How would you feel about this?

[KindRobin]

Hi all,
Im suffering a lot of anxiety and insomnia at the moment as a result of my BFs current situation and really need some third party thoughts.

For context, we've known each other 2 years and were both married when we met. Both marriages were failing, we were both miserable (Id been sleeping on the sofa for over a year and my husband and I were more like housemates). 5 months ago we admitted to each other that we were in love and that we wanted to be together. We left our marriages and got our own places. We are long distance (3 hours apart) but it works fine as we both adjust to living alone etc. We both have 2 children. Mine are 10 and 12. His are 6 and 2. We both co parent 50/50 with our exes.

So heres my problem. His ex is due to have surgery (large ovarian cyst removal and fallopian tubes). Obviously she will need recovery time and so he will take over childcare full time. She refuses to let him have their kids at his place as its only a 1 bed flat so hes going to have to practically move back into the house once shes had surgery, sleeping on the sofa. I completley understand the children come first but at his own admission, he can be a push over, and I feel really uncomfortable at the idea that he might have to care for her too during the day when the kids are at school/nursery. Ive told him I would find it innapropriate and hes expressed that he absolutely does NOT want to have to do that but she has noone else except her Mum, who hates him and so couldnt be under the same roof.

Am I being selfish or is this a valid concern?

Obviously while hes there we wont get to Facetime or even speak on the phone properly which is a horrible prospect as Im currently suffering panic attacks and often need his support, but I understand that would be awkward for him as their seperation is so recent. She does know about me and theyve agreed to sell the house in Feb and shes moving away with the children.

I dont want to come across as jealous or paranoid but Im sure I cant be the only person that would feel weird about this. In reality I suppose she could be up and about after a week but then no heavy lifting would mean she couldnt pick up the 2 year old I guess? Which would mean he would need to stay until shes fully recovered?

Im going out of my mind with the anxiety.

To be honest you're both selfish whilst also having valid concerns. Of course it's valid to be concerned, you have settled for someone who is prepared to cheat on his wife and leave her and his children, he's not exactly a paragon of virtue. If you trusted him, why would you have an issue with him caring for her whilst she is recovering?

i think it’s nice that he will help her, I’d hate to think if it were me I would be left struggling alone. It will also greatly prolong her recovery time if she does begin lifting etc before she should, which will impact him for longer. I think you’re being a it selfish to be honest. They have children together who need to be cared for, and that includes ensuring their mother is well. Don’t you trust him?

He's doing the right thing by helping her. I can understand you having some concerns but what can you do? You have to trust him.

i thought it all sounded reasonable from his side - until you said he can’t phone you during that time? Why can’t he pop out for a walk and give you a call? that bit is very strange.

other than that, he should be helping his children and doing whatever makes life easier for them.

I think it’s a nice thing he’s doing, but why haven’t they both been housed similarly as he has them 50%? And if his flat is ok for his 50%, why isn’t it ok when she’s had surgery? Something smells fishy

Also, the age of his children is interesting. I was posting on another thread about why men leave their wives with children about one of my best friends who left his wife in what seems such similar circumstances to your own that if it wasn't for the numbers of children, I would have thought that you could be his new girlfriend (although they moved in together almost immediately). His children are of a similar age to your partner's and it's become very clear from discussing with my friend that actually there wasn't a whole lot wrong in his marriage other than that he wasn't receiving the same level of attention as he used to from his wife, who was now raising 3 young children and pouring all her efforts and attention into them. Then came along another women who was also having marriage issues (although hers seemed genuine and more serious) and suddenly he's getting the attention he's been craving so he leaves his marriage to get more of it, whilst telling everyone, possibly even himself, that he and his wife were just like housemates despite her being absolutely blindsided because to her they weren't, they were still being intimate and a couple in her eyes, he just wasn't getting all her focus and attention anymore. Im sorry but your anxiety comes from a real place because you know yourself who he is on the basis of how you got together.

Thanks for the replies. I dont think I gave enough insight. I do see that its a good thing for him to do. I worry for his mental wellbeing to be honest as hes suffering with depression and she has been known to call him awful names while they were married and has hit him several times. He says hes just going to get his head down and crack on with it, I just hope it doesnt become a hostile, awkward environment as he can go into himself sometimes and I worry for him. He has taken his girls to his flat and they have both said theyd be excited for a sleepover there but hes not the type to push for his rights. He will just go with whatever his ex wants I think.

Im not sure what you mean by housed? His ex has stayed in the family home with the children. They live in an expensive town so he can only afford to rent a 1 bed flat as its still paying 70% towards thw house mortgage and bills.

When divorcing it’s usual for both parents to be given enough of the financial split to house them similarly as they are having the kids 50%. Are they actually divorced?

Oh he can do that and will I'm sure I just mean we cant casually pick up the phone whenever we like as normal and I wont be able to call him if Im having severe anxiety.
We will message each other and do what we can to stay connected but it wont be the same thats all I meant.

If it's any comfort OP, I've had a similar operation and trust me, she won't be feeling up to bedside chats or arguing, and certainly nothing more intimate. I felt like I'd been beaten with a pole, and it took me four days to do anything more than walk to the loo.

Not yet. They seperated in October. The house goes on the market in Feb. She will continue to live there until its sold then they will split the finances and divorce.

Sorry to hear youve had similar. I do put myself in her shoes and I know Id want my childrens father to support me with childcare while recovering, I guess if it were me though I wouldnt want my ex waiting on me...I wouldnt want him in the room I'd want my mum or a friend but maybe she feels that way too.

Did you have anxiety before you got together? This situation doesn’t appear to be helping.

You said 5 months ago you admitted your feelings for each other but they didnt separate until October? So, it's only been done with his wife for two months?

I think he needs to move back in otherwise it's unsafe for her to look after such small children & surely it's better they are in their own home with all their clothes & bed & toys? He's the one who moved out.

Do you think he might be getting tired of you calling him for long chats about your anxiety? So he is saying he can’t chat for long as a way of avoiding that side of things? I don't imagine he will have time if he's looking after a 2 year old....

I can’t see anything remotely romantic about her recovering from a major op - it's not like she will look her best.

Aside from the timings of the start of your relationship/the birth of his younger child, about which i have opinions which you won't like...

1. you cannot rely on one person to help you manage panic attacks. What do you do if you have one when he's at work? Or in the shower? Or without phone signal. You need some alternative coping strategies, preferably self-sufficient ones.

2. what kind of man would he be if he didn't do this? Think about the example he's setting his children.

Im currently suffering panic attacks and often need his support

This is what stood out to me - it sounds like you call him up & expect him to support you emotionally over the phone. This would exhaust me tbh. Were you like this before you got together with him?

How often do you see each other if you’re living 3 hours apart, and both have your kids 50%?

you choose your bed …..

You have two older children who’ve just had a massive upheaval with their parents splitting and their mum immediately getting a new partner. You need to set a good example and show that you are not obsessing over him and having panic attacks about the thought of him caring for this children and keep it together and focus on your older kids.
Let him go and regroup when his wife has recovered. It’s not ideal but it’s a complex situation and they’ve only v recently split with small kids- they need to be his priority, as yours should be yours.