Why did no one tell me the 2nd year is so much harder after DC2!?

[Mintone]

When I had DD, my DS was 3.5, it was a really lovely time. He was caring for her and well behaved, we thought life was going to be good and we were really enjoying the stage we were at.

Now - DS just turned 5. And DD is 18 months. I have found that since DD has been mobile and more of a kid (yet still very much a baby), DS has become impossible!!
He's totally obsessed with whatever she is doing, trying to boss her around, not letting her have something he has, he has to know exactly where she is the in the house at all times.

It's exhausting! I never realised when you have 2 kids that the older one, who IMO should be able to control himself more now he's 5, would make parenting sooooooo fucking hard work!
Christmas holidays have been awful to be honest. DH has gone back to work today and I've been dreading it.
Over Christmas we split them up as much as possible, so DH and I have barely had the time or energy to even chat to each other.
I'm fed up with parenting!! Anyone else?

My girls are 20 months and just turned 3. They can be so adorable together, lots of giggling, even when wrestling lol.

And this morning both woke up whilst I was deicing the car, I went up and for the first time both in the same room & eldest had got youngest out of her sleeping bag and they were having a great time. So cute.

But, oldest causes a lot of drama and tears for youngest. She'll push her over quite a lot, then say sorry. Youngest will play with something, so then 3yo will snatch it and want to play etc. Says "dd2 is sad.. it's funny" etc at times. It's so frustrating. Because they can be so lovely together other times.

Just posting in solidarity. I was hoping it'll be easier in another 6-12 months at 24 months & 3.5. Or at least 2.5 and nearly 4. Maybe not!

Solidarity.

Exactly the same age gap here, and the little one wants to do exactly what the big one is doing.

Which is great when it's age appropriate for them both! But if it's going up a massive climbing frame or playing with tiny bits of Lego, it's stressful for me and annoying for the 5 year old.

I've given up on managing it (other than encouraging the big one to play with her precious or little toys in her room). I think we just have to wait for them to get bigger...

I had a gap of 2yrs 8 months. It went in cycles. Sometimes they got on fine. Then one of them would have a developmental leap, or just get a bit older, and then we had 6 months or so when things really didn't work. Somehow, things would get back in sync for a few months, and then back again.
You just had to work through it.
Went on until they both hit their teens. Then you could blame hormones 😆

My friends have two boys with a 3.5 year age gap - and the "baby" has just turned 5yo. It's all comparative, as he's the baby of the two and isn't really expected to be able to control himself, it's his older brother who should know better, etc. There has certainly been a lot of riling each other up and sibling strife, one always wants what the other has, even now if the 5yo accidentally knocks something over the 8yo was playing with, the 8yo shouts at him for doing it and retaliates by throwing something of his. No matter how much you tell them, there's a lot of competitiveness. Sometimes they do play together nicely, but a lot of the time it devolves into wrestling or one ends up crying about something or stomps off sulking...

You need a joint sticker chart/pom pom jar. When either of them does anything at all nice/kind for the other one, they get a pom pom for the jar. When it's full, they both get a treat of your choosing (kinder eggs were serious currency for mine, or those over priced magazines if you're a higher earner 🤣🤣)

I also found that taking them out places that were a bit out of the older one's comfort zone worked well, because he'd use the little one as a bit of a comfort blanket, but he'd pretend he was "looking after her".

It really helps if you make sure that the younger one goes to bed "earlier". Even if the older one "stays up late" doing his school reading with you in his bed! It reinforces that he's a big boy.

Also, a 5yo is still pretty little. Like, he's big enough to control himself a lot of the time, but definitely not all the time, especially if he's recently started school.

My son was 3 when my daughter was born. They are now 7 and 10 and he is still an absolute nightmare towards her

My kids have gaps of 3 years, 3.25 and 3.5 years and always got on well

What I am really struggling with is the 5yo copying whatever 18 month old does, so if she empties the bathroom cupboard (it's a low one with nothing dangerous in there), he will sit with her and do it too. If she screams or shouts or has a tantrum he enjoys it and tells me he wants to be a baby too. It's like it gives him permission to be really immature which is what he wants to do. It's not a situation where the youngest wants to do what the oldest is doing but more round the other way! Not sure if that's normal.

I feel my bucket of sympathy, enthusiasm and niceness is empty. I am finding this very hard.

We have the same age gap. It only works because DH and I take one child each most of the time, and the eldest is in after school activities most days during term time, and DH gets home shortly after that as he has a quick commute. So I'm usually not having to manage both of them in my own. But we do weekend and holiday activities as a family, like going to a theme park or soft play, but within that they'll have one adult with each child, so they're not competing for attention and I can still spend some time with DH.

It means I never go off and do my own thing and leave DH with both kids or vice versa - both of us need to be there really. They are 3 and 6 now and play a bit better together but they get into fights all the time, the 6yo is quite civilised now but the 3yo gets stroppy and irrational!

@yellowchain glad to know someone who's lived/living it.
Has things improved at all with age? Now the youngest is 3 has the drudgery of it all eased up a bit?

I'm struggling majorly with the eldest's behaviour, it feels like he just doesn't stop talking when he's happy, and when he's not happy/naughty he's impossible to discipline, it's like no matter how much I try to encourage him to behave better, and less frantically, and stop saying things like "shut up" and "stupid lady" and sometimes swear words 🙄 I can't seem to improve his behaviour and DH is the same.

If you couldn't tell, I've hit a bit of a wall after the Christmas hols. I am on edge for every single noise they make. I just can't wait for a break. Luckily youngest goes to nursery tomorrow but eldest is with me still.