Do I apologise?!?

[Doyoufeelthepowerofthegladiators]

Ok so straight to the point, a couple of weeks ago I stopped contact between the kids and their Dad due to some issues with their relationship and the impact this was having on the kids, myself my DD’s
school and counsellor all were concerned. My DD couldn’t stay in class due to getting upset with everything and overwhelmed.
I temporarily froze contact but made it very clear to dad I was willing to engage in all mediation and to move forward asap once the issues had been sorted/spoken about.
Dad has not been in touch since apart from to message the kids to say ‘your mum has said I cannot contact you’ he then deleted Dds phone number.
No contact on Xmas day, Boxing Day nothing, I initiated a video call on Xmas day as my Ds was missing his Dad.
Dad is now refusing to have any contact until I have apologised for what I have put him through. He says I have made him ill and put him in hospital, he says I need to apologise for he will never speak to the kids again.
He won’t acknowledge the issues or speak further until I provide him with a full and frank apology for freezing contact and a full reason for why I did so (I’ve tried to explain why but he won’t have it)
He won’t acknowledge any issues he has caused with the kids emotional wellbeing (I am called every name under the sun when it’s his contact time).
But the stickler is my DS really misses him, my DD doesn’t want to see him again.
Do I just apologise?

Do you fuck.

Can't add much to that first reply!

You haven't said how old your children are but:

explain to your DS exactly why his father isn't having contact (obviously in an age-approprate way**).

Children understand and can process better when they're told the truth, rather than excuses being made. Yes, it can be painful for them, but it helps that they can deal with a truth, rather than think it's their fault, otherwise this is what they do - they blame themselves.
Just be factual in what you say and try not to sound critical

(** Daddy is sulking always seems to work well)

And tbh, by the sound of it, your DS is going to be adversely affected if his dad stays in his life ............. so maybe explain things properly now

Don't you fuckin' dare apologise! I don't know what he did to upset your daughter so much, but he's clearly a manipulative self-pitying arsehole with zero ability or inclination to reflect on his own behaviour or take responsibility for his actions. Let him do the running if he wants to see the kids again. Make him organise the mediation or arrange to go through the courts. And if DD doesn't want to see him, she doesn't have to. He fucked up, let him work out how he is going to fix it. Twat.

Thanks everyone for your replies.
DD is 10 DS is 7.
So dad does now have a new partner and a lot of the issues are surrounding this, it feels like I am a focal point of their contact, both kids have come back and reported the following being said ‘your mums jealous’ ‘why has your mum not sent us any money for taking you on holiday’ ‘why is your mum letting you celebrate Halloween’ ‘your a prime target for bullying you look like a scruff’ ‘if I see your hair down again I’ll cut it’. I don’t ever say a bad word about Dad or partner I just tell the kids that sometimes people say things if they are frustrated that they don’t mean.

I’ve explained to the kids that mum and dad need to have a chat before they can see Dad again but right now whilst Dad loves you he doesn’t agree that things need to change before he can see you again.

DD says she doesn’t want to see him right now and i respect this, she says she will be told off for ‘getting Dad into bothers’ which rings a massive alarm bells for me too. She says that Dad’s partner will have a massive rant at her about everything and she does want to see her Dad but she doesn’t want all this that goes with it.

DS is desperate to see his Dad again, but he is coping, it’s made it worse for him with it being Xmas and his Dad not bothering with him.

i just worry he will never make contact again and it’s the kids that suffer.

thanks for everyone’s replies

This

That sort of selfishness is better out of your kids lives, DD and DS will thank you for it one day, i stopped contact with my DDs dad 2-3 years ago, as he was filling her head with crap and making nasty comments about myself and step-dad, it started to really change her from this sweet polite girl to a girl with a nasty attitude, since i stopped contact (she was 11/12) she has told us things that her dad had told her or said and i thankfully kept everything in writing (we had a nasty split when i was pregnant which resulted in police/solicitors etc) so i was able to show her the truth, now she is glad i got her away from that toxic situation and has actually thanked me for stopping contact when i did xx

@Doyoufeelthepowerofthegladiators it sounds like you're coping really well with it all.

And remember, there's no 'perfect' way to deal with all of this - what you do is good enough! At least you're there, which is more than his father is because he's too busy having a tantrum

DS is desperate to see his Dad again, but he is coping, it’s made it worse for him with it being Xmas and his Dad not bothering with him.
i just worry he will never make contact again and it’s the kids that suffer

Xmas is always an especially emotional / family time

But your children will work it out for themselves eventually. What's important for them now is that they have someone there who loves them and who is a constant in their lives.

It's natural that sons want contact with their dads, but it's not up to you really to push for this.

Your DS won't suffer for not having this dad in his life - in fact, he'll probably turn out better for not having him as a role model - but he has a mum who loves him and who is there for him. He may not appreciate it now because he's too young - but when he's older, he'll remember who was always there for him and who always supported him when he was growing up.

We can only do the best we can do.

And it's bloody good enough!

Absolutely agree with @setmestraightplease

You've gone the right thing!

Yes. For the sake of your kids. You can't freeze contact and he could take you to court - this is an abuse of power and he is clearly throwing his toys out of the pram but he needs reassurance you won't do this again.

@lauraloulou1 On what grounds would ex-h go to court?

Listen to OP:

I stopped contact between the kids and their Dad due to some issues with their relationship and the impact this was having on the kids, myself my DD’s
school and counsellor all were concerned. My DD couldn’t stay in class due to getting upset with everything and overwhelmed.
I temporarily froze contact but made it very clear to dad I was willing to engage in all mediation and to move forward asap once the issues had been sorted/spoken about.
Dad has not been in touch since apart from to message the kids to say ‘your mum has said I cannot contact you’ he then deleted Dds phone number.
No contact on Xmas day, Boxing Day nothing, I initiated a video call on Xmas day as my Ds was missing his Dad.
Dad is now refusing to have any contact

He would be laughed out of court!

@lauraloulou1 he needs reassurance you won't do this again.

Actually, OP needs reassurance that he won't do this again

It depends on the court order, what the terms are and what is in place. Sounds like the issues (and I have read the OPs posts) are related to the new woman - but the issues themselves aren't clear. Once a contact order is in place, it can't be lifted just cos one of the parents feels like it due to there being "issues". Great the OP getting support here but being realistic the kids are being and have been harmed by the actions of the mother and she is opening herself up to charges of parental alienation. Unless of course the issues are around safeguarding - but that's not clear. The law has changed and kids can't be used as cannon fodder in a fight of adults and that's a good thing.

@lauraloulou1 the kids are being and have been harmed by the actions of the mother

I can't actually see the harm caused 'by the actions of the mother ' ............. but I can see the harm that may be caused by the attitude of the father

Why do you consider it all to be down to the actions of the mother ??

I don't necessarily - the dad and his new partner seem to be really annoying but it's irresponsible to simply cut contact unless of course the issues are really serious. The blind support given here to the OP is nice for her I'm sure but cutting contact without incredibly good reason is a show of strength from the mother and ultimately bad for the kids long term. And if a court order is in place, really risky. It's all very well gesticulating and riling someone up even further online but offline kids are missing their dad and their dad is being alienated even further. Family therapy might be a better way go?

I deemed the issues serious enough to stop contact. However I stressed in all communication with Dad that the lines of communication were open, and we could sort this out without the need for me to freeze contact. I’ve suggested mediation, family meetings with other members of his family present to agree things, the lot, dad has refused all.

When my Dd told me she wanted to kill herself rather than be with her Dad, and he would’nt miss her anyway. I can’t in all seriousness give contact when she is feeling that way.
My Ds told me Dad told him he would’ve taken him to Disneyland but I’ve stopped it…in reality I’ve never heard of this plan but would’ve supported it no problem.
There is no court order in place, Dad refused to speak about this when I’ve suggested it might be a good way for him to decide what contact he wants and how he wants it.
I’ve instigated communication with Dad and made it really clear my lines of communication are and will remain open for contact but he has categorically told me until I apologise he will not be seeing the kids or speaking to me.
when my daughter had messaged him asking him if he wanted to see her Xmas play he replied by saying ‘your mum has said I can’t contact you’ and then deleted her number.
when we split a few years ago he saw the kids on a Sunday from 12-6 only, I initiated more contact over time for the benefit of the kids.
Ive made it clear to dad I’m more than happy to move forward my lines of communication remain open and he can contact me to sort contact when he feels ready, his response was ‘bye’.

Sounds like you have rotter to co parent with OP. Sorry for this and for your kids. He sounds like any excuse to leave suits him fine and your daughter has a right to decide but I would try and get a mediator/third party set up. Does he pay maintenance? If so he could be trying to stop that or reduce. Your kids in time will make their own decision but as the main parent (as opposed to just default) it would take pressure off you long term to have him as a vaguely supportive present in your kids life. I'd hold my nose and apologise - he is petty man and you are clearly better than him and well shot of him - but he is your kids dad and it's not good for them to think half their DNA is a that. There are good free services you can engage with and it might be good to get your daughter into a talking and listening service (CBT kind of thing) as bad separations even when they for the right reasons can have huge, unintended consequences for kids involved. You clearly the bigger person here. Good luck xx

He pays maintenance but can be iffy on when he pays, it might be a couple of days late here and there and once he mentioned he would rather give me a list of what’s required rather than pay directly.
At our last communication he said that I needed to go through the CSA if it was to continue so i’ll get onto that.
I’ve tried to sort out mediation but he has refused to engage, he has said he won’t until I apologise directly to him first and give him a full and frank explanation of why I made the choice I did and my apology needs to be good enough for him to accept before he even thinks about speaking to me to arrange contact with the kids again.
my daughter is in counselling, which is really helping her but the counsellor flagged some issues to the school which is what this snowballed from really.
its just really annoying he has never once apologised for his behaviours over the years but I have to offer some sort of grovelling forgive me episode to trying the best (wrongly or rightly) to protect the kids?
he also mentioned when he next sees the kids he will be telling them I stopped contact and made him unwell, genuinely feel like I can’t win whatever I do

And you never will win! I'm sorry OP. He sounds like a prat. Once the kids are 18 you can say bye forever. I would definitely pursue maintaince the legal route and limit all conversations with him he seems to love the drama. Be really firm - and definitely don't grovel. I'd say "I'm sorry you feel that my measures to protect our children were uncalled for but...."and the make your case. And then step back. Good luck xxx