I’m not waking up to baby crying

[Loonaandalf]

Hi,
I’m feeling like there’s something wrong with me. I have a two week old, the first few nights with her at home I was so hyper vigilant that I couldn’t get to sleep at all and if I did doze off, I’d jump up in a fright and check on her. However, for the last week I’ve been going into a deep sleep the way I was before and two nights in a row I haven’t heard her crying in her crib which is right beside my side of the bed, dh has had to wake me (he’s an extremely light sleeper) it’s more whimpering than distress crying tbf but I’m worried that I won’t hear her if she’s getting sick or breathing funny. Isn’t the whole point of baby sleeping in the same room that you’ll hear them and respond straight away if they need you? Is there a way to train yourself to be a light sleeper? I can’t even say I’m extremely exhausted so there’s no excuse, baby sleeps plenty and I get to nap during the day.

Why is your h waking you? If you’re breastfeeding can you pump so that he can deal with it and let you sleep?

I once slept through a fire alarm so definitely the wrong person to ask 🤣🤣

it sounds like she was just making baby noises and was not in pain or needing anything. if she was in agony you would know it.

It sounds like she’s not actually crying. Why is DH waking you? If he’s awake, he could deal with her unless she needs breastfeeding.

Your H is being a dick.
Babies whimper and make noise when they are asleep. If baby was stressed that's different.
Why did he wake you? Why didn't he simply deal with the baby?

i guess dh figured she’s only stirring because she needs feeding and I’m breastfeeding but I’ll tell him he needs to go get her as soon as he hears her, I really want her to be responded to when she needs us unless there’s a good reason not to.

Newborns can be very noisy sleepers so it is an advantage to be able to sleep through it - I always felt hyper vigilant with mine and developed insomnia. If they are just whimpering in their sleep they might not feeding - depends on how long they are going between feeds and if they are gaining weight well. We had to set alarms to feed our DD for the first few weeks as she wasn’t waking for feeds but it settled down after that and she would make it clear when she was hungry.

It doesn't sound as if you are missing any serious distress - just that your DH is particularly sensitive to baby sounds at the moment.

I don't think you can become a light sleeper but getting enough sleep would help. Could your DH can help your baby without waking you sometimes?

Perhaps you baby is actually asking for your DH? :)
My own parents (musicians) always believed that, quite early in their lives, babies call the parent they want at the time. (They had a good number of us to observe and many many neices/nephews.)

They pointed out the way that very new babies try out various notes in their cry (an ascending scale of alarm) - and then stick to the one that brings you running to them. Other people are not always woken by the cry new babies give - as it isn't always loud but really really seems so if you are the one being called :)

This sounds like efficient use of calories for the baby - and better for the tribes we lived in originally. Nature can be clever like that.

He should wait for a proper cry until he wakes you. She’s stirring because she’s a baby. He might be actually waking the baby up himself when he picks her up.
I used to wake up when the baby had apneas. I think there is a part of your brain that’s paying attention.

My newborn dd made snoring, snuffly noises, wriggled, generally not a good sleeper. You want to leave the baby to settle herself as far as possible, don’t train her you’ll go to her every time she makes a noise!

Tell dh if the baby wakes him up he can turn over and go back to sleep unless she’s actively crying

She doesn't need you... She'd let you know if she was hungry!
My DD was a snorer and a very noisy bedroom companion.
The point of sharing a room though is that your breathing helps their breathing, rather than you coming running at every tiny noise.

It sounds like you DD is stirring not crying so there really is no need to get her right away. I would always leave me DCs to stir a bit before jumping up to get them. Sometimes they would go back to sleep - just like we stir a bit in the night. Leaving her a bit doesnt mean you aren't responding to her right away....you are evaluating the situation before jumping to the I must feed her situation. Sometimes I might be a bit of wind that stirs them, or a noise.

It sounds like you are exhausted and she isn't fully crying. Tell him to leave her till she is actually crying, babies wake due to sleep cycles but can go back to sleep. As he is a light sleeper he will hear if she is in distress or bring sick....as you likely would too. Trust your body it will be very in tune with your baby.

This is so interesting, maybe she did want DH. She normally wakes up for feeding though, we haven’t found she’s been waking for comfort much. She was definitely awake though, not noisy sleeping, she does that too but the sounds are different.

I have been trying to hand express so dh can do a bottle but I don’t get much when I try it. One day I expressed 60mls and that wasn’t even enough for her.

It's absolutely fine for a baby to whimper a bit, that's how they learn to self settle. Your DH is a bit of a numpty for waking you tbh. If he's that much of a light sleeper he needs some earplugs!

My DH was extremely sensitive to baby noise and would wake at every little gurgle or murmur even when the baby was just making normal little coos. He was also quite anxious and overtired because of it. Baby was exclusively bf, couldn't get on with pumping, so would wake me.

In the end, I moved him into the spare room. He slept much better and could take the baby in the morning so I could have a lie in. Very hands on dad. I was able to sleep through the little noises, maybe it was more instinctual? I always woke for proper crying and once the baby had a mini seizure and did have a change in breathing, I woke up immediately.

We are more attuned than you think. Months of the baby wiggling around in there mean you can sleep through a lot but you won't when it matters.

Honestly, if you're not waking to her I'd suspect she's not needing a feed - if she really needed fed, she would let you know and you'd wake!

Gently, responding to her every slight sound isn't necessary.

I had this. I just wasn't waking up initially (and it wasn't exhaustion as we were sharing feeding and I wasn't tired).

I'd wake in the morning amazed at how well my newborn had slept until my husband told me that he'd fed her several times etc. She was in a next to me crib right next to me!

What I did was I slept downstairs with her for a few nights with me in the sofa and her in her moses basket. The new environment and crucially, my husband not being there snapped my brain into being aware of her. After 3 nights of that, we came back upstairs and all was fine.

As we shared feeds we would split the night and we'd literally swap bed sides in the night. Amazingly our brains adjusted so we only woke when we were the baby's side of the bed. It was like our brains knew when we were on/off duty.

I think people assume that because you're the mum, your brain will automatically be on alert (and more so than dads). That's not true of everyone though and my brain needed help to get there initially. Having bottle fed one and breast fed the other, I didn't notice a difference with how quickly I became alert.

Ps: responding quickly is good, but go for a wee first! Firstly because it gives them a small opportunity for resettling themselves and secondly so you don't get stuck desperate for a wee during a feed 😂

One of the best bits of advice my mum gave me was to give it a minute or two when the baby wakes up, and just listen to what they are doing. I woke up a lot when DC's were tiny, as they were both noisy sleepers. I was scooping them up to feed the first second I woke, and I was on my knees exhausted. Mum (4 kids, 11 grandkids) told me to just give it a minute or two, and listen, and see if they're waking up or just settling down again. I was surprised at how often they would wake a bit, shuffle around, grumble a bit, and go back to sleep. That minute or two was enough to know whether they really needed feeding or not, without them getting so worked up that they would need a lot of calming down before they could feed easily.

My baby was so loud when he was a new born. It sounded like a warthog in the basket next to my bed lol.

I am light sleeper so I wake at any sound coming from my baby's room (he is now in his own room) but my husband on the other hand only wakes when he cries out if he needs something (feed or changed) and I am sure you will too, don't be too hard on yourself and enjoy your precious wee bundle.

I can sleep through a fire alarm, fortunately for everyone's safety I haven't had to care for a baby 🤣. Although a vomiting pet wakes me instantly so it's all in the motivation I suppose....

Can you put the baby on his side of the bed, he can be the one to check on her and tet and re settle her, and if she needs feeding he can pass her to you?
Him waking up, lying in bed and poking you awake like you are falling down on your job would wind me right up tbh.

Night feeding is the main way to maintain supply. Unless OP has oversupply issues (in which case sleeping too long at night will likely lead to mastitis) then trying to pump in the day then not feeding when baby wakes at night is just going to lead to a fussy baby struggling to get enough in the day, a supply drop and waking uncomfortably engorged.

It is interesting to think about how often we adults mumble/whimper/turn-over during the night.

We don't need food or drink - we just move. Babies are smaller - and do need feeding more often than we do but they are little versions of us and likely to dream and move even when not hungry.

At 2 weeks pp she'd have to wake in the night to pump to maintain supply and stop herself getting engorged. It's also not advised to be pumping at 2 weeks pp.

It's not as easy as pump and leave milk.

Babies make noises! You will hear when she needs you. Tell him not to wake you x

Thanks everyone, feeling slightly better about myself. DH has said he will check to see if she’d actually awake before waking me and will only do so if she’s showing feeding signs.