Two teenagers at Christmas and new year

[MomCanIHave]

First of all happy new year to all.
My Christmas and new year did not turn out the way I had hoped and I am just looking for people who can relate to my situation.
Lone parent of two teenagers, an 18 year old son and a 14 year old daughter.
My son does not spend anytime with us, he is always out with his friends and often comes home well after myself and daughter are in bed, Christmas eve was no exception, however he woke up to open presents with us on Christmas morning then we went to family for lunch, he slept upstairs for most of the day after opening presents and then came down to eat with us, got home and then went out with his friends Christmas night. I let it go, he wants to see his friends. I spent the whole day with my daughter. They both had a stupid amount spent on them, I do it every year and feel that my son now just expects expensive presents because spending any time with me is something he does not want to do. I always try my best to get them what is on their Wishlist.

New years eve rolled around, son didn't have any plans he said his friend was coming around about 11pm. Myself and my daughter were watching a film in the lounge, at 11pm my daughter said she wanted to go in her bedroom to scroll social media and make a 2024 video, however she would be in the lounge to count down to 2025. Something she likes to do. My sons friend arrived at 11:30pm, late and pointless in my opinion but I told my son and his friend there were drinks in the fridge and food in the cupboards to eat, drink and have a nice time. (They were not planning on sitting with me which was fine). Anyway at 11:50 I called to my daughter and said are you coming in the lounge she said I'm doing my makeup! Then again at 11:52 i said are you coming in, she was doing her eyelashes! Ok! so at 11:54 I called her again and said please come in here now, she sighed so loudly and shouted back at me I am on tiktok why do you keep calling me? My daughter can be moody at times, typical of her age, but never on special occasions, we had sat together for a good proportion of the evening so i do not mind her wanting to go into her bedroom to speak to friends or scroll her phone, but it was ten minutes out of her night. I spent all day yesterday sorting out her bedroom because it was such a mess, the day before i spent all evening sorting out my sons room because it was becoming a health hazard! My son does nothing around the home, he goes to college in the week and claims he cannot get a part time job he has applied everywhere! (An excuse i believe) however he is in full time education so I have not pushed this too much. I work full time, I do everything for them both. They do not take any pride in their rooms, I tell them to keep their space clean, I find dishes, cups, glasses, dirty clothes mixed in with clean clothes, overflowing draws, rubbish just thrown on the floor, stains on their carpets from food, drinks spilt or in my daughters case makeup and fake tan. I just feel really deflated. So at 11:55pm last night i said I am going to bed! I just took myself to bed, my daughter started crying. My son was non the wiser as he was in his room with his friend. He came out at 12:01 and said happy new year, I said happy new year (sons name/friends name). Then at 12:50 i heard him and his friend sneak out the house. I called him four times no answer. I text him twice, he called me back and i said where are you going? he said out! Then I couldn't sleep. I worry about him when he's out so late but there is nothing i can do he is of age. I just feel that neither of my children respect me, or respect the things I do for them. Dad is involved, and says yes to everything they want he treats them like they're his friends. I am struggling. Is anyone else in a similar situation?

18 year old sounds like an 18 year old. Teenager girl sounds like a teenage girl.
i’d stop doing things for them and close the door on their room…. Just ask them to bring dishes and cups down.

At that age they want to be doing their own things, not being company for their mum I’m afraid. I was alone and in bed early reading as DC 18 & 21 vanished out after dinner, I didn’t even know they were going out, but they have their friends and activities and I was the same at their age.
Their rooms are their rooms, up to them how they want to keep it really. As long as they bring dishes down I don’t let it stress me now tbh, I spent far too long doing that!

What did you want to do for New Year's, because it's all centred around your kids wants and it doesn't need to be.

Do you do anything for yourself? What if, instead of spending on their wish lists, you spent it on something for you? It's not selfish to make sure your needs are met and understand that the kids are growing up and won't necessarily be as in need of attention as when they were small.

Your daughter spent most of New Year’s Eve hanging out with you, I don’t really see the problem.
your son is 18, he will want to be out with friends at that age, it’s normal.

So is your complaint that 14y.o. preferred to do countdown on TikTok?
You should have relaxed and enjoyed some peace and quiet.

It wasn’t a complaint, my children are my life and I was looking forward to spending the evening and counting down with them to 2025 which is an important year for me career wise. I have enough peace and quiet when they’re at dad’s house. It was my hope that we would do the countdown as we have every other new year. It was 10 minutes out of her evening.

I do get you absolutely and you are right in your expectations, the problem is that they are selfish at this age and not very thoughtful so “the important year career wise” is nothing for them. Let it go.

I think it's your focus on your children being your life. They sound like completely normal teenagers and teenagers usually prefer to spend time with their friends, a completely normal part of their development. I can't see they've done anything wrong here. I was the exact same at their age.

It isn't their responsibility to celebrate an important year for you career wise. They aren't your friends or your peers. I can tell you are a caring devoted mum, but I don't think it's necessarily healthy for your life to be centred around your children especially as they become young adults and detach from you. As hard as it is, expectations shouldn't be placed on them that they need to provide you with company. I don't know if you have friends, hobbies or interests outside your children but I'd start with that.

I’d have let your daughter do her thing at midnight and then when she came back watched the BBC Big Ben and fireworks on playback to see the new year in.

Your children should not be 'your life'. They have their own lives to live. You need to develop a life away from them. Friends, activities, going out. It can sometimes be hard to make that transition but it's important. For them and for you.

You have four issues here

1. the amount you spend on them and you feeling they are ungrateful - spend less
2. they don't do anything around the house and you feel taken advantage of - do less and instill some boundaries and expectations
3. they didn't spend time with you on New Year's eve - you need to 'book' them and be explicit don't expect them to read your mind as they obviously don't put the same importance on it as you do"DD and DS, it is important to me that we spend NYE together, how would you like our evening to look?" Although at 18 I'm not surprised your DS wanted to go out
4. Your life revolves around your children, now they are older you need to expand your social circle so that it isn't so child focussed, next NYE have a couple of your friends around instead.

Your children shouldn't be your life and expected to entertain you. They will be moving out and standing on their own feet soon enough.

Number 3 is a terrible idea - at what age do you let go? Encourage them to see friends or for your daughter to invite her friends to yours for a sleepover and make your own plans with friends/family.

I agree, 18 year olds should be out living their lives. I'd fully expect an 18 year old to be out with friends at new year, not just having one friend over to their parents house. If my own mother had tried to "book" me in at 18 to provide company for her at new year, I'd have been jumping out my bedroom window.

I have a 17yo who was in New York and New Haven (Connecticut) over Christmas and New Year so I didn't get to spend time with him either OP.

My 14yo stayed up for the Bells with DH as I can't due to health reasons. Again, not what I wanted but I have to accept my lot.

Sounds like rules need to be in place for them eating in rooms and helping around the house. I would stop doing things especially for the 18 year old and ask the 14 year old to help. Write a list of rules/chores and see how it works. We have a 17 and 20 year old, they know they have to bring plates/cup down if they ever eat upstairs. They take pride in their room and always wash their dishes.

None of mine get to eat in their rooms. Everyone eats together at the table. It's never been a thing.

I hope you can spend this new year building up your own friendship circle and have something nice to do next new year.

My two are both late teens and I know they don't want to spend NYE with me. That's fine - I celebrate with friends.

Well I didn't mean literally 'book' them at NYE just used that as an example due to OPs post.
I did say that OP needs to open her social circle and celebrate with her own friends next year.

But my point was more actually communicating that something is important to the OP because teenagers just see mum doing her thing in the background and don't necessarily think of us as having our own wants and needs, you simply can't expect people to read your mind and then get annoyed when they don't do what you wanted them to do inside your head.

It sounds like overall OP isn't communicating effectively re the state of their rooms and general expectations and that needs to change as they become older and able to become more independent otherwise she'll just get annoyed with them not doing what she thinks she should be doing in her head.

This is your time now, they have reached an age where although they need you they don't. If you embrace it, it can be quite liberating. My youngest is 15 and I now love the freedom I am starting to feel after raising 3 children.

The respect thing though - I would sit them down and have a conversation around the fact that they are now becoming adults, that with adulthood comes responsibility. You work full time and need them to pull their weight around the house. My incentive was pocket money (this may work for the 14 year old). Ask the 18 year old to start putting his own washing in, it's only 1 job, it's not hard but would really help you out. Ask him to do the weekly bins, something like that. It doesn't have to be much but something he can contribute to.

The bedroom thing - i've never found anything that works other than them getting girlfriends!

I’m sorry OP but the whole “my kids are my life” is a bit cringey and when they are this age only sets you up for a world of disappointment. News Flash: you are NOT their life any more. It is the natural way of things that they will separate from you and be more focussed on their own interests and friends. In fact that’s a compliment to you that they are sufficiently equipped socially to do that, pat yourself on the back! Then get out in the world and be selfish - you are facing a new stage of life which is there to be grabbed with both hands!

It is sad when they are still the centre of your world but they've moved on and developed and have their own ideas and priorities. It's OK to feel deflated and sad at times but also to then give yourself a talking to about how they have their own lives and friendships and that's great. Time to reassess expectations of them and yourself. It's a process coming to terms with them growing up.

Hi op you are obviously a great mum and you have two teens who are developing normally. ´
I agree with the above poster.

Your statement;

It wasn’t a complaint, my children are my life

is the problem!

It’s very easy as a responsible single parent to get stuck in the same rut and not look at your relationship with your dc clearly!

You have naturally always invested everything you have in to your dc and now you don’t have a life outside of them and they are growing up and they don’t need you as much and you have not adjusted your parenting to that.

As all children should, they will be standing on their own two feet soon and will want to be with their friends and not you I’m afraid. You don’t see it atm but this is a good thing! It means you have done your job as a parent really well!

Op this is a sign that you need to step back from putting all of your focus and attention, energy and spare money in to your teens, and start developing your own social life and interests and hobbies.

Make sure that next year you have a little party of your own at home and see in the new year with your friends. And your dd can invite a few of her own friends too if she wants!

Your teens are starting to take advantage of you, and you are indulging them, and it’s not doing them any favours. And you are understandably starting to feel resentful.

Step back. Start getting them to feel the natural consequences of their own behaviour.
They will tidy their own rooms soon enough when they want to bring their friends around.

Just be less available to them from now on. Get a rota of chores going and make sure they cook one meal a week and start doing their own laundry. Stop cleaning their rooms and start getting them independent for when they leave home. Get them to help you cleaning one evening a week. They are no longer young children, you have a young adult and a teen sharing your space who are capable of contributing much more than they do currently!

Sorry but it’s not fair on them if you are dependent on them for your social life. You are not their friend, you are their mother! Where are your own friends?

2025 is the year when you start being a bit selfish op! It’s good for your teens to see you modelling good self care and enjoying life!

But yourself a few new clothes in the sale. Start going out in the evenings, Share the chores. Don’t be waiting on them hand and foot. Be less predictable. And be busy so they are waiting for you to come home once in a while! Otherwise, you are setting yourself, and them, up
for a period of disappointment and friction.

It’s time to start doing all of those things you couldn’t do as a single mum! Exercise, going out at night, going on a few overnight trips away (as long as you have a relative or friend looking in on them).

You sound like you have done a brilliant job of bringing up your dc by yourself while succeeding in your own career, which is not easy at all! You deserve huge recognition for that! But your main source of validation should not be your dc op! That will come later when they are less selfish and have families of their own and realise what a stellar mum you were to them!

For now though, it’s perfectly normal teen development if they move away from you a bit and start rejecting you and your values to an extent in order to individuate in to their own adult selves! You need to give them the space to do that! Don’t suffocate them and make them feel worried about you! You can start living your own life now!

Having been through it myself with my own young adults, painful though it is at times, I can guarantee you that the next five years will be full of transition and change!

Better start getting prepared for that now op, when we are no longer the main guiding star in our children’s lives. It’s time to start getting ready to fade out a little and be one star in a whole constellation of stars shining down on them as they start forming their own relationships and forging their way in the world without you!

Time to start thinking to yourself, “what do I want for myself in the next five and ten years?” and start doing something about it!

Good luck!

I wouldn't focus on NYE - that's one day out of the year, and neither of them did anything that terrible IMO. I'd concentrate on the bit about them doing nothing around the house and expecting expensive gifts from you. These are the things to change OP.