know about his dad. I’m sure you know his name, age, where he used to live, what line of work he was in etc. Share what you know with your son. He’s built up courage to ask you about what he knows is a sore subject for you and you have just shut him down. It’s a very cold and dismissive approach that will make him feel like even more of an outlier. Just be normal and matter of fact around the subject and support him when needed.

How do you say to your child thiough he just wasn’t bothered about staying in touch without upsetting him.

Feed it into the narrative when young and keep it positive.Being without their biological father is their normal; it's not a "bad" thing to them unless they are made to feel it's a problem.

Don't make it personal ( ie use the guys name rather than "dad") just stick to the facts. It's very late in the day but now but you could say something like " Chris wasn't ever sure he wanted to be with me. When you came along he saw I loved you so he decided to leave us to it". Tell your child the good bits of their dad that are relevant such as "you got his humour". When they ask where he is be honest and say. "No idea darling, he never wanted me to know". You are framing this as one of those things that happen. It's not some tragic life event for your child even if their father is a disgusting twat.

Our oldest 14 has always known his biological dad left when he was 4 months. He has now an then randomly asked things and I've answered truthfully and as best as I can that I haven't got a clue where he is and that his dad has never wanted contact. The only thing my son doesn't know until older is his dad left because he was arrested for trying to kill me and harming our baby, and after a prison term courts ordered me and baby to keep away etc etc, he could send cards if he had wanted but chose not to. Yes there's a big bad back story but 14 year old doesn't need to be know that. He asked to see a picture last year and hubby and I found a Facebook one and showed him and he was oh he looks rough and that's all he said. Still continues to call hubby his dad as known him from age 1 and ye, just be truthful in a nice and kind manner

This is the thing there is nothing nice to say about him, he never wanted to work or help, I had to work until the day I had him even though I was ill all the way through & go back to work straight after I’d had him part time just to survive.

I obviously feel awful saying bad things.

I feel like yes it takes 2 people to conceive but that doesn’t automatically make them your mum or dad, yes biologically but your mum and dad are the ones who are there for you care for you bring you up, love and stand by you no matter what, if the person decides to walk away that’s fine but I don’t want my son to waste emotions on a man that really isn’t his dad. Because they have no bond or connection & he doesn’t know my son so how could it be because of him but my son won’t see it like that.

There's some good answers here on how to be kind and factual. Your son will have feelings, and emotions are not a bad thing. Try not to see it as wasting emotions on his biological father, he won't be harmed by having those emotions and talking about it. He might be harmed if it's hidden or you have a strong reaction. The bloke was a waste of space but all your son needs to know is the relationship didn't work and he wasn't ready to be a dad. But he has a loving family who are so lucky to have him, including his real Dad ( the one who loves him and is bringing him up!) Actually maybe thats a good way to start the conversation, by saying the adult who asked about his "real dad" should have said biological father as thats what he is. A real Dad is the one that is there. I hope he can be part of reassuring your son too.

“I met (insert name) and after a while (or however your story goes) I fell pregnant. Then we split up and he moved on. I’m not sure where he is now. Then Dad came along and we’ve been a family ever since. If there’s anything you want to know about (insert name) just ask and I’ll do my best to answer”

You don’t have to go into the details of what went on.