Communication with 4yro about splitting up with dad

[Sweetlove23]

Hi All

Myself and now ex split up about 5 months ago. Our house is sold, I’ve bought another and he’s moving in with family. We have no exchange or completion date. Solicitors dragging.

We have explained to our 4yo dd mummy and daddy can’t live together anymore because we are more kind to each other when we live separately and she has accepted this.

I moved into my mums as living with him was awful. We agreed on 50/50 and a 223 system which was working well, she would stay at my mums with me on my days.

However my mum hurt her back and was unable to have her around the house so ex and I agreed that I’d stop at the house on my days. He’d still be there but I’d parent.

This hasn’t gone that well. When I’m there she will not listen to me, only wants her dad, and has become very clingy of him. I have no issue with this but he then becomes annoyed because it’s my day, but won’t stay at family members on my days.

My mums back is now better but she doesn’t want to stop at my mums anymore because she says she misses daddy too much and gets really upset. My mum and step dad had paid for us both to go to Lapland this year as something to take our mind off everything, for weeks she said she didn’t want to go no matter what we said, he started getting stressed out and annoyed by it. Thankfully the day before, we got to my mums and hyped it up and she changed her mind and had a great time.

Or like tonight he goes out, comes back (drunk and this is a big reason I no longer wanted to stay with him) during bedtime and tonight she has not long gone to sleep and it’s 10:30pm because she kept moving between me and him (she won’t sleep in her own bed at the moment or wants one of us to sleep with her). But she told me she finds it hard to choose who she wants for bedtime when we are both here because she wants to make us both happy. In the end I said it’s not your job to make mummy and daddy happy, and mummy would be happy if you chose daddy and got some sleep which she has done now.

I have no idea if I said the right thing.

my questions are:

1. should I ask him to move out during my days (it is easier for school run, mums is 1 hour round trip)
2. or should I go back to old routine and take her to mums.
3. if he won’t move out, my thoughts are I should still do my days at house if it’s a school day but do weekends with her at my mums.
4. how do I communicate any of the above scenarios. I am trying to work this as best as I can for her.

thanks for reading from a stressed mummy here.

Yeh you cannot both be there at same time
Too confusing

Think you need to draw a line. Why would you go back to his after having split up. He's nice enough to let you in and remember just cos he's not nice to you, it doesn't mean he won't be nice to her. The 4yo needs adjustment and that world easier if clear boundaries.

I’m not saying he wouldn’t be nice to her, I’ve got no issue with his parenting, it’s how I communicate going back to my mums to her when she gets upset going.