Worried about coping with 1-2 transition

[koalabearboombox]

I am expecting baby #2 in March and have a DS who is nearly 4. He's currently waking at 5am every day and unbelievably awful / destructive throughout the day. Our house is a bomb site by the end of the day. Added to that he's obsessed with me and will not leave me alone, and rejects DH for everything. Nothing works, he tells him to go away if he so much as sits next to him on the sofa. Sad for DH but I am exhausted. I do every early wake and bedtime. When he's not waking early he's much easier but still relies on me to do everything.

I'm wondering how on earth I will cope with this adding a newborn into the mix, along with post partum recovery. It took me about 4 weeks last time to feel anywhere near recovered, and that was sitting in bed / on the sofa every single day. DH is really supportive but faces mega meltdowns if he tries to do anything for DS that no amount of persuasion can change.

Can someone reassure me that something will click into place in the next couple of months and DS will accept DH doing things for him, and I'll actually be able to breastfeed a baby and maybe even rest in some way, shape or form after giving birth?!

You and DH need to get your DS used to his Dad doing stuff for him. It'll be much easier to tough it out now than with a newborn.

Unfortunately, the only way to get your son used to your husband doing things for him, is by giving him no option. If necessary go out, even if it means going for a walk, visit a friend/family member etc. If you are at home, then you need to refuse to do bedtime - 'No, Mummy is resting, Daddy is doing your bath tonight, Mummy will do your bath tomorrow night'. Yes, it's going to be tough, and there will be nightly meltdowns etc, but if you keep allowing the situation to continue, by the time the new baby is born, it will be much worse. There's no reason why your husband can't do bedtime, other than the fact your son doesn't want that. Unfortunately, he's going to need to learn, he can't always have what he wants. Yes, some of it, could be he's anxious there's another baby on the way, and he will need lots of reassurance that he's still loved and will be included etc.

As above - ds doesn't have a choice in the matter. It might help if you go away from the house for increasing amounts of time, ideally culminating in a night away, because this will be really difficult for you with two if it's not addressed. I really empathise though, DS nearly 5 has shown a similar preference for me for 4 years and counting now

DS needs to stop getting all his own way, best to do this now before the baby comes. He has 2 parents and he doesn’t get to pick between them all the time. The meltdowns are dads to deal with as well as yours

Yes you're all right, need to just enforce a bit more shared parenting. I think the only solution is leaving the house so I'm not accessible!

Is the 4 year old in pre school or anything?

I would have died a thousand deaths if I had tried to have my very highly stung, high energy, mummy demanding, early waking eldest child at home with me constantly while also trying to care for a newborn. 6 hours a day, 4 times a week was an absolute life line.

And agree with other posters. Time to be cruel to be kind. Daddy does bedtime or morning, none negotiable. Make it bedtime then it’s easier for you to be out. Good luck!

It is substantially easier with the second baby because you already know how newborns work. If you adjust your son’s expectations now you’ll be fine.

Absolutely go out more. Start with an hour or two and make sure you get a day without DS and then a weekend away leaving them together. I’m a mum of 4 yo and 1 yo (and pregnant) I fully had to let go of DC1 for the end of pregnancy and newborn stage and have husband take over ( c section)

Yep! He will learn you will always come home.

@VivaVivaa oh yes he's at preschool 4 days a week, 8-5pm. Would not survive having him and a newborn all day everyday!

@Narkacist that's reassuring. I'm mainly worried about my own recovery tbh, it was hell last time and we were in lockdown so didn't move off the bed or sofa. But obviously I may have an easier birth experience this time around.

You might find he surprises you when the baby arrives. My ds1 hated me paying attention to any other child, or holding hands with dp. He wanted me to do every bedtime and I could hear him screaming mummy downstairs whenever his dad tried. But when the baby came along, he was very sweet. He put up with the crying and drain on my attention really well and would always get down to baby level to play. I was really shocked! They fight like crazy now of course, but are alwthere to comfort as soon as the other gets upset.

DD is 2 and our second is due next month so I can totally relate. We’re fully entrenched in the “no daddy” “go away daddy” phase but DH is just grinning and bearing it bless him!

We’ve spent the best part of the last few months with him handling the bulk of mornings, bedtimes and overnight wake ups in prep for #2’s arrival. I generally hide in the spare room, though sometimes have to do an elaborate leaving the house act first so she’s convinced I’m gone. During the day he tends to just say “mummy’s resting”. We’re now at the point where she’ll generally wave me off at bedtime with a cuddle and a kiss, but it took a lot of tantrums to get here.

If he’s at pre school everyday what’s the main issue? Why is your house etc a mess if he’s away for most of the day?

I take it you are working at the moment but soon you will be on maternity. I felt like you when I was pregnant with my second but it is easier when you aren't pregnant and you aren't working. I cut down on dd1 going to nursery when I had my second as things were easier when you don't t have to get out at a certain time.

We did this! My DD1 was so, so clingy to me and wouldn’t let DH do anything (not for his lack of trying!). When I found out I was pregnant with DD2, we made it our mission to make sure she would allow either of us to see to her/put her to bed/comfort her/etc.

We took turns of doing bed time and on the days when it was DH’s turn, I would tell DD1 I was going to work, then wander around Sainsburys, meet a friend, go to my mum’s, or even just sit in the car until she was asleep. There were times when I wouldn’t get back in the house until gone 9pm! But now, it is so worth it, she’s brilliant with DH, life is so much easier.

DD2 is 3 months old and we look back on when I was pregnant and can’t believe how far DD1 has come, you can totally do this!

Just had this in August. DD turned 4 four days after DS was born.

Firstly I asked preschool to mention to her brother was coming. They talked about it and drew pictures. I spoke with her about what being a big sister means and how she has to look after him etc. We spoke at length about how babies need certain things like feeding etc and how she will need to sometimes wait for me.

I then went on abe books and bought around 4 different books about becoming a sister, ew baby etc and we read those every night.

DS became her baby. Everything was 'when my baby comes' etc

Now on to reality. Once DS arrived she couldn't care less about him 😂 he didn't do much. Just slept really. Because it was my second I knew what not to do (basically I was fine with him fussing a bit when laying down etc so I wouldn't pick him up unless he was actually crying and he fell in to a nice routine and is an angel baby for the most part. Of course he has his moments)

Now he is more alert and interacts back she is smitten and plays with him or comforts when he's crying etc.

Some other things I did to prevent 'dethroning'

• involved her in nappy changes, bottles, play time

• "told him off" to make it seem that it's not just her that's getting told what to do or to wait. For example if he starts crying to be picked up when I'm doing her hair I'll say something like 'DS you'll have to wait, it's DDs turn and I'm doing her hair'

Eventually she became a lot more self sufficient. Happy to just go off and play with her dolls or draw. That of course came with her age naturally, but there isn't a lot of jealousy

I have a three and a half year old and I'm due in April. He is thankfully going through a Daddy phase after hating DH for almost 3 years! What helped I think was that I felt ghastly for months and DH did more. Definitely try and manufacture opportunities even if you have to physically leave the house.

Anyway I've not actually done it yet so don't have lots of wisdom but sometimes I think it's not worth worrying too much about these things. Most people cope with the transition and you don't know what the exact challenges will be but you will get through them.