8 year old persistently retorts with "But you said..."

[R3XXY]

Hi all, my partner's 8 year old daughter often protests against pre-arranged and agreed plans with "But you said (fill in the blank)!".
She will claim that her mum and/or I agreed to something that neither of us agreed to, and gets very upset because she seems to truly believe that we are being unreasonable and going back on our word. It's seems as if we say something and in her mind she makes all kinds of assumptions, or creates false memories that align with her hopes or wants.
An example may be something like:
"When we get home you have to shower, get changed, then we'll have dinner and watch a film"
We get home:
"Ok go and shower and change into your pyjamas"
"BUT YOU SAID I COULD WATCH A FILM!!!"
After which ensues a big battle where she cries and swears blind that we agreed to let her watch her film as soon as we got home.

It's exhausting and happens far too often and in many daily situations.
Anyone else had these episodes or have any advice?

Thanks in advance.

It’s because you are missing out the thing she really wants to do, so she thinks you are saying that it’s no longer happening.
say “Ok go and shower and change into your pyjamas then we can watch the film”. You could add ‘so you are comfy/cosy/so we can cuddle up in your pjs’ or whatever.

When you tell her what’s going to happen get her to repeat it back to you straight away listing it in order.

Does she have trouble processing lots of instructions too? If you can predict the situations when this may happen, try using a visual timetable when you present the information. "We will do this, this and then this" with a series of pictures. This may help to fix it in her mind (and you have the evidence to refer back to!).

Good advice from MissyB1. If that doesn’t work, try keeping a notebook with you and write down what’s going to happen so she can’t dispute it.

Surely you just say "no I didn't, I said X". And refuse to entertain it any further. Don't get into arguments with a child, it's pointless.

I think you might be giving her too much information at once and she's struggling to process it all.

On first reading of your example, I also thought the same as your daughter regarding watching the film. Particularly as it's the only "interesting" bit of the instructions so the bit you naturally hone in on.

Alternatively, can you do what they do in schools and use visual boards to display the "timetable" of what's coming up? I'd say 8 was getting a bit old for this, but she might appreciate it.

My son has ASD and it is pretty futile to argue with him if he thinks you have cheated him in some way. What I found was trying to say yes as often as possible. So…
”go shower and get changed”
”but you said I could watch a film”
”yes! Shower and get changed and then you can watch a film. What film will it be today?” (Said with a big smile as you march her towards the bathroom)

That is far too much information in one sentence for a 8 year old to process. No wonder you are having problems. Even repeating all that back is not really going to help. Is it really necessary or could you give only one small piece of information at a time as required?

I should have said for this particular 8 year old to process. Not all 8 year olds are the same.

In that example you did say she could watch a film. Maybe she can’t take in all of the instructions up front and so only remembers the last one.

Maybe too many words? When my dc (8 and 5) are tired I break it right down for them. "Shoes. Bath. Pjs. Movie." And then repeat it several times on the way home finish with ok everyone, here we are, so it's shoes, bath, pjs and then....? With the dc shouting out movie as we all head inside. It's cheesy but works for us. Too many words and they both tune me out.

How to Listen so Kids will Talk and Talk so Kids will Listen has some good tips on this.

Thanks for all the replies, although some seem a little too focused on the example where this is a general theme.

We ask girl to do A, she would rather do B > "BUT YOU SAID I COULD DO B!"

Definitely some things to think about though, and we will take them into account, thank you :)

The example you gave isn’t you asking her to do A and her saying you said B though.
it sounds like your asking her to do A so that you can do B and she’s dropping the A, that’s understandable. You just need to emphasise the A and remind her of it resulting in B.

My 9 year old is the exact same, they listen to you but only hear and remember the bits that are exciting to them . And she goes mad if we have to change plans for other reasons...for example she'd asked dh if her friend could stay for sleepover Friday night but come straight after school and he had said yes but when she told me this I had said oh she can't come straight after school as we are going for dinner to grans after school (dh forgot) but she can come later and of course this has ruined her life because all she heard was she can't come and not the bit where I said she could come later. I'd like to assume she will grow out of it eventually 😂 I find sometimes it's better to never tell them plans for anything because if it changes in anyway, they do tend to say 'but you said'

In theory, this is great. However, every child isn’t the same and this would not fly with my AuDHD daughter. She would have a meltdown at the fact that she felt she’d been cheated. It’s much more complicated than her just wanting to watch a film. She’d need all those tasks broken down and she would definitely only focus on the one thing she can do easily with no thought- watch a film.

Children do deserve an explanation and discussion but I definitely agree with not being drawn into arguing about it.

Try living with my 8 year-old, whose new mantra is “Give me a VALID REASON!” in response to everything we ask him to do.

The problem is that he is the sole arbiter of what is valid and, apparently “Because it’s after 9pm and you have school tomorrow” is not a valid reason to go to bed.

I am sure that when I was a kid parents could just say “Because I said so” and the case was closed!

Most young kids cannot process more than three things (shower, change, tea and then film is 4). I used to break it down to three and count them off on my fingers in single word lists: shower (getting changed will happen anyway); eat; film. Then you say, later what do we need to do before the film? Yes, shower and have tea. How quickly can you do that? Let’s set a timer (and make it a game, that gets it’s her to the ‘film’ bit more quickly).

Mine were ASD [though I did not know that at the time], and I found if you didn’t break it into 3 simple things that could be listed on fingers, they simply forgot what you’d sent them upstairs to do. It may be that after school your DC is tired and less able to remember.

Ah, very controlling!

My 9 year old DS is the same and just doesn’t seem to listen fully. He often does the “but you said …” when he’s either totally misunderstood what is happening like in your example or just made up something totally false. He also repeats questions about things when I’ve given him an answer 10 minutes previously. He has admitted to maybe not listening fully and we have had to chat about listening when I’m talking as it may well be important. He is however one of those children who is often very fixated on his own interests and wants to talk my ear off about it or just goes into his own dream world about it so doesn’t then focus on anything else around him. No real advice, just for you to know you’re not alone and just keep persisting with your instructions so they don’t get missed or forgotten, think broken record.

"Yes, I did say you could watch a film and you can. But I said you need to do X first, remember? Let's do what we need to get ready for the film!"

So many techniques but I think the main point is that it's madness to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result, so it's good that you've picked up on that cycle of frustration.
I'd second there's no point arguing with a child, they always have more patience for an argument than your do.
A good tip on top of the visual timetables etc is to agree to disagree. So when she says "but you said x" you can say (, paraphrased) "oh you thought we would do X as soon as we got home but I meant to say that we had to have dinner first, sorry about that" because then you can own the confusion but still move forward.
Good luck, it is wearing!