Screaming during the happy birthday song

[GingersnapBiscuit]

My daughter is 4. Recently we have begun to wonder if she may be neurodivergent - she is mostly very outgoing, happy and chatty, certainly hitting all her milestones but is also scared of hand driers, very fixated on certain types of noises (alarms, beeps), sometimes speaks at unrelated tangents and her eye contact isn’t always great.

Today at a birthday party she absolutely lost it while everyone sang happy birthday and started screaming hysterically - I had to take her out. She has had similar reactions in related situations, e.g. at a large family gathering when everyone laughed in response to a speech. But she also went to birthday parties a few months ago and didn’t get upset. We have several other birthday parties coming up and I just want to do what’s best for her. Anyone else whose child might be neurodiverse (and I realise that’s pretty broad and we don’t even know for sure if she is!) how have you helped your child in these kinds of situations?

I really don’t have much experience in neurodivergence but a friends little boy who was diagnosed autistic at 3 would also scream hysterically at the happy birthday song. Sorry I don’t have any advice but I know she had to speak to the school etc to let them know he found the song really upsetting.

My DS was like this. He's 5 now and still doesn't love it but he's got better - partly as he's been to more birthday parties now. He's NT as far as we know, he just doesn't tend to like those kind of group noises. Actually, I think the thing that's helped him the most is singing by hymns in assembly at school and things like nativity plays where they've had to learn group songs as a class. He's definitely got more used to it.

That was one of the first signs with my DD. Could be, might just be an off day.

I think a chat with GP/school should be your first port of call, OP, noise sensitivity is very common in ND children. I'm a SENDCo (secondary) and lots of parents are only just coming to terms with the probability that their child is ASD/ADHD, despite these signs being present throughout primary school. Best get ahead of any issues that might transpire.

Speaking at unrelated tangents is very normal for young children, and you describe her eye contact as not "always" bring great, again sounds normal. Being upset by loud noises/lots of commotion like a large group of people suddenly belting out a song also doesn't sound unusual to me. My children were/are very noise sensitive as young children. My eldest is 6 now and has pretty much grown out of it now gradually. My 3yo is similar to how eldest was at 3, we have to take ear defenders to birthday parties and other big events etc.

Is it because Happy Birthday is really difficult to sing (massive jump in the 3rd line) and people fuck it up most of the time? Also often in a big group people start of different notes and the whole thing is just a pig’s ear from the start?
I’m not a neurodivergent 4 year old but she has my sympathy if if wasn’t a particularly in tune rendition. I often don’t sing Happy Birthday when others are singing it because if there’s multiple different starting notes at once I have no desire to add to the cacophony. I’ll probably involuntarily cringe when they all miss the jump too.
Very occasionally I come across a group where they can all sing and manage happy birthday without making me want to run out the room. That’s always a pleasant surprise.

It sounds quite normal for this age but something to keep an eye on. A lot of kids hate happy birthday being sung to them. My niece used to hate it and so we just didn’t bother for a few years. She’s 9 now and fine with it as long as it’s only a few friends or family. She is NT

I have zero experience- but if she is struggling with noise, could noise cancelling head phones help? Doesn't matter if she has a diagnosis or not, if she gets overwhelmed by certain sounds and headphones help her cope then she can still use them.

It’s certainly a vaguely frightening dirge, as sung at the average birthday party. I wouldn’t necessarily see it as a sign of neurodiversity if a young child suddenly gets scared when all the adults start making the same loud, strange noise in chorus? I know as a five year old (I remember it quite well, plus it’s family legend) I used to scream in total terror at the ‘Black Beauty’ theme tune. It was once played as background muzak at a hotel lunch, and I went hysterical and had to be carried out to the car park. An ad for laundry detergent had the same effect.

My DD has DS and is very sensitive to certain sounds. We use ear defenders which work very well. Her pediatrician has said she doesn't have autism but she has many autistic traits.

Op, was it her birthday, or someone else's? It's unclear in the op

I’m imagining your parents’ dawning horror and desperate eye contact round the hotel lunch table as they realised what the piped music was

Thanks all - for clarity, it was another child’s birthday party. She attended another today (I wasn’t there) and apparently sang along to happy birthday this time around (and made a point of telling me she did).

It wasn’t an isolated incident, e.g. at her recent school nativity she was singing and dancing happily up until people starting applauding after the songs, at which point I could see her becoming increasingly upset. She definitely has sensitivities around ‘group’ noises like applause, everyone laughing at something etc. in a way I just haven’t observed with her peers.

You've pretty much described 4 year old ds, who's been flagged by school as potentially having asd/adhd(cries at happy birthday song, weirdly tuned in to alarms/beeps, obsessed/terrified by hand dryers, I could go on...)

Not sure what the answer is, but you have my sympathy! We managed to get through a birthday party yesterday with him just covering his ears as the cake came out, so perhaps exposure (and a lot of reassurance) helps?

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My grandson will be 5 at Christmas and is autistic, and he used to hate the HB song. We figured out it was the 'Yayyyy' and clapping at the end he hated most though, so toned it down a bit and now he seems okay. Funnily enough, recently he seems a bit better when this DOESN'T happen as well though, such as when he goes to friend's parties, so maybe he's growing out of it?
I'd get it checked out, nothing to lose

I work with autistic adults and many of them find the happy birthday song difficult. We give them the option to leave the room if it’s happening, but it’s perhaps more difficult with a very young child,