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Feelings around second child and growing up

3 replies

Sunnyday14558 · 05/01/2025 19:03

I had a wonderful pregnancy and labour with my first son. He was born in May and for the first seven months of his life my husband and I were deliriously happy. All I remember was the summer and excitement of being new parents. At eight months old he had an accident which left his with a small facial scar and it just made us so sad. Two years have passed and I still feel guilt and sadness that it happened. My second son was born six months ago and he had a really rough start. I was told to prepare for him not making it when I was 33 weeks pregnant and after he was born we spent two months in hospital. He’s doing well now but had to have some major surgery and saw some really harrowing things during our stay in intensive care. I’m delighted with my two boys and feel incredibly lucky to have them. I do however feel that there is this huge sense of grief in me. For example, I’ve been taking my first son’s clothes out the attic and I feel overwhelmed with sadness that I cant return to those first seven months of his life when everything was so wonderful. My stomach literally turns. Everyone tells me these are the happiest years of your life and I wonder if other mums have these feelings of sadness about their children growing up or a longing for those times before things get hard with toddlers and real life problems gradually creeping in. I feel alone and wonder if it’s just because my firstborn had an accident and my second was born under such difficult circumstances or whether this is a more universal feeling I’m experiencing?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Nextyearhopes · 05/01/2025 23:08

For a start, these saying ‘these are the happiest years of your life’ are spouting bollocks. Nobody gets to decide that for anyone else. Some love other stages of their children’s lives and wouldn’t go back to babies and toddlers even for payment!

As for the scar. The kid is ok. It’s a tiny aesthetic thing and is part of his life story. I have one on my knee from where I fell over the cat skipping with a rope down the drive - is that traumatic? No, it’s something that happened (bloody funny now looking back, unlike yours). Kids don’t stay shiny and pristine forever.

Your neonatal experience with your second child on the other hand is terrible. please allow yourself to process that properly with people who understand it, and allow yourself to enjoy motherhood.

devongirl12 · 05/01/2025 23:10

I had a very difficult birth with my first and a very lonely maternity leave. Looking back I was possibly verging on post natal depression, or possibly post natal anxiety.

I still feel a deep longing for that time, and I also struggle with letting go of the baby clothes etc from that period.

It's not rose-tinted glasses. I know exactly how hard I found it. I would just give anything to go back again, and hopefully handle it better and enjoy it and live more in the moment.

So to answer your question, I don't know if it's universal. But it's certainly common. I feel it and I had a very different experience to you.

I think it's natural. It's the first time in your life you really experience how quickly the years pass. And they really do grow up so quickly. And the early years are such a bubble.

I think it's only natural to have a strong reaction to that.

Freakenomicswithcake226 · 05/01/2025 23:33

I'm sorry that you are feeling so distressed op and although I am not an HCP I think you may be suffering from the effects of the trauma you experienced with your second baby, and those feelings brought about by the unpredictability of life, and the fact that you were forced to confront our general lack of control over events have conflated the two experiences in your mind and made you hyper-sensitive to anything, however big or small, that potentially threatens your dcs' safety.

It's probably only now six months in, when your second baby is doing well, that your adrenaline has lessened and your mind and body have started processing everything you have been through.

Try and hold on to the fact that you have all survived op and your babies are safe.

Perhaps other posters on here could recommend some organisations that offer counselling centered around birth and post-partum trauma and illness. But maybe speak to your GP first about the possibility of post-partum depression too as you may benefit hugely from some skilled therapy.

Btw you are not alone so don't get afraid about the fact that you are afraid ifyswim op. Pregnancy and birth are often the very first occasions when women encounter scary health related experiences that are outside of our control. And that obviously comes in to direct conflict with our powerful need to protect our DC. And what you went through was very scary indeed so don't feel embarrassed about seeking help which we all need from time to time.

Good luck.

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