When did you start setting boundaries/discipling your child?

[coffeeandsleep]

FTM to a 17 month toddler. Interested to hear consensus on what age to start setting boundaries. Disciplining may not be the right word, but I mean steering away from undesired behaviour - examples such as:

• hitting playfully on the face but too much force is used
• taking glasses off DH when he needs them
• throwing food and toys with force
• banging or dropping items loudly

any books or resources recommended on this would also be appreciated.

i have seen MIL get annoyed by the banging items loudly and throwing and wondering whether I need to be firmer on this or if it’s just typical toddler behaviour.

As soon as it arose really. Obviously redirecting rather than 'telling off' but I would never allow them to take glasses for instance.

When I married him.

The same. Gentle “discipline” a bit older - perhaps 2+.

Perfect time to start, if not before.
At this age they understand the word no but lack the impulse control to comply.
Redirection is good. We don’t hit we stroke faces. Demonstrate stroking on her. Then hold her hand and basically move her hand so she does it to you. When she tried she will be probably too rough. It takes some practise.
Mine were not allowed to touch glasses for seeing or for drinking. Too dangerous. A sharp no touching plus moving them away is sufficient.
Throwing food and toys is a pain but can last a whole. Throwing food I usually took that as they were not hungry anymore and put them away from the food.
I used to let them bang on pots and pans with wooden spoons.

at this age a play pen can be really useful.

Honestly I think you can say no but to me discipline and boundaries only come with a bit of understanding. I don’t mean prior to this I let them run riot but moving a child away from a dangerous thing isn’t discipline, it’s just common sense.

DGS was one last week. DS2 and DDIL say “no, we have nice hands, we don’t hit” even if he hits playfully. He was grabbing at our glasses but that has stopped now, because we all said “ahah, not the glasses.”

If he throws he gets told throwing is for outside not inside. I’m not sure how much goes in but it’s never too early to start imo

With my 20mnth old I remove from temptations eg. Either take toy away or move away from him to explain that we don't do that behaviour.
I also talk about gentle hands and allow him to have play hands with balls pillows etc and gentle hands with people delicate toys dolls etc. Just so they can see contrast!

Thanks everyone. I did say earlier today that we stroke faces and be gentle, and demonstrated. She was still using too much force but it may take time to learn. When I said it, she started crying so could possibly tell I was upset from my tone and face. I guess that’s to be expected. I want to strike the right balance so that boundaries are set but I’m not being overly harsh.

I don’t think we ever thought of it as ‘disciplining’ but we just dealt with things as they came up. I tried never to be shouty as I had a shouty mum and that was awful.

You’ll get there. She’s still very little yet and ignore your MIL. It’s not her place to tell you when to set boundaries for your toddler. I keep my nose very firmly out. Babies, because that’s what they still are, don’t need a lot of different people telling them what to do.

Now is the perfect time imo. We have a similarly aged dc. We redirect and use words like gentle and then model it. Glasses are a no, in our house - because they will then think all glasses are a free for all. We take them back put them back on and say no these are daddy's glasses etc and then give something else to play with.

We don't use stair gates or anything like that but have just kept redirecting or saying no playing in the hall or we set a little area up in the kitchen away from the stove/oven when cooking and redirect them if they stray.

By 18m they know not to use the stairs (up or down) and will wait for an adult before using them if they beat us to them. Some with walking off...we use "hands" as a command (for lack of a better word) and they wait to hold hands before going off.

It sounds a but harsh, but baby is happy and wants to explore and is allowed to. Again, we will say "go" and off they toddle to explore their surroundings.

I'm not trying to sound smug. I know the full emergence of free will, will change everything and then it will be back to redirecting, modelling and distraction to learn new emerging boundaries.

We don't use consequences yet because they still haven't a clue. We also don't always get it right using "hot' near a radiator meant that baby started blowing Raspberries at it trying to cool it down. We're rethinking that one.

All that behaviour should be attempted to be corrected immediately. Babies will be babies and hit faces, knock glasses etc but each time you should gently move their hands and say no.
It’s weird to not start until 18 months but better late than never.

We started pretty much straight away but gently at first, like you say not exactly "discipline" but modelling behaviour/starting with basic boundaries and no big explanations as they're too young to really grasp them.

So to use your examples -

Any hitting, gently take her hands say No firmly, but not shouting and redirect.

Throwing toys or food - the items are removed with a simple "no throwing please" and returned once they're calmer.

Taking glasses - gently taking them back "mine think you" and redirect/change of game/scene if repeated.

Loud banging is a hard one because they're just really experimenting... Obviously if it's something breakable or any risk of harm, remove like when they're throwing stuff. But if she's at home with her toys and it's safe but just loud I'd maybe let her for a short time then just move her on to another activity?

Redirection and distraction from the start.

I wouldn't do stroking of faces at all as faces are delicate, I would redirect to stroking arms.

I would get familiar with play schemas.

Throwing toys fits in n the trajectory one and it's a normal part of learning cause and effect but you can buy specific toys for throwing like indoor snowballs which won't hurt or break anything.

Same with dropping things, drop them into a padded drop zone like a pillow.

Since babies, really.

DTwins are 8 months and they are told no, redirected, distracted etc.

DS is 2 and he is told no, kind hands and has a time out after a warning for a few minutes and then says sorry.

Thanks everyone. Good to hear others experiences. The loud banging might be where she’s banging toys on the wooden floor so it makes a loud sound, or throwing things off table to hear it bang on the floor. It’s not causing a danger to anyone but can be annoying. Might get some more indoor toys which are less annoying to throw.

I asked this question once under a different account and got absolutely salted - "you can't discipline a baby", "you sound scary", "worst mother ever!" 🤣.
I struggled with DD (now 10 months), putting my necklace in her mouth, pulling my hair when playing etc.
I started at when she was about 7 months, not discipling but absolutely setting boundaries. It seems to have worked. She now points to my necklace but never grabs it or puts it in her mouth. She was very confused at Xmas because I've taught her to be gentle with books. She turns the pages of paper books and has been playing with a Christmas card since the beginning of December with no rips. It's amazing how much they do understand when you consistently set boundaries. Same with the Christmas tree we never let her touch it, so now she crawls up to it (as close as possible) but won't touch.

DD still bangs some of her toys, but I think that is developmentally normal - I'd rather she let out some of those emotions on toys rather than people. Throwing, however, is just a no no because in a different context that could hurt someone ( I make her kiss it better, which she actually does)

Now I'm not a toddler mum, DD is walking but still a baby so I may be in for a rude awakening. However I strongly believe you can set boundaries right from the get go. Im not a fan of the gently gently approach. Ahhh in a low voice a couple of times and she seems to understand that something is not ok 🤷.

I also think distraction is key. Don't set them up to fail. If you don't want them taking off glasses make sure they have something else instead.