Am I silly to feel insulted and upset? Opinions please...

[velveteen]

I mentioned to a friend earlier that I couldn't wait to meet her new nephew. My friend sort of did a half laugh and said, 'well X (mother of said new baby) is a bit unsure of you visiting. She's got a name for you - she calls you Earth Mother.'
My friend then went on to explain that because I had a did a hypno birth course when pregnant, had a home birth, still breast feed 12 month old DD, use reusable nappies etc, I am therefore an undesirable person to visit her new baby.

I feel quite upset. I do what I want to regarding bringing up my baby, but I have NEVER enforced views on anybody else. The exact opposite in fact as I find myself defending things I don't even agree with at all, in case I am deemed 'preachy' or 'smug'. (A bit wet I know!)

Sorry if this seems a bit silly, but I am just cross.

Rant over.

oh dear perhaps try to just have a rant on here and put it behind you
she does sound jealous, really
and we can't help feeling that way sometimes
she has let her mouth run away with her but perhaps you can turn the other cheek, if worth continuing the friendship?
or you could bring up as a discussion eg "I was thinking about what you said about X, and it did bother me - do you think people generally see me as a bit smug then?"
hopefully will get it out into the open
but may open a can of worms

I might have to do some 'fazing out' I think!

ooh - F&Z you are very diplomatic. Maybe it is worth having the conversation to see if I am seen as smug. I'm interested now.

Velveteen

do the friend and her SIL have other kids, I mean apart from SIL having new baby? Cos if not, and if these comments were made before the SIL had a baby, its easy for people without kids to think that those with kids are always banging on about mumsy stuff, always have their boobs hanging out. But then when they have kids themselves they sort of realise that, yes, it is your whole life and you do become a bit of a mothering type caricature. Not that you are but you know what I mean, its inevitable a bit, but its hardly that youve sat down and said, right, what sort of person do I want to be, ok I want to spend all my time pureeing foods and whenever Im out Id like to have a wriggling toddler on my lap biting my titty....And so if that is the case, well the SIL will be fiding out right now how it all is.....

I think I would feel upset too. Its quite bitchy. In 'dont sweat the small stuff' the author suggest dealing with criticsim by letting yourself agree with it, so then you (apparently) dont feel hurt by it. So you could try that, it sounds like a compliiment in lots of ways really, I have utmost respect to you for using washable nappies, I always meant to but since had DD I feel like it would be the straw that broke the camels back! Most people would respect you for your allegedly earth mothering ways!

No way should you waste your money buying the bitch a present though!

what a horrid thing to say!and why bother!silly person!you sound like a lovely person.i try to parent as i feel is right for myself and my family and if someone doesnt like it then who cares.but i would be a bit upset if someone was so rude like your 'friend' has been!

well I don;t think by asking that question that your friend will give you a balanced answer about whether you are seen as smug or not - but I think she will tell you whether SHE thinks you are smug

Daydream - Thanks for your post. No, the friend herself does not have any children yet - I know she is very keen too soon though, and it is her SIL's first also. To be honest she has always made me feel a little uncomfortable about things I do, and as a result I have always down-played 'earth motherly' things I do, so she has less to sneer at! I think that's a good idea about trying to deal with the criticism positively though and will try to do it.

Cheesesarnie - exactly! What bothers me most is that I am so respectful of others ways of parenting... why do people think they have the right to be so mean about things like breastfeeding and reusable nappies, when if I slated her disposables and formula (which I would never dream of doing as that is HER CHOICE) I would be a terrible person. But it's okay the other way round...

Ignore them, I used to get this from someone, they were just jealous and bitchy. They were also petty.
They are being ridiculous, perhaps they think you will try to serve them placenta stew or something?
Do they read the Daily Mail?
Some people can't cope with other people beign confident and happy within themselves, it upsets them as they don't understand it.
Feel sorry for them.

I think you have been treated rudely by your friend. But I know that new parents can easily feel inadequate or guilty or intimidated by those who appear to be more capable or more caring than themselves. That's not your fault at all. I would suggest being patient with these people, one of whom doesn't have kids so doesn't understand and the other who is just starting out.

Could she have meant that you sound like the perfect mother so she feels inadequate in comparison? It could have come across wrongly?...

Poor you, that was tactless of your friend. One of my friends called me an earth mother (but in a nicer way) and I thought it was a compliment. Good on you.

I think you have to cut the new mother a lot of slack- she is probably feeling hormonal and insecure and afraid of being judged. She may have said something perfectly innocent, just being a bit nervous about her own ability to cope.

It's your friend who's behaved badly. She had no business reporting this- and tbh you have no idea of how accurately she has reported it either.

Buy her a bottle of vodka and a copy of the Strictest Parenting Book You Can Find.

That'll throw her.

It really has been so helpful posting on here. Everyones responses have been so helpful and for once I have sort of been able to just mull it over without moaning to everyone around me. Mumsnet is great!
So I think that just letting it go is the way forward. Cory - I know what you mean about new mums feeling insecure and like their being judged - I felt just the same, and can understand her comment. I can't understand why my friend told me... but I will let it go this time. Perhaps not if she does it again.
Anyway - thanks everyone!