Parenting when feeling unwell - what is fair?

[Giraffe24]

Looking for advice as I’m struggling to work out what is fair in this situation, and am aware I’ve not always handled it in the best way.

DH and I have a 1 year old DC. Once a month or so, DH comes down sick with sinusitis or something similar (unpleasant and worse than a cold, but not incapacitating). When this happens, his preference would be to sleep it off in bed. If it’s a work day, he can take a sick day and it doesn’t affect me. But if it’s at a weekend, that’s when the problem arises.

Before having DC it would be fair enough for him to spend a weekend day in bed, but IMHO now that we have DC the boundaries around this have shifted. DH works quite long hours during the week (whereas I work part time and do more childcare during the week), so the weekend days are really important for us all to spend time together, and for me to relax a bit knowing that he’s there to share responsibilities with me. I therefore feel that if he’s under the weather on a weekend day, rather than going to bed he should try be in the living room with us - happy for him to base himself on the sofa and not exert himself too much, but that way I’d at least have a bit of adult company.

We’ve talked about this several times and he does understand my point that now we have DC, the threshold for going to bed ill is higher. What tends to happen, though, is that the next time an illness comes round, he will stay asleep in bed until I come and get him up. This means we inevitably re-hash the whole conversation around what is fair in these circumstances, and I often end up quizzing him about exactly how ill he is feeling (which I’m aware is not great of me). He then does get up, and manages to be in the living room with us, but has said it feels like I am annoyed with him for being unwell (which to be honest I think is somewhat true).

I guess my question boils down to, what is fair with a young child when you are unwell, but not incapacitatingly so? Obviously if he had D&V and could not leave the bathroom that would be completely different!

I would like to add for context that aside from this issue, he is a very involved parent.

See I'm the opposite- if DH is 'too unwell' to be a meaningful member of the family then I banish him to bed, out of my sight 😂

We both soldier through most things though tbf.

He’s having to take sick days once a month? Something is wrong there. Get him to a GP.

I'm glad DH let me get over my migraines in peace and quiet. Means I got over them quicker and back to parenting!

When I was on my own with DC, soldiering on when ill was one of the hardest things. Having DP now means I can rest and recover and it's game changing. If he is genuinely ill then yabu, why can't you take the dc out, and meet up with friends or family for support / adult company?

If you suspect he's using a recurring illness to skive off his parenting duties though and/or you aren't afforded the same treatment if you are ill on a weekend, then that's obviously not ok

Going to bed for a slight cold is overkill. No one can be that ill every month unless they're very unhealthy. Is he looking after himself, eating well, exercising? I'd send him to the Dr.

I'd also be taking a day off a month too just randomly whenever.

I do understand the idea that the threshold for too ill to participate is higher and agree to an extent.

However, I would feel quite annoyed if my dh got me out of bed to be company to him in the lounge, when I had decided I felt ill and needed to sleep it off. I would be fine if he said he was struggling and needed a break so could I watch the kids, but not just for company.

If I was feeling ill my husband would march me off to bed, do me a hot water bottle and bring me food and cups of tea during the day.

He would never make me sit in the living room with him and the children just so he’d have company.

If he’s getting ill once a month though I would send him to the GP just for a check-up to make sure there’s nothing underlying.

But in the situation you describe I do think you’re being a bit mean.

Repeated sinus problems are horrible, I'd encourage a medical appointment and let him do whatever helps him feel better the most.
I would also expect to be able to rest if I was ill too.

That being said I'm a lone parent of three, we recently all had noro and being in sole responsibility of that situation is one I will never forget 😂

My DH wouldn't expect me to do this if I was ill. He'd let me sleep it off. He works long hours too.

Yes once a month needs to be checked. The threshold should be higher but forced interactions can be tough. Maybe a bit of a lie in but still come down

DH used to go to bed with everything but now only does when he feels really rotten and it’s only once a year max and I know he isn’t well. Same with me

Once a month? How has he not been disciplined at work?!

He needs to see a GP. That’s not a usual occurrence.

One of thw best pieces of advice I was given was ‘never marry or have a child with someone until you have seen what they are like when they are ill’ (and I mean minor illness ill, not something serious).

I don’t don the dressing gown of doom and take to my bed, so I don’t expect it back.

We soldier through colds, both of us, no matter how bad. A fever, vomiting etc is totally different and needs rest.

We've recently all had Norovirus at the same time, 2 adults 2 young kids and that was quite literally the worst two days of my life. We both had to power through feeling like death

Has he been to a doctor? My answer will depend on that to some extent. But as someone who has a chronic illness, pushing through it would be counterproductive

It's the frequency he does it which would bug me - no one healthy is so ill they spend the day in bed once a month.

Otherwise, on an ad hoc basis when poorly, the best thing to do if there's 2 adults and one is ill is for the ill one to go to bed for the day. Get better quicker, not moping around underfoot etc.

However as an experiment in your shoes I'd feign illness on Saturday and take to my bed. Best way to see if he would reciprocate.

I think it's reasonable for him to go to bed, but in return maybe the next day he could do more child wrangling so you get some time off?

With small children they do catch everything going and certainly when mine were this sort of age they passed it on to me. Winters were endless colds/sinuditis/Noro.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I knew I wasn’t handling it well and I am happy to be told IABU, this has helped me get some perspective.

To answer a couple of things - he’s not necessarily taking sick days off work once a month. Something like this happens approx once a month (but might be every 6 weeks sometimes), and these sometimes fall on a weekday, sometimes on a weekend.

He does see the GP - thank you to those who expressed concern about this. Potentially part of the issue atm is that DC is in the phase of first winter at nursery, bringing home lots of viruses, and he seems more prone to catching them too than I am.

Where I said I ask him to get up so I have company - this is usually after a bit of a lie-in rather than immediately, and by adult company I meant support with DC not just to chat to me. I realise that didn’t come across very well - I guess a better way of phrasing it might be adult presence so that I can take a break from time to time without needing to go and fetch him.

Your responses are all food for thought and I will try to manage this better in future.

Depends on illness. If he’s too poorly to be up, then having a day in bed is the bestnpmace to be. If it’s just a mild cold, then he should be up

I think your being unreasonable. From what you have said he is genuinely unwell and therefore everyone will be much better off for him to stay away and sleep it off.

I also can imagine how peed off I'd be if I was poorly and my dh came to get me up to have a break or adult support/company.

This isn't the point of your post but if he is so ill about once month that he needs to take to his bed I think he needs to see a doctor. That isn't normal.
Also what happens when you are ill? Does he take over so you can go to bed.
Without knowing whether he has something more serious underlying it's hard to say if he is being unreasonable. But if it's just feeling a bit under the weather then he is being unreasonable. Parents generally have to just get on with things.

Someone taking to their bed once a month/ six weeks would get right on my nerves.
What does the gp say about this level of illness?

I would personally take my kids out of the house for the day so he could rest and get back to normal more quickly. Then the next weekend I'd take myself out of the house (or send them out) and catch my breath.

I've been poorly a lot this year with long covid and I do what I can on the days I'm unwell. On the days I'm well I do 'extra' so my husband isn't totally burnt out.

For me it would really depend on what happens when you're poorly? Do you get a day in bed regardless of how bad it is? Or do you soldier on , either because you choose to(stop) or because he expects you to (massively double standard).

We’re also going through a virus after virus period after starting nursery - my sympathies - and if one of us is ill, we try to give each other the space to sleep it off/rest even if it means no break from parenting our 21 month old. It also means the sick one is back on track faster vs prolonging it. Then you get the favour returned when you’re unwell or just need time off. Does your DH do his best to pick up more slack when he’s well and give you more time off? I’d much rather take that than a sick, miserable DH on the sofa to keep me company