How do you manage a child’s emotions when dad reduces the time he spends with them?

[Zoopymoopy]

i have full custody and for the past year and a bit my child’s dad would pick up our child every second weekend! Child is attached to dad and often asks for him. He has now told me that “due to work” he can’t afford to pick child up as child will turn 5 soon and train tickets will be expensive! I asked about other options such as a coach but he refuses as “I don’t want to be on a coach for 3 hours and if I am that concerned I should drive child to him and back(7 hour round trip)! I’m concerned about my child as they recently started school and already going through a tough settling in period! How do I tell my child when they ask about seeing their dad? I don’t even care about my free weekends anymore but I don’t want a part part time father, I don’t want my child to go off with him once a month like they are just a rag doll for when he is free! I would move heaven and earth to see my child and cannot accept that a train or coach ticket will set him back £500 a month ( we both live roughly 2hr train journey apart). I’ve compromised enough! I am solo parenting the majority of the time and do everything alone. How can a person do that to their child!
just to add, he’s always complained about money and wants me to give him back some of the child maintenance money to pay for his journey to pick child up. The original court order stated he is to see child at a contact centre one weekend a month and one FaceTime a week(this was drawn up 3 years ago) I thought we had gone past this and now it’s gone back to square one with him! He had the cheek to tell me he is suffering as he’s been doing “this” by himself for 4 years (the going back and forth to see his child ).

I don't know if it's the right approach but I can tell you my story. My ex moved 300 miles away once we split up. Our children were 2 & 4. I didn't slag him off but if he didn't see them as arranged I didn't make excuses for him. It felt really important to me that the DS made up their own mind about their dad or saw him for who he was. I didn't want to influence that. Even though I know he's an idiot, it's not for me to tell them that. They're now 14 & 16. They've seen their dad maybe 4 times since. We still don't slag him off but they have come to realise themselves that he's kind of flakey. When he actually turns up they go and see him, but the younger one particularly tells me that his dad is kind of half-hearted. It does upset me to know my DS feels like that, but I can't make his dad be a better parent and I'm confident ive done all I could to facilitate them meeting. Like I said I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but it's what we've done for 12 years.

Not sure if it's relevant but who moved away?

@rosiethegremlin that’s a very mature approach. I never talk badly about father to at all and I’ve always encouraged communication with him. I have also on some occasions taken child to him, I’m just concerned about emotions and the impact going forward.

i did when child was 1. It was DV related.

So contact is supposed to be at a contact centre? Or was it varied by the court,
they don’t normally put supervised contact in without good reason?

But that aside. Yes it is shit for your child. As they get older they will realise for themselves how rubbish he is. Tbh I’m not sure I’d feel too bad about him not being in dc’s life if he can’t be bothered to make the effort, I’d be worried about the quality of care and attention he was giving them when he was in their care,

Especially with history of DV
And if court ordered supervised contact.

Bless your little boy’s heart, the only way to help him with his emotions is to say his dad can’t afford the train fare. Let him be sad and tell him you always have extra hugs for him and remind him he can talk to you when he feels sad.
Have you got your parents nearby, maybe you could ask them to do something nice with him on the weekend when he would see his dad?

Your ex is trying to control you by pushing for you to either pay for his train fare or to drive 7 hours, the truth is he CBA and he is trying to put the blame on you. He doesn’t deserve a child!

@SpryCat thank you for your message! My child does not deserve this type of hostility! At the moment it’s just myself and my child with no nearby family, I haven’t made any mum friends yet at school so I can’t ask for support! I can get a childminder here and there but with 13 weeks worth of half-terms it will pressure me financially.

I was in a similar situation.

I would advise explaining in terms the child can understand that it is a long way for Daddy to travel and <neutral excuse> of your choice.

I would not be offering to cover any of the cost of travel or giving back any child maintenance or offering to facilitate the visits by travelling yourself. If you do, it becomes your responsibility to make the visits happen, and it could be the thin end of a very thick wedge.

As regards handling your child's emotions, I played the lack of contact down. No drama. Didn't mention it unless they did. Never did the "isn't it sad Daddy can't see you this weekend" thing. I allowed my children to voice their disappointment, but never made it to be a big tragedy or a really sad thing that he was not around so much. As they got older, I gently nudged them towards acknowledging that he was flaky, that they were allowed to say he was flaky without making out this was anything other than.a neutral reality.

They have a relationship with him now they are adults, but not a good one.

I had this issue with my ex for a while. He ended up with a set contact once weekend a month and some extra in the holidays.

I collected from him. I wouldn't drop off as he'd have then been the type to mess around and say he wasn't bringing them back. So if he collected them from here I went to bring them back.

Maybe ask him if he's looked into a family railcard. Makes everything much cheaper.

Unfortunately if he doesn't want to have contact he can't be made. Mine basically abandoned them (several times) when he found new partners and eventually the girls gave up on him.

Sympathise with DS offer ex longer periods during school holidays.

Don't get drawn into doing any of the travelling unless you happen to be going there for other reasons and it works for you and it won't be an issue if he pulls out at the last minute/fails to be there.

with your up date about dv id be temped to say “ok”.and see it as a blessing

say nothing to your boy other than facts ,,” you are seeing dad next month “ little ones can’t tell time or use calendars he may realise it Been a long time between visits maybe tell you son to “ ask dad” and get dad to squirm his way out if that one it’s not your job to smooth over his failings

if your ex had custody you would have moved house already wouldn’t you ?

can you get. your son has positive male role models like teachers uncles male babysitter to fill in the gap ??

Tell him to get a family railcard. Kids tickets reduced by 2/3, his ticket will be reduced by 1/3, might even be cheaper than his current ticket...

Have a look on trainline or similar putting in journey details, 1 adult, 1 child then add railcard discount.

Otherwise I'm afraid you just have to be age-appropriate and need-to-know with how much info you share with dc. 'Daddy's not able to come this weekend', 'we'll have to ask him why not' kinda thing. It's utterly shite (me and my DC all ended up in counselling when my ex dropped having the kids)