New baby and 3 year old overwhelmed and default parent

[JonsMaria8]

I've a three year old who is a handful and three month baby. My husband works long hours and I'm very much the default parent. I'm alone a lot. My three year old does go to nursery. I'm currently on mat leave.

I'm struggling. I nearly had a break down in a shopping centre today after my three year old ran off whilst I was paying.

There is a behaviour issue with my three year old. I struggle to get the balance right between gentle parenting and disciplining him. I feel constantly judged, either for being too lax and having a kid out of control or for being that parent shouting.

The baby is easier but obviously demanding. My sleep at night is very broken, as expected, but it's been like that since my three year old arrived.

I feel about 20 years older than my years. I feel unwell often. I have no time for myself. I don't think my husband really gets it. He is a kind and good dad but he goes to work and then has relative freedom to do what he wants within reason. I am never without at least one of the kids. I don't know even what my question is. I guess I'm wanting to know if these feelings and experiences are normal.

This is hard and I feel everything you’re going through. I’m in a very similar situation and it’s exhausting.

I think you need to sit your husband down and explain everything you’re feeling. He needs to listen and be more supportive of you. Yes he’s working all day but so are you and you’re spot on, he gets child free time, he gets time out the house, he has adult time, he doesn’t experience what you’re going through.

you need a break, you need time to yourself, doing whatever you feel is a break for you- either staying at home watching tv, going shopping for you, catching up with friends- whatever is relaxing to you.

You also need time with your husband, are there any family members who could give you two an hour to grab some lunch/ dinner?

I’m currently experiencing the ‘terrible twos’ so probably don’t have the best advice on 3 years olds but my little one wears a bag with reins attached when we go shopping. Shes a runner and pushing the pram, doing the food shop and keeping eyes on her/ holding her hand is a lot to juggle at times. We make a game out of it and she puts juice, a snack and a toy in the bag. When she feels a bit overwhelmed then we go and sit somewhere so she can have her snack. Life has changed a lot for your three year old so you might find some of the acting out could be him finding his place in the family.

Please ignore anyone who judges you! Some people are so quick to forget what life is like when children are so young so please disregard any comments or looks, they are not worth it!

Thank you so much. I must admit that I have cried reading your response. Thank you for trying to help. I appreciate it ❤

I felt exactly as you describe at that stage

Good news: it gets better as they get older

Bad news: as I look back I am increasingly resentful of my DH for having been so unavailable at that time. Ultimately it led to me giving up work soon after returning as I was so burned out, he prioritised giving 100% to his career but at the cost of mine. I also wasn’t a great parent as I was so tired and strung out.

My advice is to demand that your DH does more now. He should do more night time wakings, get home earlier, wfh more if at all possible, give you a lie in/break at weekends. Don’t try to manage it all alone, you shouldn’t need to.

Two things:

1. I promise you it does get easier. I've been there. They get older; it gets more manageable.
2. You must immediately sort out time to yourself, every week, where you are child free. Even if it's only 2 hours on a Sunday. Do it now. If you don't your mental health will suffer significantly over the years. And if you don't you will end up divorced as you'll have zero respect for your husband.

Sounds like you're doing a great job. Adk family for support if near by. Get a set of reins for your 3 year old, as suggested in other post. Peace of mind when out at least. It will all pass, just remember you're doing everything you can and you're a good mum. ❤️

Honestly I never thought I'd get through it... I hardly left the house as my baby was so hard too. However it does get so much easier and their bond is so worth the pain of those first few months!

Thank you for the very kind responses. I've followed the advice and have had a chat with my husband tonight. It will have to be a work in progress for a while obviously but we have come up with a plan at least of how I can get it a bit of time for myself. And we've ordered some toddler reins too! ❤️ Thanks again for the support after a pretty tough day.

I have 4 dc and found the move from 1 dc to 2 dc the hardest. But it does get better (hence ending up with 4dc 🤣)

My DH worked away every week, and when we had a night waking baby, we had a system that on the nights he was home, he took the baby until midnight (and I went to bed at 7.30 after an early dinner) and then I did any wake ups from midnight onwards. We then also took turns on having a lie in at the weekend (until 8.30am) and we could do anything with that lie in..sleep, have coffee solo in bed, go for a walk etc. DH had Sat and I had Sun. I was BF, but managed to express a bottle for the 10pm feed to DH to give baby and then we eventually started adding formula.

Sleep makes all the difference to things being manageable. I strongly recommend you protect your sleep as much as you can