My partner is getting so stressy and I’ve had enough

[ThePearlScroller]

Me and my partner have 2 boys. Ones 3 and the other is 7 months.
Since the birth of our 7 month old, our relationship has become strained. We get no time together, we always have one of the kids around us.
Our 3 year old is quite clingy. He can play on his own but would much rather one of us with him, he won’t sleep on his own (we do try every night but he just wakes up crying multiple times a night) and he has quite a few tantrums every single day. It’s a lot! I do most of the child care as a SAHM but on the evenings when my partner is around he tries to help, but he’s so short tempered! He’s started shouting a lot and moaning at me all the time over our toddlers behaviour, basically arguing with me and saying he can’t cope. Then when I take the toddler to bed I can hear him getting annoyed with the baby because he’s crying so then I’m rushing my toddlers bed time so I can get back to looking after the baby and it’s honestly draining me. I’m starting to feel like I don’t recognise this man anymore. He’s so negative. He goes off for hours to be alone when he can’t cope with the kids anymore and then when he comes back he just keeps moaning.
He moved us away from my family about a year ago now so we have no one who can help with the kids. I don’t know anyone where I’m living now and I honestly hate it where I am. I don’t drive so getting about is difficult. I feel completely dependent on my partner but at the same time I can feel myself losing feelings for him because I don’t like this person he’s become. When we argue sometimes he will tell me he’s done with us and to take the kids and go to the council etc, but then an hour later he will come back and talk to me like nothings happened. It’s so confusing!
I don’t want my kids to grow up around someone who can’t control their emotions and just shouts at everything. He’s had a moan at the 3 year old for eating the filling of a sandwich before the bread before and I snapped back and told him to leave the child alone, that to me is normal toddler behaviour but my partners adamant it’s not normal.
I thought me and him would grow old together and get married but now, 2 babies later, I don’t even know if we’re gonna make it through this year. I’m so heartbroken, I’ve tried to talk him through his behaviour so many times but nothing changes. I feel like such a failure to my kids.

So sorry you're going through this. It is a rough age and age gap ime! It likely won't get easier into age 4 5 6 especially if either child turns out to have any additional needs ND or health issues. If he's getting this angry now then it's not going to get any better unless he puts some work into himself.

If you feel threatened by him or he's unsafe to be around the kids then it's a no brainer you need to split up.

If not and there's scope for him accepting he needs help then he's got to decide how important this family is and do the work...medication, therapy, journalling, sports whatever is needed.

It's possible he has MH issues even PND can affect men but he must be able to see how inappropriate he's being. He should be able to control his temper better especially with you being a supportive partner, he is a grown-ass man yelling at a literal baby!

We find tagging eachother in and out super helpful, it might just being a case of him tuning into his own deregulation earlier on and stepping out, or tagging out when it gets too much.

If you decide to split, try not to feel like a failure or overwhelmed and don't underestimate your ability to do this alone at least for a little while, and work your way back to living near a support network. It's a one step at a time thing.