Do your children have a favourite grandparent?

[TwinklyGoldReader]

The dreaded issue of competitive grandparents has come up tonight. Do children really have a favourite? Surely if both grandmothers are actively involved and see a child fairly equally, they don't?

MIL is widowed and retired so 'pops in' 3-4 times a week. My own mum is separated but still works so typically sees DS twice a week. My mum is very laid back and I don't think it's ever entered her head about DS having a favourite. Neither does she care if I say MIL has been round, she's just happy she's had some company!

MIL seems to be growing increasingly jealous of my own mums visits, to the point DH has started lying. She's constantly calling to ask if she can pop in- I'm finding this overwhelming but that's a separate issue. She gets very awkward if my mum is mentioned, so we just don't ever bring her up now.

I get the sense she's absolutely desperate to be the favourite. This has all been ignited by my silly DH saying he'd read something about maternal grandmothers having a more emotional bond with their daughters children- what a twit!

It's all making me feel very anxious/pressured and like i want to actually try to make my own mum the 'favourite' which I know is ridiculous. I can't bring any of it up in conversation because I don't want DH to take it as me talking badly about his mum.

So, after what's turned into a bit of a rant, is favouritism even a thing?!

Oh absolutely my two have a favourite. Their paternal grandfather.

They see him about the same amount as their paternal grandmother (still married, but sometimes he comes down by himself), but they vastly prefer him. He's active and involved, and lots of fun, while my MiL is very much reserved and mobility issues means she can't play as much. They don't see my parents anywhere near as much, but my mum makes an effort with them when they're together, while my Dad doesn't (he'll show an interest when they're old enough to golf with).

Yet to see if my mum has more of an emotional bond with her daughter's kids. Neither of my brothers have kids yet, my youngest sister isn't ready yet, while my other sister lives further away from our mum than I do. Though admittedly makes more of an effort. I think she likes my DD more than her grandsons though.

My DDs favourite is my mum (maternal).. shes 3 but has been staying with each parent since 10months old for 1 say a week whilst I work. Morning Drop offs with my mum are much easier than with my husbands mums. Of my husbands parents my DDs fav is her granddad. (Who she loves more than my own dad) I thunk that's because in each house these are the two people who actually spend the most time playing with her

My LO is still too young, but when I was a child I had a preference for one side of my grandparents (my mum's). I don't think it came down to the amount of time we spent together, but personality. My maternal GPs are much more easy going and active, so we spent a lot of fun times with them as kids.

On the other hand, my paternal grandparents were more strict (though still loving!). I still have better relationship with my maternal grandmother now as an adult.

So in general, I think it's more about personality match and quality time together than amount of time you spend with your grandparents.

It's fine for the kids to have a favourite grandparent.
Mine prefer my father and they love visiting MIL most. They change who they want to do things with - their favourite's change.

As long as they feel comfortable with at least one of their grandparents, who are all great people. My kids' grandparents like and respect each other.

My DC do prefer my parents to my MIL (FIL sadly no longer with us). It's because my parents have always been better at playing with them and talking to them, MIL just isn't very good at engaging with them.

I think it's OK to be honest if they like one set more. Mine kids are teens now, I'd say my mum is and has always been the favourite. ILs are kind of difficult and demanding and my mum is just much warmer and easier to deal with. They like my dad too but he's a bit more distant. Both sets are local and they see them about equally.

Yes. My dad by a mile.

Paternal grandfather is my little one's favourite, by a country mile. MiL was quite jealous at one point by not so much now. It makes my mum a bit sad too, I think, but she lives a long way away and LO doesn't know my mum nearly so well.

That was a really stupid thing for your DH to say. Would you feel able to talk to your MIL about it?

Also, instead of waiting for her to pop in could you, or rather your DH, actively seek her company maybe for a day out somewhere.

How's MILs social life generally? It doesn't sound like she has much going on, could she be gently encouraged to get out a bit more.

Finally, in answer to your question, I preferred my maternal granparents because they were nicer and showed an interest in me.

@orangewasp We have invited MIL out to various places, as we do with my mum, but there's always an excuse ('I go to Asda at that time' 'I'm making some stew this afternoon') so it's not for lack of trying!

She doesn't have a great social life but not dreadful either!

My kids love my parents because they do more. Never take them anywhere. Don't buy them gifts unless it's a special occasion but will make cakes and just do things. The other two give money and pop round every few weeks.

Mine are 18 & 22, I'd say my mum is their favourite.

They love my dad and their paternal grandparents (both couples still together), but my mum has been such a major part of their lives (looked after them 3 days a week whilst I worked).

Fair enough @TwinklyGoldReader, in that case you're doing all you can - she sounds quite difficult.

My parents died before my children came along but I believe my mum would have been their favourite because they are both so like her and have similar interests. My in-laws dote on the children but they are very different and are sometimes horrified by how outgoing my children are. Mil is very twin set and pearls, appearances and how others perceive you are hugely important to her.
My mum was the complete opposite and my kids are the same.
I had a favourite set of grandparents. Couldn't have chosen between my maternal grandparents but I was extremely close to them both.
I loved my paternal grandparents but didn't have that really close bond.
After my parents died, in my 20s, my grandad and I became an absolute team. My eldest was only 3 when he died but she has extremely fond memories of him and the mischief they got up to together.

They have a favourite in each set, they prefer my mum and their dads dad.
They see both sets of grandparents a similar amount and always each couple together, so I don't think it's about time. But the ones they prefer are more engaged, talk to them properly and get to know stuff about them. For example my FIL always asks my daughter about her drawings and what she is reading and asks to see her pictures and will show my son model cars that he built as he knows he likes them whereas MIL, who loves them loads, just doesn't engage that closely with them.
Same with my parents, if they stay over there, my mum will look after them like a parent, helping them find stuff to do, talking to them, playing with them and my dad will be kind and smiley but will continue to go about his day as usual.
They just prefer the people who are fun and really want to know them.

Absolutely. DS even wanted to by DM a cushion that said “Thank you for being my grandma. If I had a different grandma, I’d punch her in the face and come and find you.” I had to remind him that he does have another grandma and that he won’t be punching any grannies. He chose something else instead.