Ex DH suddenly wants 50/50!

[MagicNL]

Hi,

For 6yrs prior to separation, I was an incredible mum as I was always there. My ex DH spent a lot of time away, and out doing his hobbies, not just every so often but all Sat and all Sun. As his career rocketed, I took less responsibility and went part time to put more time into parenting. The man had an affair. I found out and kicked him out.

A year has passed and I’m getting divorced. He’s seen our daughter once a fortnight roughly since then. Now from out of nowhere he wants 50:50! This won’t work but I’m terrified as I know legally he’s entitled to push for this.

ive tried asking him if he really means 50;50 and I’m getting the impression he just wants to pop round whenever and take Dd out for tea or a sleepover. I ask him to give me noice (because I book after school care 48hrs in advance if required). He says he can’t. He’s threatening to not allow me to relocate if i don’t show flexibility.

im about to think about the financial order and 50/50 is different to just as hoc. I tried asking him for his 50:50 plan and I haven’t got an answer. He seems to be controlling.

I know all of this focuses on that child’s best interests but I don’t really want an ex in my life too much. He’s starting to ask for photos, more phone calls etc. I feel resentful that he wasn’t really a father for all those years and is probably feeling guilty over Xmas. It feels like parenting on his terms.

advice….what should I do?

I’ve offered him 50:50 (calling his bluff) but he says he can’t until the family house is sold and divided. (I’m pretty sure he can afford to rent nearer as he earns a decent wage). He’s been staying with a friend an hour away.

Thank you xxx

Has he applied for a child arrangements order or is there one in place?

Does he understand that 50/50 means paying for things like afterschool clubs and holiday clubs on his days?

He is indeed entitled to 50/50 but it should be exactly that.

Ignore him a d let him take you to court.

He hasn't even got anywhere for her to stay... So keep the access arrangements as per normal. Eg wednesday evening and all day every other Saturday.

Thank you. I’ll be doing the child arrangement order shortly with the divorce.

it’s just to he controlling but it’s scared me! I have always been the “main” parent and I’d miss the bond.

I'd facilitate the request for more contact calls etc so that you cannot be accused of alienation.
He can ask for 50 50 but it doesn't mean he'll get it. He needs to show he can adequately house etc. But if you haven't settled the financial aspect then it's possible he could house her then you'll have to accept that 50 50 is a possibility.
However it doesn't mean popping over whenever, it means a set schedule. So I'd just say to him that you're fine to consider 50 50 and work on getting the financial order in place and seeing what you're both left with post divorce. If he continues to push for 50 50 then just send him some possible schedules eg week on /off or 2/2/3, reminding him this includes school hols too and see what he says. He may reconsider once he sees it!

Agree to the 50/50 as soon as he has a permanent address with a suitable bedroom for dd. Agree to a fixed schedule (5522 or week on/week off etc). And then refuse to help out on his days (do not book or pay for wrap around care, do not be willing to pick the child up when sick etc, do not provide clothes or food..)
Enjoy the freedom and pick up some new hobbies

He’s got a new girlfriend (aka free childcare) and told her a huge sob story about how you have been withholding your kid and ripping him off for child support?

Another gf is sadly highly likely.
He isnt going to be able to go from once a fortnight to 50% straight away, he may well get his access increased and build up to this, but it takes time. Make sure you arent denying him access as that will look bad, but just continue with the once a fortnight and let him take you to court. He may be specifying 50/50 because he knows he won't have to pay child maintenance in that situation.

Yep.