2 kids and mum’s guilt

[Ethny]

I was blessed with 2 beautiful daughters (5 yo and 3 months). My DD1 was quite independent before DD2 was born. Now she constantly wants our attention. DD1 adores her little sister and wants to be involved in everything related to her. But DD1 wants 1/1 time literally every minute I’m not with a baby. If I say I’m too busy or I need to relax DD1 would moan or try to be very cute. If I insist I can’t spend time with her she’ll say “Mummy, sorry I annoyed you” or something similar. Then I would respond that she doesn’t annoy me and I didn’t say that. So basically she will get my attention and we’ll talk about her complex feelings. Or I’ll take both girls for a walk and my DD1 will moan how tired or how bored she is after literally 10 minutes unless I play with her every minute ( “I spy with my little eye” type of games) . I’m so overwhelmed. Why my 5 years old is a harder work than a newborn? She is absolutely lovely little girl, that type of personality which is adored by all teachers: smart, kind, follows the rules. I’m trying so hard to spend quality time with DD1. But it seems that she wants from me more than I can give. And I have a very involved DH who spends plenty of time with DD1 too. But it’s never enough it’s like I have a toddler again. I know it will be harder with DD2 soon too. She will be more active and demanding. And I have no idea how I’ll handle it.

That can be hard. My dd was like this at that age. I found if I dedicated a solid 15 or 20 minutes to one of her games I would then say that mummy needs to have a coffee/wash dishes/laundry etc. And because I had focused on her game and played with her I could go. If she was sad about it I would invite her to help with the chores. More often than not she would say no thanks. But if she did help I would fill the sink and get her to wash the plastic or safe dishes, while I got on with other kitchen cleaning.

I also used the excuse of needing to go to the toilet as a way to get a break. I’d take my phone in there, sit on the toilet and play games or surf the internet for 20 minutes.

This sounds perfectly normal. Eldest DD is used to having you all to herself and it takes a while for them to adjust to having a new sibling and the new family dynamics. I think you need to find something that she occupy herself with- if she's not used to playing independently it will take a while for her to get the hang of it and for you the facilitate it. Maybe you could set her a challenge of building a tall tower and showing you when it's done. Or printing out a specific colouring page she wants. Or get her to set up a tea party that you can come to after x amount of time. Having a sand timer is also helpful so she knows she's got till the timer ends to entertain herself. It is incredibly hard, but make the most of the fact that baby doesn't need much by way of entertainment or involvement from you at this age. And focus your attention on your eldest.
Also reading books about responsible older siblings will help her find her stride in her new role.
If all else fails, absolutely nothing wrong with bribing her with screen time or treats!

If it’s any consolation, I have found the early childhood years more difficult than having a newborn. I’ve been mentally drained.

The key is to give them attention in little bursts and then get them set up with something to do independently.

Also, for your own sanity, explain that mummy needs ‘quiet times’. E.g. If baby is sleeping and you have a 20 min window, start introducing a ‘quiet time’ for yourself with her where she has to play/ entertain herself/not interact with you until it’s over…when she tries to interact, gently shush and remind her that you will come to her again when quiet time is over. They don’t get it straight away, it takes time and consistency- also, you do have to give them a bit of a fuss after if they need it. I found after a while ds started to entertain himself so I would leave it a bit longer and just grab some peace where I could. If it works then make sure you use the time to do nothing for a bit, or something that helps to soothe and recharge you.

If all else fails, you’re not a bad mum for using a little screen and snack time.

The thing is she is totally capable of playing independently. Before DD2 was born she would sit and draw pictures, do lego or magnetic tiles for quite some time. But now it’s either screen time or full parent’s attention. If we don’t entertain her she finds a way to express her big feelings which I can’t ignore. “Mummy, I’m too sad, I don’t like to be sad but I can’t stop it”, “Mummy sorry I disturbed you, I didn’t want to disappoint you” (like what?? Where it comes from)

I’m trying to do that. Tbh we are not very strict with a screen time and she has it when we need some extra sleep in the morning or when baby has witching hours.
Baby doesn’t take a bottle which means I can’t delegate feedings or night wakes to DH. So we have fun dad who plays with kids and exhausted mum who is trying to balance things. It feels like I’m doing a lot of hidden work that my 5 yo can’t appreciate (of course she can’t, I don’t expect her to) and she wants even more from me.

Ha she’s good at getting your attention but without misbehaving isn’t she!! Clearly a smart girl with a lot of emotional intelligence.

I think I’d have an honest chat with her and say you’ve noticed she wants lots of playtime from you right now, and you know that’s probably because of the new baby. Remind her you love her just as much as before the baby and she’s such a great big sister. You love her so much and enjoy playing with her but you also need to have rests sometimes and get other jobs done. Maybe you could have a really big cuddle with her for a few minutes and then she can play by herself for 10 minutes so you can rest or get a job done.
She may be a little young to understand but I think you could start being a bit honest with her at this age and she might get it. Just make sure that any time you ask her to play by herself she gets a cuddle first iyswim.

I read somewhere recently that children are actually programmed evolutionary to try to get more than they need from their parents. Competition for resources. So I suppose strong boundaries are needed while making them feel loved and valued. It's so hard being a parent!

Gosh what an intelligent little girl. The ‘sorry I disappointed you’ is heartbreaking.
OP give her some 1:1 time without the baby there. A big girls trip to a cafe for a cake and hot chocolate, swimming date, whatever she enjoys.