Don’t know what to do about my 16 yr old son

[Sarahturner84]

Hi sorry if this is long my son is 16 me and his father split up 6 years ago due to his laziness with his parenting and cheating my son lives with me but lately he has been awful to me I am the parent that encourages him to do homework goes to parents evening sorted college out for him buys him what he needs gives him pocket money washes his cloths and cooks meals as well as working long shifts at work while his dad sees him once or twice a month and feeds him takeaway rather than cook my son over Christmas has Spent 2 days with his dad not stayed there but throughout the day he was speaking to me awful last night he told me he favours his dad and prefers when he goes anywhere with just his dad if all 3 of us go I feel left out then feel stupid because I am a adult and shouldn’t feel this way he also told me he doesn’t want me to go bowling with him and his dad for his 17th in February I have asked his dad to talk to him but he’s useless at talking which was a big part of the reason we split up as we were unable to resolve recurring issues any advice what to do as I am sat here in tears as I write this I am at my wits end thank you for any advice

That sounds really hard. I hope you're okay. I'm not sure what's best . Maybe pull right back, give him the space he thinks he needs and let him then notice that gap and realise how much he actually needs and wants his mum to be part of things after all. I wouldn't fall out with him but almost 'kill him with kindness ' while withdrawing. Relationships change with our kids as they get older, they look at us differently and definitely more critical than before. I think best acknowledge you'd have like to have been involved etc but sort of play it cool and he'll probably reflect and backtrack a bit if not now then in time. Play the long game OP. Good luck xx

Hi @Sarahturner84

Just came across your post and saw no one had yet responded so didn’t want to leave you alone and upset.

It’s so hard dealing with teens and young adults. All I can say is that there is no truer saying than ‘You always hurt the ones you love’ Is it possible he is blaming you for the breakdown of your family unit? However, whatever the reason, I would not allow him to speak to me like dirt. A firm, no-nonsense reminder about respecting you is what is needed here.
Does he have a part time job? If not why? At 16 he is more than capable of doing a few hours work to earn his own spending money. This also looks great on his CV when applying for jobs later on. Buy him a wash bin for his room and show him how the machine works. You are not a slave.
Have you tried talking to him and asking what’s going on? Could he be worried/struggling with something? Next time a trip out is planned for the three of you don’t be available and see what he says.
Honestly 16 is such a tricky age. I think all kids go through this. Just be there for him, keep talking but remember you are not a doormat.

Of course he favours time with his dad. He gets to eat take away, not bother with homework. He basically has a friend rather than a father.

Let him go bowling with his dad, treat yourself to something and have fun yourself.

You are the parent, that is clear and you are doing a good job. He might not appreciate it just now but he will.

Kids tend to act out with the one they know isn’t going to disappear on them. It’s not fair, but he’s expressing himself. You need to tell him it’s not fair or appropriate and that you’re not going to tolerate being his whipping boy. He’s old enough now to be accountable for his words and his behaviour. He needs to speak to a counsellor and get his shit together before he ends up in bigger life trouble.

Hi OP, sorry to hear your son is being rude to you. I've noticed it's something that seems to happen around this age, my DS was 15 and started being rude to me (but not to his dad, intact family). I think it's testing boundaries and you need to let him know that you won't put up with it. Sounds like hes on easy street at the dad's house but back to reality at yours (which is good for him).
Agreed with PP about getting him to do things for himself instead of expecting you to be the maid. And set your boundaries. His future friendships and relationships will benefit from you being firm now. (Being a parent not a pal)

He can go and live with his father....esp if he doesn't alter his behaviour...he is 18 soon. I know this is harsh but you deserve to be appreciated for what you do. You are important too.

It sounds really hard and you've had some good advice. However, one thing I would add .. I don't think it's unreasonable if your parents are separated to prefer to see them separately. He might feel caught in the middle when you are both there - aware of you feeling left out / competing etc. indeed, I'd say my kids sometimes prefer to do certain things with just one parent even when we are not separated. So could you let the bowling thing go? Let him have that with his dad and do something different with him to celebrate another time?

Sorry to hear your son is being rude and ungrateful. It’s a common thing with teenagers - partly that he needs to separate from you in order to grow up, partly that they are remarkably self-centred, partly that you have the Disney Dad thing going on.
It sounds like you still do everything for him - time to start pulling back and moving towards him working part time rather than being given pocket money and participating in household chores not getting his washing done. Think about what happens when he is 18 and what sort of relationship you want with him as an adult and make steps towards it. If all else fails send him to Dad for 6 months. Your son will realise in time he was being a dick and appreciate all you’ve done for him.

He is a child, he is hurtling towards adulthood. My mum would say babies hurt your arms, always wanting to be held; teens they hurt your heart. It's painful to be on the end of a tongue lashing, but take heart in that you raised him better and he will come out of teenage hood a better person that he is now.

Let him go bowling with his Disney dad for his birthday, celebrate and mark the day in a way that suits you, a nice birthday breakfast perhaps!

As a mum of teenage boy, these days are hard and sometimes like yours, he is rude, entitled, mean and annoying. But he is also funny, clever, generous, kind plus a ton of other positives!

Take heart and stay strong 💪