Losing a mum

[MumOf4andTwins]

Does anyone have experience of children losing their mum? Does the age affect them healing? What are the effects on the child’s life prospects etc?

My mum lost her mum when she was 9. I don’t know if this is the reason, but my mum although lovely!! Isn’t very maternal.

I lost my mum when I was 9, have no doubt in my mind I’d have done better at school and gone on to get a better job if she was here but I think I’ve done ok. Own house, partner, kids and have always worked. Cant really comment on the healing because I don’t think I ever have

It depends on SO many things.

Their age. Their personalities. Contact with the wider family.
Probably biggest influence is their Dad - how he copes. How soon he forms a new relationship. The relationship between the dc and the new partner.

I know a sibling set of 3 young adults who were 8, 11, and 13 when they lost their Mum, and the two I still see occasionally are lovely. They are happy and in solid relationships and happy in their jobs etc. Of course, no-one can say if their adult lives would be any different had Mum not passed away.
It is always there of course - particularly at the forefront at weddings, and the one who has had her own child.

My children lost their father at 4 and 6. I think this has had a profound affect on my son. Maybe not so much when young but absolutely when he was 12 plus and devastatingly so when mid to late teens. Covid also took away so much of his confidence and a couple older men who I think he really looked up to totally let him down and it's taken him years to get over it. We are very close (he's 21) but I can't help but think his life would be different with a strong male role model, even if they were very different people.
I'd say it had much less affect on my DD. My son has close to his Dad's personality but my DD his intellect and drive.
I imagine that if it had been me it would have affected them both, and my daughter more than the loss of her Dad.

i lost my mum at that age also

i lost my mum at that age also them found my dad dead to suicide aged 13
ot completely.fucked me up..
i miss mum, but never likey dad as he abused me
my 1st mariage failed, my childrem dony speak to me i left my second husband and im strugglimg now in this relationship....have no access to gramdchildren...

I'm so sorry to read this I hope you have access to a good therapist to process this

I lost my Mum when I was 4 and my sister was 2. We were brought up by our Dad who was extremely eccentric and a range of not particularly suitable nannies - advertised for in the local paper - he never found another partner and then died when I was 22.

At the time my childhood felt normal to me because it was all I knew. Looking back I realise that the trauma and lack of continuity affected both myself and my sister deeply - I live with a constant feeling of something 'missing' and have struggled with anxiety most of my life.

We both have kids but it has been a struggle as we have no personal experiences or memories to base our parenting on.

My mum died when I was 13. In those days there was no help or support or counselling. I had one day off school and was then expected to behave as if nothing had happened. It's given me lots of problems in all honesty but I think many of these would have been minimised if I'd been given some proper help.

Why do you ask op?

dont be silly....my step mum beat the crap out of me ..therapy....life of hard knocks.....get on with it....

I've just come across this thread as mum to a 4 year old boy and I have terminal cancer.

Besides the immense grief I'm feeling of not being able to watch him grow up, I'm so terrified it's going to mess him up. My husband doesn't really like to talk about the future and I'm not sure he's accepted it - everyone deals with it so differently. He loves our boy to death and is a great dad plus I have a fantastic sister who will love on him so much which comforts me a lot.

A question to those who lost their parents young - would it be helpful to write letters and record videos for milestones down the road, birthday cards etc, or would that just be a morbid reminder at happy times. I'm so torn as to whether it would help or hinder healing?

Thanks xx

I'm so sorry x

Yes write him cards, record your voice, make videos...I'd have absolutely loved that.

Is your ds in school yet? In my DC's primary school class several children sadly lost a parent...they had counselling via the school my ds told me...and very open about it. Luckily the world is a different place nowadays.

@Comedycook he is only just 4 so he starts next September, I'm not sure I'm going to make it to then which is heartbreaking for me - it's my number one goal at the moment. We're in the process of choosing schools and I've done a lot of due diligence, talking to the headteachers and SEN cos as he's also autistic.

Thanks for the advice re the videos, it's something I'll give some more thought too. I just don't know where I'd start as I don't want to blub through them all and it will be very hard to do.

Oh I'm so sorry for what you're going through...x don't feel pressure with the video thing...when I lost my mum it was decades ago before camera phones and she didn't know her illness was terminal so I don't have much left...I'd have loved even just a letter to be honest and more photos. I'm pleased to hear you have a lovely sister and your husband is a great dad...sounds like your ds will be surrounded by love

@jalu47 can you record your voice reading some books or poems for him? That might be less emotional to do?

I know a bereaved child who loved to watch a video of him and his mum reading a bedtime story together. It was recorded completely randomly for some forgotten reason but he treasures it even now he's a teenager.

@jalu47 - I'm so sorry to hear that - do remember that children are incredibly resilient and adaptable. Xx

I would say:

The most important thing is a sense of continuity and stability - the most traumatic thing for me was being left with strangers and places that didn't feel like 'home' while my dad struggled with the practicalities of initially dealing with our mum being in hospital for six months and then as a single parent who had to work. There were a couple of family friends that felt like 'home' and looked after us as much as they could and it was wonderful to have that. We had an aunt abroad who we spent the summer holidays with and we have lovely memories of that.

My dad's way of dealing with his grief was putting our many family photos into albums. They are now my most treasured possessions. I would recommend doing this and videoing/recording yourself. One of the few memories I have of my mum is of her singing nursery rhymes to us - I would have loved a recording of this.

I hope this helps a little x

Thanks @Comedycook @JazzieC @Cat5689

I've just thought we have a camera in his room that records, so I might download some of the candid goodnight moments we have and stories I read him.

I'm doing a memory box and also putting together a book of stories - it's done by answering a question a week about you and your life and I've been doing it for a year and finish it soon. We also have hundreds of photos although my husband isn't so good at taking them with me in them, I always seem to be the one with the camera!

I have read that memory of voices often goes first so I will try to capture that somewhere. Thanks for all your advice, it really helps hearing from those who have experienced it

Xx

My mum died when I was two. My monster of a father remarried within ten months, a woman who hated me and my brother. It made it an abusive and very unhappy childhood. My brother and I have both been no contact with them both for the last twenty years. I’m in my fifties now and was recently diagnosed with complex ptsd from the childhood abuse. There’s no good comes from losing your mother when you’re a child, even if there’s no abuse.

It’s very difficult to mother when you have no template.

My youngest brother was 5 when mum died, I was 21 and there were several other kids of various ages between.

He probably accepted mums death easier than any of us, he accepted that she had died and was able to continue to function very well because he was so young. There were of course days when he missed her and asked for her but he adjusted very quickly.

We found the charity Winston's Widh to be wonderful, they have resources specifically to help children deal with bereavement, both before if it is expected, and after winstonswish.org/

What we have found as he grew up is that he has very few personal memories of our mum, he treasures any memories we are able to share with him, photos, videos, favourite stories, mementos, because he doesn't have his own to draw from.

He was 12 when Dad died, and that was harder for him. Because by then he was old enough to understand what death meant and he knew what he was losing.