Is this PPD or am I just heartless

[Copenhagener]

This is a hard post to write.

I'm 6 weeks postpartum and I am not relating to motherhood at all. I can't work out if I'm a heartless bitch who shouldn't have had a baby, or if I might be going through something.

First: the baby was wanted - I even had IVF to conceive her.

However, the pregnancy was rough, ended up with a c-section, baby was in NICU, lost 10% of her weight because I couldn't establish breastfeeding (my milk dried up first week in from the stress of the NICU stay and she wouldn't ever latch). I couldn't carry her at the start because she was nearly 5kg at birth and I was recovering from the section. I never felt that surge of love when she was born or when I finally held her for the first time.

She's such an easy and sweet baby and I don’t deserve her. She's formula fed and will sleep 3-5 hours at a time. I do shifts with my partner, so I always get at least 4-5 hours of sleep in one go, plus maybe one nap a day. I eat 3 meals a day, shower daily, have time to clean, relax a bit, and walk the dog. I know this isn't the norm and I'm grateful.

But I just don't enjoy being around her much. I have no desire to cuddle her (though of course I do it anyway) and I don’t even have a single photo of us together, I try to find reasons to be out the house solo (offer to take the recycling down, food shop, etc) and I don't miss her when I'm out. I am completely capable of taking care of her, and her needs are being met. I do tummy time, sing to her, bathe her, feed her as soon as she fidgets, read to her, walk her in stroller, etc. But I feel nothing if I hear her cry (which is thankfully rare) and don't feel anything doing these activities - it's like any other chore.

I don't feel like a mother - mentally or physically, even my period is back already and I have none of those fuzzy new baby sensations. When anyone tells me how rewarding motherhood is and how the love is incomparable, I can't relate. It's at most monotonous and I feel so disconnected with my new life - which is weird as I was a homebody before and this is no huge change. Baby groups aren't useful because I don't feel anything like the other mums do - I feel like such a fraud and like I have to hide away or be discovered.

I have a year of maternity leave from work, and I'm already considering trying to go back at 6 months. I've already decided I never want another child, and even though I've gone through infertility, I am researching getting my tubes tied.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel completely empty and disconnected and flat. It's not even like I cry, I just feel like a ghost floating around my life. I've concerned she'll pick up on my lack of loving feelings and end up hating me or feeling sad. Part of me wants to walk away from my life entirely, I think her and my partner would be better off without me and I should just get on a plane and disappear elsewhere.

Can anyone relate? I have my postpartum check up soon and I'm not sure if I should tell them this. I'm worried I'll be judged / have social services visit me and everything about PPD mentions being sad/overwhelmed/worn out physically.

I would NEVER harm her. I am not feeling angry or out of control.

I would bet my house that you have post partum depression, based on what you’ve said. You MUST tell them about this at your post partum check so that they can refer or provide the support you need. The thing is there are many manifestations of PND and just a general, flat, grey colour over everything, not getting any pleasure out of your beautiful baby, is definitely one of them.
it’s an absolute bugger this PND but can be sorted with the right help. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job in spite of it ❤️

Also, you are not placing your baby at any risk so please don’t let a fear of social services (unwarranted) be a barrier to talking to professionals about how you are feeling.

Sounds like you've missed out on the rush of oxytocin that birth gives you, which is not unusual with such a difficult time you were having.
It's the bonding hormone and gives you that 'taken in love with your baby feeling'.
But, that feeling will still kick in, just might take you longer and that's hard on you because it makes it more of a slog in the meantime.
Skin to skin and cuddles help.
Could be ppd as well, I'd chat to your midwife/GP/health visitor and see what help you can get to sort you while you Go through this stage.

I really feel for you as becoming a mum is hard enough without this, but encourage you to hold on in there, you're being an amazing mum by giving her all the care and the knock you off your feet feeling can come along anytime and it still counts... It can take a while, don't worry if it's not there yet.

Meanwhile I think you might find listening to this helpful:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/m001v4dd?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

Especially episodes 5, 11, 15 and 16.

Good luck, hold on in there, you're doing an amazing thing even if it doesn't feel like it yet.

Just to add, the disconnected ghost feeling does sound like ppd.
I know it really really doesn't feel like it, but this feeling you're in can be very short lived with help, you won't always feel like this, and it's really common so don't feel a fraud and the professionals can support you.

I could have written this myself 13 weeks ago when my son was born...I have been diagnosed with postnatal depression.
Please speak honestly about how your feeling at your 6 week check up, it's sounds like your doing an amazing job so don't be fearful of social services getting involved etc your baby is well cared for but you need to make sure you are being looked after too!
For me with the help of medication and support from professionals such as the perinatal mental health team things are starting to turn around and that bond between myself and my son is growing each day.
It can get better

The line that jumped out to me of your post was that you think your baby and partner would be better off without you - that is absolutely what PND does (from experience) but is absolutely not true. Your doing an amazing job and I promise it gets better but you do need support

Oh OP, you are doing such a brilliant job and seem so aware even though you're clearly going through a tough time.

It does sound like PPD - as others have said, the flatness etc - but also it's worth remembering that you have also had a traumatic birth and post natal period with the NICU stay etc. Have you been able to talk to anyone about it? Cry? Have you had a debrief with the hospital about what happened in your delivery and why? You can request to go through your birth notes with the head of midwifery or similar at your hospital when you feel ready... It can help with processing your experiences.

Also the way you feel right now, won't last forever. There will be a moment at some point in the future where your baby will do something and your will feel that surge of love and connection. But in the meantime, look after yourself and seek support - both from people you know personally and trust and love, and professionals who have experience in this area.

Good luck and lots of love.

Yes this sounds like PPD. You’ve been through a really traumatic time. I second speaking to your GP. I wonder if the perinatal mental health team could help you? There’s lots they could work on with your bond and particularly that feeling of disconnection that you’re not a mother. You’re not the only person to feel like this and you can and will feel better xxx

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. The NICU is such an incredibly difficult experience, in many ways it's the opposite of what Mum and baby should have at birth, it's very common for people to struggle afterwards. Please reach out to get some support for your mental health from your doctor, it's not your fault and things can get so much better for you.