Having a second after difficult first?

[User7164]

DS is 3 and DH and I have been debating a second for a year now.

My first was in all honesty a nightmare baby. Never once slept (still doesn’t), colicky for first year of his life, we rarely left the house due to his constant unsettledness. It almost broke me the constant screaming and lack of sleep. As a toddler now. Extremely high energy and defiant, never ever sits still not even to watch TV. However, also unbelievably clever, kind, loving and generous and I am so proud of him every single day.

I am dying to give him a sibling as he is such a sociable little character and loves being around friends, which we don’t tend to see very often so I feel he’s missing out on that. But the cons keep outweighing the pros.

I don’t know if I could cope having the same baby again. I just now after 3 years feel like we’re coming out the other side slightly. We also have a great set up with grandparents having him every Saturday evening which allows me some alone time. As a type A personality I can not cope without time on my own which I’ve only recently managed to start having again!

Torn between ‘would it be worth the chaos for what will come out the other side?’ and ‘don’t fix what isn’t broken’…..

Would love to hear from others in similar situations, if you had another what was it like? If you didn’t, are you happy with just the one?

We're in a similar situation and have decided not to have another child. Ours is the same age as yours, so can't speak to long term regrets but I'm happy with the decision now. If we had a second baby who was like our first, my existing son would suffer greatly and I just don't want to do that to him. And that's just thinking about a difficult child, not one with a lot of additional needs.

However, I don't really value siblings so that's not a factor in our decision. Our son is very sociable and loves playing with other children, but he gets plenty of that at nursery and we just make an effort to go places at weekends or my days off that encourage it (playgroups, classes, soft play etc). We know we will have to be very proactive in future arranging play dates or activities like beavers etc.

Hi OP, sorry to hear you had such a tough time with your first. I've been where you are and it's NOT easy. Ultimately, we decided not to have a second and we have no regrets, although I have a few health problems which were another consideration for us. There are times when I have tiny pangs for another now she's older and so delightful (she's 6) but they're very much outweighed by how much we love being a triangle family. Fortunately my husband was on the same page as me in deciding not to have another. I love that she doesn't have to share us, and we don't have to play referee to squabbling. Financially and practically, it's way easier and we have far fewer stresses there, one set of uni fees etc. She is very sociable though, so we have to keep busy at weekends and we do have to play with her a lot, Barbies, drawing, games etc. she doesn't just sit there playing nicely by herself which I erroneously assumed only children do. That said, I'm sure if we had had a second we wouldn't have regretted it at all.
Good luck x

@TwirlyPineapple Really appreciate that response, thank you! Sounds like you’re reading from my mind. It’s the unknowing isn’t it. Could be an easy baby (like all of my friends’ seemed to be!!) or the same again. And that’s assuming all goes well and there are no complications or additional needs as you said. You have definitely made me feel more at ease about our choice if we do decide to stick with one though so thank you.

@MudandParsnips thank you for your kind words. That is the other side that I sometimes forget to consider, our bond is so special with DS and I do worry about ruining that. But yes I feel you with the constant playmating! That was one of my ‘pros’ is that it might take some of the pressure off me eventually haha. Thank you so much again for sharing that x

My.first was the spawn of the devil. He didn't sleep, he screamed a lot, never went in his buggy, he was such hard work. I just kept thinking that I had ruined my life. He got up at four, he didn't talk till he was three, I had to play with him for fourteen hours a day, he needed constant input. It wasn't exactly as I had envisioned parenthood. Everyone else seemed to have these chilled babies and mine was manic.

But, he got better eventually and he is now a delightful teenager.

We went ahead and had a second anyway with a two year gap and the second baby was the total opposite to the first. A delightful, relaxed, happy little thing that actually slept and ate and went in a buggy etc.

They are both wonderful and my only slight regret is that we didn't try for three.

I get the not sleeping part, my daughter is almost 4 and still doesn't reliably sleep through unless she sleeps with me or her dad.

I've just had my second baby the other week and so far she's pretty much identical to the first except she cries a bit more.

You could wait until DS starts school maybe or is due to start school, just to give you a bit of a break to focus on one. My DD will be at preschool 4 days a week term time so I expect that will make things easier

You've described my first, she is 4 now. When my friends started having babies I asked what was wrong with them as their cries seemed so feeble and only lasted 3 minutes max.

She still talks for 12.5 hours a day, can't watch a film, can't sit still, wakes in the night to talk some more.

We had another this year. So far she's a nice easy baby. The most difficult bit is the 4 year old continuing to speak at 100 miles an hour whilst skipping around the living room and needing a reply whilst baby cries for milk/tired. She is the most loving, caring big sister and it's a joy to see (if she would only sit down!)

We were in the same position with a difficult first DC. We decided to go for a second as we did want two children and didn’t want DD to be an only child. We got lucky and our second DC is so much easier, I’ve spent the whole time thinking so this is what it’s supposed to be like. I don’t know how we would have coped with another difficult child but we would have had to. We won’t be having a third as we don't want to risk it again.

My personal advice: don't do it, @User7164.

Same OP, you are describing my first child. I was a walking zombie. Throw in night shifts and day shifts in my job with zero childcare help it nearly killed me.

My 1st finally started to sleep for longer periods when reaching 5 years old and at full time school.

Only then did I think about maybe trying for another child.

Unfortunately due to unexpected infertility and then multiple losses it wasn’t until many years later we got our baby number 2.
Equally spirited but a much better sleeper, a joyful experience!
I was able to actually enjoy him, felt well, more myself and often thought to myself “this is what everyone else feels like being a parent”! I felt utterly bereft experiencing such horrendous parenthood the first time round.

I think back and honestly don’t know how I got through it. No one understands either, no one. I have never met anyone who has experienced anything similar. Felt very alone and very very lonely and desperate most days & nights.

Does he go to nursery? He could get his social interactions with other kids of his own age there. I think people assume that children will get on and play together but there is often sibling rivalry, and a three year age gap will mean the younger child won't necessarily be fun for the older child for at least two years, and even then maybe not.

I also don't think it's a great idea to bring a child into this world because you want their sibling to have a buddy, the new baby is a person in their own right not a support sibling.

Also have a high energy, no sleep first child. To be honest the 2nd has been a little easier because the first was so bad but it's our normal so we are ok 😂

I went into labour with my second crying that I didn't feel ready. My first was such hard work, colicy and grumpy constantly for the first 7 months. I didn't enjoy being a mum during this time and I felt sure my second would be the same. She was the total opposite, very chilled and happy baby! She had her challenges in other ways though - she was a much more challenging toddler.

We went for number 2 fairly soon after I went back to work, because none sleeping DS1 plus 2x full time jobs wasn't sustainable.

DH took full responsibility of the toddler overnight, and I did all the newborn wakes. I got more sleep than I had in 2 years!

When I returned to work with a 3 yr old and 1 yr old, we were down to 3 wakes a night (one for the youngest, 2 for the toddler....) and life was manageable.

DS2 is very much the polar opposite of his extroverted, energetic, brother. So much so teachers at school comment on it when they teach both boys (now at secondary).

We have 2 difficult children. Second was no easier than the first, but we went into it expecting as much. What helped was a big enough age gap that dc1 was in nursery 5 days when dc2 was born, so she could burn off energy in the day and I could focus completely on the baby. She started primary school when dc2 was 4 months old. And plenty of help from DH, he had 6 months off work which was really needed in the early days. Even now they're older he's around every evening and weekends and never works away. We don't have grandparents who can help so it's just us and any paid childcare. I need alone time but I work pt so I get it when dcs are in school/nursery, and dc1ngoes to holiday camps during school holidays regardless of my working hours). If I couldn't have as much support from DH and be able to pay for childcare when I don't strictly need it for work, I'll be honest I wouldn't have gone for dc2. We would have been drained and miserable. The sibling relationship is great, but they argue a lot and it's hard to split our attention.

It is a gamble. Our first was a very difficult baby, colic, never slept, easier toddler except nightmare to potty train, still quite intense, continued tantruming/meltdowns after toddler years and still does. She is also very intelligent, a bit different from her peers and we think she is autistic. We did have a second but as I was so worried about having a difficult baby again we waited longer, DD1 was in school before I was pregnant. Our second child was a very easy baby, slept lovely, no colic and I'm glad we have her. I think she is neurotypical. It was a gamble though, especially as we have a lot of neurodiversity in our family, some much more severe than what I suspect in DD1. I wouldn't role the dice a third time. DD1 enjoys having a sibling but I think she would have been fine and possibly benefited from continuing as an only child too.

We had a really tricky first, and my mental health suffered horrendously. Took us 4 years to have a second, i had all the same reservations as you. But honestly? It's wonderful. The second is easier, we are more relaxed, our life is already set up for kids so the transition is just easier - the second just sort of slots in.
The first is still a high energy complex character but has mellowed somewhat and is an absolute delight with their sibling. I love love love seeing them together.
Just my experience, fwiw

Same here and I now have a second one like it. Well sort of. I don’t like the word colic, it just means undiagnosed crying. In both mine it was reflux/silent reflux. With the second I got her on medication and reflux milk a lot faster and knew what would help. I coped a lot better in some ways but the sleep was even worse the second time round and that on top of a 4yo was a very difficult time. My second is harder in some ways (sleep is worse and her reflux is going on longer) but she’s easier in others and I’m more confident second time round. There’s also new challenges I hadn’t anticipated (all she wants to do is play with my older one and his toys and he gets annoyed that she’s destroying things and I also have to watch all his small toys!).

i think it depends on how you are as a person also. Im someone who gets overwhelmed easily and I’m not very easy going. In hindsight maybe I should have stuck to one. But now that I know DC2 I wouldn’t change it.

not sure if that helps but to add- whatever you decide, it’ll be the right decision for you and you’ll be ok xx

I think a lot depends on your childcare/support situation. Like a pp, we can afford good childcare which gives us both the head space and alone time we need. It's looking at the situation in the round i think

Deciding "not right now" isn't deciding "not at all" unless your age is a big factor? Maybe a bigger gap is the right thing in this situation? I couldn't even contemplate another until after our first turned 4.

My mother always said that if she'd had my brother first she would never have had a second. He was an extremely difficult baby and never really calmed down even now as an adult he's very difficult. As the sibling of a very high needs child/adult, I would much rather have been an only child.

If your first child is neurodivergent (sounds likely) then there's a good genetic chance your second will be too. However not all ND kids are difficult babies, girls do tend to be a bit easier early on