Why is having a 3 year old so hard??

[sammyj1993]

My 3 year old is our second child, so it’s not my first rodeo, but I am completely at my wits end and unsure of what I can or can’t do about it.

For background, I am a 31 year old neurodivergent and chronically ill mum, who has been to many parenting courses, I’ve done a CBT course for my daughter, and I feel like I’m quite knowledgable about most aspects of parenting ish maybe…
My son, who has just turned 3 is so hard and I am losing it. His speech is not the best, he’s at the stage where only I can really understand him, he’s has absolutely no understanding of danger, he doesn’t seem to grasp right and wrong, he goes out of his way to destroy things, ripped all of the wallpaper off his bedroom, he hits, bites and kicks all the time. I am struggling so much, I can’t remember the last time I picked him up from nursery where they didn’t pull me to the side to tell me he’s hit staff and children, or that he’s ripped the displays off the walls etc. they’ve put him on a provision map now for sharing and comunication. When I did his parents evening I broke down to his teacher, telling her that I lived for him to be at nursery because I couldn’t deal with him at home, how I’m scared to take him out without my husband because there’s been numerous times he’s made a run for it, nearly been in an accident, how I’m feeling like I’ve failed him and I don’t know what we’re supposed to do. His nursery teacher pretty much shrugged her shoulders and told me she would see us in March to review his provision map.
sleep used to be our only saving grace, he would sleep from 6pm until 8am consistently with no issues, now all of a sudden he’s waking at 5am.
I love him so so much, but I just struggle to be around him, and the guilt is absolutely insane. What am I supposed to do?

I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about any of this and it is just making me feel so depressed and full of anxiety. 😩

That sounds so difficult, I'm so sorry for everything you are going through at the moment. Has he been assessed/referred for ADHD?

Thank you. When I suggested that he might need to be referred for ADHD assessment or autism assessment to his nursery they told me they wouldn’t support that referral until he was 7. 🤯

Would going private be an option?

That's sounds really hard. I've got a 2.5 year old and it's tough. One thing that jumped out at me was the mention of sleep times. Is he waking early because he's going to bed too early? Ours sleeps 7:30pm to 8am. Could you try putting him to bed later, a little at a time?

Go directly to your HV or GP with your concerns. It sounds like possible additional needs maybe ADHD. Don’t wait until he’s in school, or even better find him a better nursery or pre-school provision that will support you both. Also push for a speech and language referral. Occupational therapy would be ideal too but they rarely refer for possible neurodivergence or sensory need unless extreme so if private is an option definitely look into that too. Keep the home environment calm… if you can!

It's not that hard to parent a 3 year old.

It is that hard to parent some ND 3 year olds though. Being ND yourself and your list of his behaviours makes it clear he is too with or without a diagnosis. So I would start parenting him as if he is.
Reins / little life back pack with long handle / wrist strap / pushchair for older children to make it safer taking him out and about

Sensory tent at home, a cheap popup camping tent would do with a blanket on the bottom and lots of sensory toys in there for safe space cooling down time.

Pecs cards for communication, you can get printable versions from Etsy. Teach him Makaton alongside speech to aid with communication.

Nip sensory overload in the bud before it happens and preempt sensory seeking. Sunglasses / noise cancelling headphones phones / weighted vests. Wobble cushion to sit on.

He's too young for a weighted blanket but weighted vests for daytime and weighted lap blankets or toys for sitting / laying down.