Can’t agree on childcare arrangements - does anyone have any advice?

[BabyYodaa]

I’m a single mum and carer to two children, both have different disabilities. DD is 3 years old and DS is 2 years old.

For a while, there was no official arrangement with their dad as he would visit the children at my house (he still lives at home with his family so it was easier to see them at my house). Last year summer I got really fed up of how unpredictable this arrangement was and spoke with their dad about it. We agreed that he’d have the children every weekend.

Well to say that’s barely happened is an understatement. At the time I was working and managed to amend my hours so that I was working on the weekends only. Their dad however, didn’t do anything to amend their work schedule and we’d often have clashes. I ended up leaving my job because I was exhausted with the carer side of things and I was barely getting any sleep.

The children’s dad is a HCA. Last month he finally spoke with the matron of the ward and they agreed to reduce his hours but did say that he has to work at least one weekend every 4 months (or something like that!). He didn’t get this in writing and just took their word for it. The rota has been released for February and surprise, surprise, he’s been put down to work every single weekend.

He doesn’t really care and probably won’t do anything about it. I, on the other hand, am so burned out. What can be done if we can’t reach an informal agreement? He wants to come to my house and look after the kids here on his day off. I’m against that because he doesn’t look after them. He goes in my kitchen, helps himself to food and falls asleep on the sofa. I don’t like him at all and I’d rather keep my distance. Any advice on what can be done or am I just going to have to find a way to care for both children 7 days a week?

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I suggezt you post on the special needs board for advice on getting support. You have a useless ex partner, which is bad enough, but the extra complication of your dc's disabilities.

It's difficult if he doesn't actually want to look after them.

I would stop him coming to yours. If he asks to see them try and make it clear that he can see them but it has to be out of your house

Don’t have him come to yours, it’s your safe space

How often does his rota come out? With him working shifts, I'd say as soon as the rota is published he arranges which days he will have the dc with you and these are locked in. Why does it have to be weekends if he does shifts?

With regards where he cares for them, agree with the above, he needs to collect them and take them out / back to where he lives.

I think you need to accept that he's about as much use as a chocolate fire guard regarding the children.

Can you get regular childcare instead to enable you to work? Look into what you're entitled to, I'd also speak to cab to see if you're entitled to any assistance due to their disabilities. Take your reliance away from him. This way you can also refuse to allow him yo come into your home. You give him a schedule to see the dc, maybe evenings or when you're not working and if he does r turn up, then it's no skin off your nose.

Sit down with him and make a plan for January and February. He can take the children on his days off (2 days a week) for 6 hours or so either in his home or elsewhere playground / soft play/ cafes etc. this will give you a break in the short term. Don’t have him in your home.
Think about your work going forward - what do you do ? Sounds like you need something quite flexible a few days a week to allow
you time off in the holidays or when the kids are sick and need collecting from school . Doesn’t sound like DH is reliable .

Going forward you will need a plan for before and after school and that leaves a fairly short day to work .
If you decide that weekends are the best option for you, the DH needs to go back to his ward manager and remind them of the verbal agreement and ask for this to be put in place asap perhaps March will be achievable . They make even get bank staff in for February if this is their mistake.

Why does it have to be weekends if he does shifts?

At first it was because I was working on the weekends. But now it’s because both the children and I need consistency. How is he meant to have his children stay with him if his work is all over the place. That’s why he spoke with his Matron and put in a flexible working request. The agreement just needs to be adhered too.

Otherwise, the option is him staying in my house on his days off and I really don’t want that

But if he gets two days off a week then he can arrange for the kids to stay overnight then? Doesn't matter if its the same exact days each time surely?

But that’s the thing, he never has two days off in a row.

For example, he could have Mon (night), Tues (Night), Weds (off), Thurs (long day), Fri (off), Sat (long day), Sun (off). Obviously that’s just an example but that’s how it tends to look.

Both of my children have disabilities and they need a set routine, especially one of them. The agreement was that I’d do the nursery run Monday - Friday as well as take care of all appointments. That makes the most sense because the nursery is 30 mins away from my house and easier to get too. It’s more awkward for their dad to have them on a weekday and try and get them to nursery for 9 in the morning when he doesn’t drive.

EOW made the most sense as it was two days guaranteed for him to have his children and spend time with them