Ex is difficult when looking after DC

[Mummaonherown]

Need some advice.
My ex is extremely difficult, I have recently allowed our DS 1 night stay over every fortnight with my ex at his grandmothers house, I don't have a relationship with her, she has lied to me in the past about incidents with my son (when my ex was looking after him) to protect herself (we don't speak anymore)
I have asked my ex not to leave him with her on his own, he has disregarded this, and gone to the gym leaving them together, whilst I don't think he is in any physical harm he has completely gone against my wishes
I have asked them both to ensure my son has a hat and scarf on when going outside, due to the cold weather both of them have ignored my emails/calls/text - every time I speak to him I'm told I'm 'a pest' and 'what do I want' 'get off the phone'
I know this sounds silly but I can only see this getting worse as time goes on and I'm hoping for some advice to help before it gets any worse.
How should I handle this?

The hat and scarf thing doesn't need communicated, it's basic parenting.
Is there court ordered contact arrangements in place?
Neither of you have any say in how the other parents when they have the child.

Would you want the man calling and texting you while you're parenting, checking you're doing basic things?
If you have real safeguarding concerns you can go to court.

Too hard to comment based on the info. Does ex’s mother do things that would entail social services or a court dictating no visit? Or, is it just ways different to yours? That really determines whether your ex could leave your son with her when it’s his time or not.

As to the hat/scarf, that’s nothing really. I wouldn’t tolerate it if the other parent rang me constantly on my time to talk about stuff like this. DH and I tag teamed with ours when they were young due to working opposite days/shifts, and sometimes when I’d see a photo I’d think ‘inappropriate clothes for weather’ or ‘inappropriate clothes for location’ etc. But I would keep quiet as that stuff isn’t actually harmful and he needed to learn from his own mistakes. No doubt he thought some stuff I did was weird but similarly, wouldn’t say anything to me. It’s not like we had any conversations agreeing on use of hats and scarves etc.

He doesn't parent at all, I'm in the process of going through mediation (which is is refusing as he says we don't need it) I cannot be stressed with court at the moment due to other issues in my life (in the process of being made homeless section 21)
He never wanted our son really, he used to go 'missing' when we were together and now he will go days without making contact (he will have bouts of being really good being in contact every day then just stop)
He knows I will provide everything for our son so he doesn't bother to ask or wonder what I'm doing or how I parent (we aren't on the same page)
It might be basic parenting but I'm sure he will return our son without a set.

If you deem him safe enough to have unsupervised contact, then you need to let him parent - sorry. And you can't control who he spends time with when he's parenting if you let him have unsupervised access, sorry again.

If you don't think your child is safe with him, then you need to stop the contact and let him take you to court.

Why would he need to contact you every day?

Use a parenting app to communicate with him when needed. That way it's all recorded, and no need to text or call.

I do think you sound very intense sorry.

Reading your update - why does he need to contact you every day and why is that "good" in your eyes?

I never contacted my ex when the kids were with him - I left him to parent. If you don't think your ex is parenting adequately, then you need to stop the contact.

Very many young kids don't want to keep a hat/scarf/gloves on, for example.

Sorry, but you're being OTT.

You can't dictate who looks after your son on his Dad's time, unless you have serious safeguarding concerns.

The hat and scarf thing is ridiculous. I'm sure if your son is cold he will wear a hat and scarf.

Why are you expecting daily contact? You're not a couple and he doesn't need constant communication from you unless there's an issue with his child. You seem to think this is your child and you "allow" his Dad contact. That's not how it works. He's got the exact same rights as you.

She has done things that are questionable with her own son, he was first arrested at 11 and then went into a spiral of crime (petty) they are both verbally abusive to each other, she has previously called the police on him accusing him of hitting her, he denies this she refused to tell me the truth he was NFA'd from this due to no evidence, this was 3 years ago, my son had no real contact with her at this point.

Hopefully he uses common sense and provides him with a hat and scarf to come home with (1.5 hour journey on public transport) grandmother refuses to drive him due to the distance which is fair enough her choice.
It's a drop in the ocean I know but it's really hard to summarise without it being a 9 page essay

It's not for the grandmother to facilitate contact! You're unreasonable on that alone.

Whatever is going on between her and her own son is honestly none of your business, unless your child is in the house at the time of any altercations.

He never wanted our son really, he used to go 'missing' when we were together
That’s got nothing at all to do with the current situation. No court on earth would care about this. It’s about his relationship with his son now only. You can’t bring old baggage into this.

and now he will go days without making contact (he will have bouts of being really good being in contact every day then just stop)
Why on earth would he be in contact every day if he is an ex? That’s not necessary for separated parents. If he has an assigned day, does he take his child on that day? That’s the only contact he needs to have. Otherwise, it would be nice if he had other set days/times to FaceTime his son, without having to talk to you, but it’s not mandatory.

He knows I will provide everything for our son so he doesn't bother to ask or wonder what I'm doing or how I parent (we aren't on the same page)
It might be basic parenting but I'm sure he will return our son without a set

Are you claiming money? Is this forthcoming if you are claiming it via official channel? Any voluntary agreement you are on a hiding to nowhere.
Why on earth would he wonder what you are doing? He is an ex. He is showing appropriate boundaries. Similarly, as long as he can parent in a way that social services/a court will have no issue with then he has no need or obligation to have any conversations with you about how you parent, and has no need or obligation to be on the same page. Kids are very adept at knowing things are done differently in different households. Or, even by different people. DH and I had completely different parenting styles and didn’t do much the same way. Kids accept this just fine. We very rarely crossed over at the same time either the kids when kids were awake due to work patterns, so they mainly experienced us singularly, never really together. We really didn’t make any ‘agreements’ either. We were both functioning adults so just left each other to it.

Edited to add- understand you have pressures with current situation. However, if you truely believe your son is in danger with their father, then you NEED to go to court to get visitation stopped or maybe supervised at a contact centre. You will need to have good cause though, there won’t be much interest in a hats/scarves drama.

None of this is a reasonable reason why your son can't stay with her for a couple of hours whilst DH is at the gym. I highly doubt she's going to turn him into a criminal in that space of time, and you have no real idea of what went on in DH's childhood that led to that. You just don't like her.

Loads of kids won't wear a hat and scarf. He's not going to die of hypothermia. It's not even that cold this year. What exactly is your worry about whether he wears a hat and scarf?

You need to step back, it's hard and it's shit but if he is safe enough to have him then that's that. He can delegate his parenting to another adult in his time if he wants, you can have a 'right to first refusal' put in a contact order, he can decide not to put a hat and gloves on, it's a crappy decision but one he is free to make.

You should stop providing everything for DS, send him in a warm coat and gloves attached through the arms with mitten clips. Any clothes you send him in should be cheap or second hand and something you don't mind losing if it isn't returned.

Don't send him with a pushchair or anything else, give him notice that at the end of the month he will be providing everything.

Stop contacting them on his days and start using a parenting app. He doesn't need to be in contact everyday, you just need to know what day and time he is picking him up which should be set beforehand and whether he is able to make that day and time. You need to tell him of any medication DC is on and any non-routine medical treatment he is given or being investigated for if it's something more serious. Thats it you don't need to be giving or receiving daily updates that's insane, you are not a couple.

Stop sending your DS. Let your ex sort out contact through the court - see if he can make the effort.

@BeeCucumber the child has a right to a relationship with each of the parents. Equally the father could do what you've suggested.
There's nothing in OPs posts to indicate that the kid is at risk, what reason would OP have to prevent the child having a relationship with the father?
Being a disinterested parent isn't enough to remove the child.

I get you want to manage how your son is looked after at his dads. You have your son's best interests at heart, but you can't. Basically how he parents and who he spends time with or who babysits your child is his choice. As the dad he has equal rights to you .

Obviously if your son is at risk of harm or being abused in some way then you would need to stop visits, inform social service and your ex would need to go to court. But nothing you said is a safeguarding concern

you post reads you are very controlling .

if you live in the uk. - hat and scarf are not an issue .

he doesn’t need to contact every day .

i think you need him space to become the dad he plans to be .. if he isn’t bothered about contact he will work it out .

if he isn’t he will fade away ..

one mistake I I made with my ex was thinking he would listen to my opinion .

how old is your dc in this situation ?

Re the hat and scarf buy a cheap one from primark if he doesn't provide one

@Mummaonherown respectfully you need to separate what you are going through personally and your relationship with your ex. He shouldn't be contacting you every day and I personally would find that suffocating.

When my ex and I split I was in hospital for a while and he brought them to see me in pyjamas. When they left I cried with frustration. But.... they love him and now they are adults they still love him and have a fantastic relationship with him. I am the more stable practical one and he is the silly not always sensible one. You have to let things go and switch off.

Take a deep breath and let them enjoy their time away and don't grill him. He might step up a bit more if you aren't breathing down his neck every five minutes.

I never asked him to call everyday, he was the one who said he wants to speak to his son, I told him set days he could call or I'll call him, he wouldn't answer the call or call back so I left it.
He would tell our son he was coming on certain days, then just not turn up, I again tried to call but his phone was off or he didn't answer again I just left it.
He refuses to use the parenting app so I used a friend as a go-between he refused to use them as well, stating he would only communicate with me directly but then not communicate or be difficult so that's when I approached mediation as I wanted to get it all sorted.
One incident happened when my son was there, I had just left him and within 30 mins I was called to go back and collect as a massive arguement had happened between him and his mother. I asked what happened I never got the real truth from it.

Don't chase.
If he rings let him chat.
If he wants to bring him home half an hour after he has been dropped off let him.
Your son will get to a certain age he will vote with his feet or have a preference so let it flow.
See what happens with mediation.
You can't force him to be a better father though.... I did learn that the hard way.

Ultimately he is in charge of parenting in his own time. Unless there are signs of neglect or abuse you don't have the right to demand anything of him during his time unfortunately.

I get you have your DS best interests in mind but if you are allowing you ex unsupervised time with him (as rightly he should have unless there are reasons why he shouldn't) then you need to let him parent how he wishes. You can not control your ex's time.
If however you feel your ex can not parent properly you need to get a court ordered agreement in place.

Stop texting/calling on your ex's time unless it is an emergency or agreed contact time with your child

Good on you going for mediation. If he refuses to use the parenting app, you refuse to use any other means. And refuse to allow him to have your son if he won't.

I don't call when he has our son, he calls me maybe once in the 24 hours he has him I speak with my son for a bit then he goes off playing. He might text saying "what should I give him for dinner" (he doesn't really know what he eats, doesn't have the pre school app on his phone so doesn't see his favourite meals at pre school which is what I use to base most of meals on as I know he will eat it)
I don't chase anymore as I know it doesn't help me, I leave alone.
I contacted today because I know he wouldn't buy him a hat or scarf and it's -3 out there, I just wanted my son not to be cold on the way home.
I've taken everyone's advice on board and hopefully he will respond to mediation