Terrified about going back to work

[Imuptoolate]

I’m going back to work on Wednesday after my second child’s maternity leave and I am absolutely dreading it, I don’t know how I am going to cope.

I have a 3yo and a baby who’s almost 1. The baby still wakes every 1-2 hours during the night, his sleep is atrocious and for no apparent reason. Won’t settle for DH, so I’m constantly up and down all night. I will then be getting up at 6:30 to get both kids dropped off at nursery by 7:30, starting work at 8am.

DH doesn’t drive so I will be doing nursery drop off and pick up. Then what makes it all worse is that the job I’m going back to is primary school teaching, so once we’ve got through dinner, bathtime, bedtime, packed all the lunches and nursery bags etc for the next day, I will then have either a pile of marking to do or a load of planning/admin on my laptop to do. The nature of the job also means that I have to be ‘on form’ all day as I’m in charge of 30 kids, I can’t just hide behind my desk if I’ve had an awful night with the baby.

We have no family to help with childcare when the kids inevitably pick up all of the nursery bugs. I get 1 paid day’s leave per academic year for looking after poorly children.

We will be using the whole 30 funded hours a week for the hours that I’m at work, so I won’t ever be able to just have a random day off when the kids are at childcare to recharge myself, I’ll either be at work or with them.

Honestly how am I going to cope?! Any tips/advice/solidarity? My work colleagues keep saying how excited they are for me to come back, which is lovely but I’m so worried that I’m gong to be a massive disappointment because I’m just not going to be able to function at the same level as I did before mat leave.

Bumping for you.

My LO is starting nursery soon and I'll be going back to work too.

Hi,

Don't want to read and run as your situation is very similar to mine although slightly different. Although I only have one child, I went back to teacher training (primary) when she was 7 months old. This girl did not sleep more than an hour or two either at best before waking and took hours to fall asleep at night. It was absolutely gruelling. I would have to wake up at 6 for nursery drop off then to get to work for 8, I really did question everything and considered dropping out. I'm now a full time qualified teacher with an almost three year old who still doesn't sleep! And I totally sympathise with the bath, bed then pulling out the laptop scenario. I know that I'm dropping the ball at work but try to be kind to myself that as a mum you cannot be perfect in every situation in your life. In my opinion, if you give all to your job, you will be doing yourself a disservice at home for example, or if you give your all to your home life, then your career may be impacted, unless of course you are superwoman which I'm sure some women out there are! I try and find a balance between work and home, and it does mean some more menial tasks do get put on the shelf for later (and maybe I find the time to come round to them!), I apologise profusely to my coworkers and say a kind word for myself and a pat on the back for getting through the day. Anyway, I have no advice per se than just solidarity in the situation. You will find your groove and I'm sure once you're in it you will settle back in, I wonder how much of it could be the anticipation/sunday scaries of going back influencing your mindset and making it seem too overwhelming (I have it as Christmas break is almost over!)

Will you be going back full time or part time? If you do struggle when you go back, hopefully the school will be able to support your workload etc if you are in a supportive school.

I couldn’t read and run. It sounds shit to be honest. Exhausting. Are you FT? Could you drop to PT if so? I know you would have the kids with you, but at least it would be one less day of doing the nursery run.
Make sure your husband takes on a significant job to make up for you doing the drop offs. He needs to be fully in charge of packing lunches plus doing the dinner clear up, say. While you start your work. Tolerate it being done badly if needed at the start until he figures out you aren’t going to rescue him.

One practical and achievable way to ease the burden on you is for your DH to get some driving lessons and get his licence.

Your h needs to learn to drive

Yes your husband needs to learn to drive, unless there is some medical need which means he can’t.

especially as your little one will be picking up bugs every week basically- especially at this time of year. Who’s going to pick up little one when that happens? Presume you can’t just leave your class?!

It is completely shit and there are no easy answers. I’m in the same boat six months down the line - my second is now 18 months.

Yes, learning to drive might be a good idea but realistically the OP needs help now, not when her youngest is three which let’s face it is when her DH will pass his test!

Are you going back full time @Imuptoolate ?

What job does your husband do?
He will be able to have the children for part of the weekend, maybe a few hours, so you can take a break.

Yeah, first of all DH needs to learn to drive onshore drop-offs and pick ups. That’s a joke it’s all left to you because he doesn’t.

Before you even said you were a teacher I sensed you were. Primary teaching is blooming tough, let alone with little ones that don't sleep through the night.
I career changed from teaching after 10 years as I couldn't manage on 4 hours ish sleep each night after I came back from mat leave. I earn a lot less these days but my quality of life has improved 100%. And I feel like I am a much better parent
I'd suggest going part time if possible. But it all comes down to whether you can take a hit in the wages.
The Facebook group: exit the classroom and thrive have lots of resources about working out your bottom line salary (even for a temporary amount of time) and where to look for other roles.
If you don't want to leave teaching- I would recommend cutting every corner you possibly can. Mark in lessons where possible. Train the children to tidy the classroom at the end of each day before hometime so you don't have to. Best of luck.

Also teacher and returned last time after 2nd mat leave.
It's really tough, and we had several bouts of illness but you have to get comfortable with taking that time when needed - i found it easiest to agree in advance which days would be 'mine' and which would be 'his' if kids were ill.
Can you put a bit of money aside if you don't get much paid dependents leave, to make it easier? I'd also consider vaccinating against chickenpox

Things that have helped

1. Systems at work and home. Planning the week, including some easier lesson times, and scheduling marking. Which meals will dh make? He could have them Saturday morning so you either sleep or get marking done
2. Getting more comfortable leaving things undone. It's really hard when the pressure feels relentless but the job will always expect to take as much as you can give It's ok to give less at this time of your life - you're not letting down any children at home or work
3. Decide some non negotiables (home and work) to set boundaries
4. Say no more often
5. Be clear with dh that your work is important (but be honest with yourself if it needs doing or is a nice to have). You need leisure time too even if just a small amount - it shouldn't be that he's only got the kids so you can work and then hands them straight back

Gosh , I couldn't do this, you literally don't get a break.

Is there any other role you could do with your teaching skills that is less demanding? Even if it meant a pay cut.

Otherwise your h needs to learn to drive.

Sounds like it's all falling on you.

This does sound tough. Especially the responsibility of all of the nursery stuff. If one of your own dc is unwell you are in a difficult situation if he can't get there.

You are going to have to be strict on yourself with regards to how much work you do at home.

Husband needs to get off his arse in the night and also getting them ready in the morning.

Hi OP, teacher here. I've been where you are. Kids the same age gap and youngest didn't sleep through til he was 4. I actually ended up quitting and going into a support role for a massive pay cut but it was so much easier and I loved it. Once youngest was at school everything was easier as I did drop off and pickup and found a school that would allow me to just work the hours in between - which was easy, I only had to ask, as I was massively overqualified and they really wanted me! I did SEND support, ran interventions and did some cover. I understand you might not be able to manage the drop in income though.

I never went back into class teaching, kids are 10 and 8 now and I'm retraining to be a child therapist.

There are other options! See how you get on and if it's hell, just try and get through this term and look at what else you could do instead.

Your DH needs to step up immediately.

He must learn to drive (why does he get to dodge this?), and he needs to take over bathtimes, making meals and as much housework as he can pack in to the evenings.

Thanks for all of your replies everyone. Some great advice here especially about being strict on myself about how much work I do at home and giving DH more jobs (and tolerating them done badly to start with- that made me laugh @Bobbie12345!)

Those of you who are/were teachers, do you think I should speak to SLT about the current situation? Or will that make me look work shy/not ready to return from the get go? Before this mat leave I had a child who slept through and he went to a childminder, rather than nursery, so he was hardly ever ill. I could function at work very well. This time around it’s a whole different ballgame!

I’ll try to answer all of the questions. I am going back 3 days a week, DH works full time but can do it from home most of the time, which will help.

Apart from the not driving (which is an ongoing issue for another thread), he is really helpful and hands on. He already does half if not more of the cooking and housework, gets up with the kids to give me a lie in when I’ve been up in the night (although obviously this won’t apply when I’m having to get up for work) and we have already agreed that he will have to help me get them ready in the mornings even if I’m the one who has to drop them off. He has put aside annual leave already (he can take it at short notice) so that he can be the one to stay off with them if they are ill, but this obviously will be limited and collecting them part way through the day would be an issue.

When I went back after my first child, he made sure dinner was ready when I got back from work on the three days and he will do so again this time, unless he’s called into work.

He is off at weekends so able to have the kids then if I have work to catch up on (or sleep!!), but really I want to be spending my weekends with him and the children, not working and not getting paid for it…..one of the reasons I would leave teaching if I could…I’m already on the fb group about exiting the classroom but at the moment we can’t take a hit in salary if I was to leave teaching. Also we would then have the issue further down the line of what to do with the kids in the school holidays, as like I said we don’t have any family nearby to help with childcare.

The baby not sleeping is the biggest issue currently. He used to take a bottle so DH could help in the night, but started refusing it at 5 months and now will only settle back down if I breastfeed him, so it all falls on me.

Sorry for the long post but lots to reply to!

Budget some money for taxis. If one needs picked up ill from nursery wfh DH should pick up and take home. Is it too far to walk then taxi back? This is the practical option

And he needs to learn to drive. There is a risk that this builds resentment which will likely only get worse as you dc get older and have more places to go (between my 2dc we had different activities every night at one point). Resentment is a relationship killer.

I feel your pain OP - currently pregnant with my 2nd and already nervous about what teaching 3 days a week will be like with two little ones. You’ve had some really great tips on here, plus don’t be afraid to speak up if you can’t get things done by deadlines or need more time to get marking etc done. It’s not sustainable to have to work in the evening after a whole day of teaching plus dinner, bath, bed, especially on minimal sleep - you’ll be exhausted. Try to take care of yourself, set firm boundaries and if it still feels too much after 3 months back perhaps look at other career options. Some places other than schools offer term time online contracts.

Tackle the biggest issue first because it will make you feel so much better if you can sort it. Sleep train the baby or at least night wean because they absolutely don’t need to be feeding every 1-2 hours at that age.

It will be hard but stick to your guns and it will be worth it.

You’re using all your funded hours at nursery for work but you can pay for more. My ds is 11 and there were only 15hrs for age3+ available then. Funded childcare is a relatively new thing. For your sake please budget for a few days to yourself each half term and holiday. Book in now for 2/3 dates nursery in feb half term and 2 days a week at Easter. Knowing you have those catch up days will be good for you and your children won’t know any different that it’s not term time, in fact they’ll probably be better keeping to their nursery routine.

Absolutely sort out the baby's sleep as a matter of priority (start tonight!). You've done 12 months feeding on demand through the night, so I really would take the chance to night wean before you return to work. Everything is harder when you're sleep deprived and a child that age doesn't need food at night. Your need for sleep is valid and important, so send DH in to the baby during the night to resettle any other way possible without food, and see if that's enough to encourage better sleep. If not, consider sleep training for your own health. You say baby won't settle for your DH, but it's time they learnt as it isn't fair or healthy for only one parent to be able to comfort a child at night - the baby might not like it, but presumably they have a bond with their father, so any distress in his presence during night time resettles needs to be put in the context of your child expressing a preference and not life or death requirements. It might be hard, but I don't see how you can reasonably be expected to survive returning to work without changing something