Fearfully apologetic son

[LifeOnAmber]

DS is 3.5yrs.

I would say our parenting style is assertive but also compassionate. We're definitely the sort of parents who are constantly telling ourselves they're only young once and we are just not strict parents but saying that we understand our role is to bring up a child which means sometimes assertion needs to be placed for example saying no when it comes to too much TV or sweets.

Now there has been times when my son may have dropped his bowl of fruit or trips up and he will turn to me and say I'm sorry but with a fearful undertone, like they are scared they messed up and are apologizing immediately.

Now we are not shouty parents nor are we constantly telling our children off rather we always opt for change through positive phrases.

The few times this has occurred my heart has dropped as in why is my child so apologetic and afraid he's going to get shouted up or hit.

Any idea of this behaviour? And what would be a ideal way for the parent to respond. I didn't wanna respond in a way the child thinks it's ok, free reign, mum dad don't care, or that they are always saying dw son. We do wanna bring up our kids with love and respect to the parents.

Is it possible your other half behaves more sternly when you are not around or if they are sometimes stressed when minding DS alone?
When you describe your parenting style for both of you I dunno, just life isn't always like that. As a mum I could have described my preferred parenting style but ex dh would never have used that phrase in his life. If he was happy he was nice dad, if he was grumpy he wasn't.

I would talk to ds in an appropriate way to find out who and what he is scared of.
Consider a nanny cam if you think it might be necessary.
Also read up on ASD and neurodivergence generally as seemingly inappropriate levels of anxiety at minor issues are often an early sign.
Or he may just be a sensitive soul, as many people are.

No we are similar. He infact is the 'nicer' parent. Ds is at nursery, I don't know if they shout there or he's seen other parents shout at their kids. And tbh I have seen some very disproportionate shouting at the park.

I'd say he's pretty average kid, but after an accident you'd expect from a toddler, his response is like, I'm sorry, I won't do it again, please don't punish me.

I mean our son has never been hit, put on a naughty step, anything disciplinary. He's the eldest and an angel. Plenty of attention from both parents. We wanna raise a secure kid.

My dd is 13 and has always been one to over-react to mistakes - so if she spills a drink she will shriek and say 'I'm sorry I'm so so sorry' and start flapping and panicking.

My response has always been to say 'stop - go get some kitchen towel, let's get it mopped up, it was an accident' etc.

When she calms down and has tidied up, we might then have a chat along the lines of 'that could have been avoided if you put you cup further on the table, didn't have your feet up, didn't leap about' etc.

She has always been a perfectionist and school are starting to suspect adhd so I think it's just part of her personality. I've always shown her how to clean up so she has natural consequences of having to tidy up etc and then we move on.

My youngest is like this, and our parnting style very similar.

I'd say your ds sounds very sensitive bless him. Just go with compassionate and reassuring. Our ds is now 11 and still automatically feels shame and guilt and cries if he messes up, but it's instinctual and brief after years of me hugging him and reassuring him it's OK to make mistakes, we are all human and learning.

Hopefully it's just a phase and/or something he's picked up from peers at nursery. He's lucky to have you ❤️ I often worry about kids like these who do have shouty, aggressive parents who punish all the time. Their self esteem must be in shreds 😢

We are very similar here. Stay calm and help, then chat later when nervous system is re-balanced.

One of my parenting wins was a few years ago when I spilled a glass of wine and was flapping and berating myself for putting it in a stupid place. Ds1 ran to get kitchen roll and sensitive ds2, aged around 6, was rubbing my back and saying in soothing tones "it's ok, we're all human, we all make mistakes, no harm done" etc! I was so proud of myself, as was raised in a house where I'd have been told off and possibly shouted at. Hopefully my boys are learning a new way to parent.