Siblings fighting

[Tryingfornormal2025]

I'm really struggling with dealing with my two sons fighting eachother. They are 10 and 12. My older son constantly makes fun of his little brother. He belittles him calling him stupid, weak, dumb etc. When he does well on something he will put it down e.g. that's not even hard, I was doing that when I was younger than you etc. I have spoken to him about being mean to his brother however he still continues this behaviour. He has so much kindness, respect and patience with others but with his brother he is a bully.

My younger son is suspected of having Adhd which we are still waiting for a diagnosis for. However he completely loses control when provoked by his brother. So he lashes out and is violent as well as screaming his head off. I had to separate them today over a simple thing (who had the remote control) and I'm just concerned as they get bigger what damage they could do.

I feel like such a failure that my children behave this way. I'm a single parent and my kids do see their dad regularly. When I mentioned this to him he had the attitude of boys will be boys and acted as if it isn't a big deal. He framed the conversation with them that it was upsetting to me. However the issue if not that it is upsetting it is more that the behaviour is extremely toxic and abusive.

I have awful relationships with my siblings and really wanted better for my own kids but they have so much rage towards eachother. My elder son in particular really hates his younger brother and I just don't know how to deal with it.

Can anyone who has gone through this give me advice on how to deal with it.

What sanctions does the elder one have for his mean behaviour?

And what help does DS2 get with self regulation?

Is it possible that they both have ADHD and this is a form of Dopamine seeking?

I feel for you though. Both of mine have ADHD, different types, and now they're a bit older I say things like "don't get your dopamine by taunting your Brother, go and find some other way of getting it"

I have suspected the older one has it. He doesn't exhibit attention deficit or hyperactivity but can be impulsive. He is very accident prone because of this. However his executive functioning is pretty good and it doesn't impair him in any way except the accidents. I always have to tell him that I don't want to go to A&E that day when I see him behaving dangerously.

The main sanction for them both is to either go to their room to cool down and usually they will have their electronics removed. With the name calling I don't sanction my eldest straight away but I tend to remind him that it is rude and mean to insult his brother. I only sanction him if he is ignoring repeated requests to stop or is escalating by threatening his brother. My younger child with ADHD I really don't know how to help him to self regulate. By the time I get to him he has already exploded. I think I need to catch it before it gets to that point. What do you do to help your children self regulate?

We do things like mediation, you should be able to find some age appropriate guided meditation on YouTube.

A weighted blanket at night might help.

Does he exercise much? That can really help.

A high protein diet should help to.

Thank you these tips sound great. The diet and exercise sounds good. I will try that with him.

If the younger one is 10 could he join a local Hockey Club or maybe you could all try the C25K with him? Just getting him to do a Joe Wicks Video should help, you could even do it together

This guide to getting Dopamine naturally might help too and have you found the SN section yet?

My children are NT and younger than yours (8 and 6) so my experience may not be relevant but we’ve also recently had a problem with the older one picking on the younger one. It didn’t result in violence, my younger child would get upset and cry / tantrum but it was constant and causing a real atmosphere in the house. It felt like the arguments were constant and they hated each other.

We approached it by choosing a quiet time and telling our son his behaviour was like a bully would behave. He had an anti bullying day at school and he was really surprised when I pointed out that his behaviour towards his sister was bullying based on what he told me bullying is. He didn’t like to hear it but it stopped him in his tracks.

We also noticed he was having a really hard time at school and feeling like his sister was better than him. When he had a particularly bad day, the bullying escalated. We’ve spoken to him about him being a different person to his sister, we’ve pointed out that she has challenges herself and we’ve told him that this isn’t ok - we’re here to support him but not at the expense of his sister. Taking that time with him and focusing on where he’s feeling unhappy in his own life seems to have had a positive impact on him and their relationship.

I think yoj have a point with finding out what the root cause is behind the bullying. My older child seems to have a lot of rage towards his younger brother. I think it is partially my fault in that my expectations if him have always been higher than his brother. So because I could see he could do more I expected more from him. I think I need to have higher expectations of my youngest and more realistic expectations of my eldest. I also need to organise their time a bit better as I find in the holidays when they have a lot of unstructured time is when they have more fights.