How to deal with ex and DD's contact issues?

[flummingbird]

This is a really long story, but the upshot is that DD(8) is unhappy going to dads. About a year ago she started being withdrawn when there, not speaking, not wanting to take part in "family life", just taking to her room.

Her dad complained to me and put it on me to "fix it" I got an appt with child therapist who couldn't figure it out, DD is happy, bouncy, chatty when with anyone else, just not at dad's. They and others (doctor, charity,) said it has to come from him, they need to spend fun time together and rebuild the relationship but he disagrees and just keeps talking at her about it

Contact has dropped off slowly, with them dropping a night here and a night there and is now at 1 night per fortnight rather than the original 5 per fortnight.

DD had conversation with her dad approx 10 days ago and admitted she didn't want to come any more. They (he and wife) said she could take a break for a few weeks and she was brought back to me, I was informed of the plan and that was that.

I've texted this week to check he's definitely not planning on seeing her at all this weekend (I WANT her to go but only if she's happy) and he's replied today by email telling me he'll be having her 50/50 from now on as that's what he thinks best. No care about her DD feelings or what he let her ask for/agree to less than 2 weeks ago. He says he will be having her this weekend Saturday am to Tuesday school drop off (hasn't managed more than 24 hours for months as they get annoyed when she doesnt conform)

So... we are now poles apart on how to deal with this. I've spoken to school who advised to speak to solicitor, who have said it needs to be a mediator first. Has anyone pushed this far and got a good outcome for the child? I can't see forcing her to be somewhere she doesnt want to be is healthy. Surely building the relationship from the ground up again would be much better for her? Can I just say no and he doesn't get to see her until we get some outside help?

Thanks if you made it this far...

Anyone?

What do you currently have in place? Is there a court order stipulating shared care and access? That has to be the starting point.

If there isn't a court order in place, yes in theory you can refuse to send her and suggest he goes to court. In reality though remember as a parent he can collect her from school - say 5 mins ahead of finish time - and the school cannot refuse to hand her over.

Withdrawing at 8 sounds difficult. Are you sure there is nothing else going on in rhat home. Are there any other kids for example?

Crikey, that sounds difficult. I have no idea if you can just say "no" but I really hope you can.

Bumping for you in any case

It's always just been an agreement between us until it's got difficult.

There's a step sibling that she shares a room with, but she says they get on fine, and step mum, again says all is fine and she likes them both. Honestly I think she's bored there as its all go here but they don't do anything there really, it seems to be all ipad and tv and not a lot else... I think she's craving interaction 6 getting none, so withdrawing

Bumping for the morning crowd...

May be you need to do as the solicitor suggested - mediation. Your ex then can't hide away from accepting any responsibility for his daughter wanting to withdrawal. He needs to build a relationship with her, from the ground up, before insisting on 50:50!! It sounds as if she spends little time with her Dad on her own, and is expected to blend in with his new family, and their activities. She's having to share her space with a resident child too, which must be hard. He might expect her to seamlessly blend in, but she's 8, not 18!!

Op, with no order, you don’t have to agree to his plan.

you said it’s been agreed between you, but his demands are not agreed between you, so clearly ‘agreed between you’ has stopped now and he is dictating.

dictate back.

dd will come 1 day a month or whatever works. If he doesn’t agree he can take it to court, but I suggest you keep a record of all these demands, changes, professional opinions etc and put it back on him to inform you when he has resolved things to enable dd to attend.

mediation is a potential

I'm just worried about starting something that could go badly, ie court. I dont know how much they would take an 8 year old wishes into consideration. I've contacted a mediator so see how things progress from there.