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Original poster

A friend's behaviour - long post - please advise

11 replies

tania111 · 03/05/2008 21:27

Hi,
I feel really sad because my friendship with an old friend has been ruined.

Basically two weeks ago it was my son's christening which was a really big deal to me because it took alot of work. He is four and I'm a single parents but wanted a big do for him with all his friends there.

I had a party for 60 people at my house and had four friends staying the night before. One of them and her four year old son had come from miles away and stayed another 3 nights afterwards. Basically, I found the party although good, very, very tiring and afterwards found my friend quite stressful.

I've hardly seen her for the past few years as she lives a long way away but she wanted to come and I thought I wouldn't see for ages if she didn't. I think she didn't realise the amount of work I'd had to do for it.

There were alot of incidents such as she wouldn't eat any of the huge amount of food (unopened) that I had left from the christening afterwards so I had to buy more food/takeaways etc despite having spent a fortune buying too much food. Other things, she didn't help clear up but expected me to entertain her in the following days, used all my bubble bath, didn't bat an eye when her son peed in the bath - said he always does that! Gave some of my unopened food to another friend thinking I didn't hear her, when I said we'd drunk 15 bottles of wine (just pleased that'd all gone) said 'you didn't get that many'!, wanted extra towels, bath just before kids bathtime and when last person had just left after christening at 8pm(only enough hot water for one bath) etc, etc

Finally couple of days later we had a row. She had wanted to go the zoo so we went. Our kids had a bit of disagreement and her son kicked mine. I got cross with him and she defended him and we had words with each other. We made up and got on ok the rest of the visit.

Anyway, since then have heard nothing from her. Have called her but she was busy and said she'd call back but hasn't. She hasn't thanked me for the stay but has said she was glad she came for the christening.

Many times over the past few years she hasn't returned calls etc as she has suffered depression.

Anyway, now feel partly really annoyed as this was supposed to be a really special time and feel it was partly ruined and I feel she was really selfish. But partly feel really sad as I love her dearly as a friend but wish she hadn't stayed at that time. It's her birthday coming up and will send a card but not sure whether/what to write and whether to acknowledge the problem.

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moondog · 03/05/2008 21:28

Some frined!

You're better off without people like this in your life.

Original poster

tania111 · 03/05/2008 21:30

by the way forgot to add that at the zoo my son kicked her son first and I told him off for that.

OP posts:

foxythesnowfox · 03/05/2008 21:31

Sounds like you were a great host, did she actually refuse to help or did you not ask her? (I find delegating really hard and do far too much myself).

Send her a card, saying it was lovely to see her and spend some time with her.

Then don't invite her again.

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nell12 · 03/05/2008 21:33

They do say visitors are like fish... they go off after 3 days.

I suspect your friend is feeling as bad as you. She was obviously expecting something different from the trip (obv she was wrong). She was staying with you during a time where you wanted everything to be perfect and so were run off your feet (TBH I am amazed you managed what you did, you must be completely exhausted)

Strike it down to experience (dont invite her for a long visit during a busy period) send her a birthday card and move on.

Original poster

tania111 · 03/05/2008 21:35

It's partly my fault as I just got stressed by the mess (20 four year old boys for about 7 hours!) but I think had the situation been reversed I would have offered and been trying to help as much as possible in next couple of days. I ended up doing loads afterwards for her but getting stressed rather than relaxed and good company. When I said I felt tired/stressed the next day she said 'ah well, these things are always like that'.

I don't know how to express myself better and it's such a shame.

OP posts:

nell12 · 03/05/2008 21:41

A good friend would have helped...

Dont give up on her as a friend, just place her in the "not very helpful" column.

Original poster

tania111 · 03/05/2008 21:45

thankyou but the fact that she hasn't called makes me think she is annoyed with me and I feel our friendship is over from her side. This makes me partly annoyed and partly sad as I don't want to apologise as I feel I bent over backwards for her.

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Original poster

tania111 · 03/05/2008 22:20

Also I can't work out if her behaviour was really selfish (most of my friends who she doesn't know who I've talked about it to have said she was) or I was just too stressed and no fun.

OP posts:

cornsilk · 03/05/2008 22:46

Apart from not helping did she really do anything so awful? She must have picked up on the stressed 'vibes' - it's difficult to not give them off! Maybe she thought you were being a bit off with her.

Original poster

tania111 · 03/05/2008 22:58

I know that's what I worry about. I didn't want to be off but an example of the things that annoyed me were.

Another friend's 3 yr old wanted me to open a pack of crisps (there were LOADS of opened similar things) and I said no. I had spent about £350 on food and loads was going to be thrown away. Anyway the little girl was upset and my friend say 'awh let her'. I felt guilty so opened the pack and gave it to her.

Then I heard my friend say to the girls mother in a whisper 'just slip them in your bag'! I felt really undermined. Apart from the cost, the food wasn't hers to give away and felt like I'd been made out to be really mean. Also should be able to say no to someone else 3 year old, I certainly wouldn't object if another adult said no to my son in their house.

OP posts:

tearinghairout · 03/05/2008 23:04

Maybe there was other stuff in her life already that was stressing her; perhaps she felt as if she 'deserved' a holiday & so expected you to run around after her, or perhaps she resented your other friends. It's difficult to guess. What I'm trying to say is that maybe there was something else going on that you weren't aware of. The fact that she wouldn't eat your food & made it all more hard work sounds very childish. She sounds immature.

I would send her a card and leave it at that. It's a shame, but sometimes you have to accept that a person isn't doing you any good. Don't apologise to her, and don't let her ruin the memory either.

Also in future - four nights for s/o else & their child to stay is too long!

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