How/when to tell kids about death, mortality and all that.

[HalfABottleOfWine]

The other day DD1 (who is not quite 4) found out about mortality. Her own; everyone's; the whole scary thing.

I think she already had an inkling, although I don't know where from. She knew already what it means to die. She'd also more or less made that final leap to realizing that it happens to us all, but was looking to me for confirmation.

She brought it up out of the blue just before bedtime. I didn't want to lie to her, but didn't have any time to think up a considered response. I just had to confirm the facts, acknowledge her fears, tell her it probably wouldn't happen to any of us for a long, long time and give her lots of cuddles. She wailed a bit but seemed happy enough by the time she went to bed. She seems OK this morning too. I think, I hope, that this means I made an OK job of it.

It made me wonder though what age most other kids find out about this, and how people go about telling them.

(Also: first post. Hello all.)

hello
can't post much as must get ready for school etc.
dd1 is nearly five and we had to face this very early on with the death of her friend's father and also her rabbit in quite a short space of time.
my approach was to speak the straight facts and offer as much comfort as possible without avoiding the issue
e.g. I used to say that when the person left us, we still remember them and the love we have for them does not go away. that we can think about the person often and it will make us smile
I talked a bit about the circle of life (didn't sing the song )
I also said that if we lost someone we loved we would be very sad but we would take comfort in our other family and friends
I don't have any relgious belief but if you do, then another poster on here Twiglett has a bood analogy/demostration with a hand in a glove to talk about the soul
will try and search messages

bumping for you to get some more views
anyway I think four is fine, not too early imo

Hello ... and welcome!

We had the same thing with ds at about the same age (he's now 5 1/2, and still comes back to the subject) - I did the same as you ... including coming to MN and asking for help!

2 really good books we used were Waterbugs and Dragonflies, also Badger's parting gifts.

hth

Good question. DS1 is 3.5 and I avoid using the word dead. I don't know why I find it difficult to explain but I think I just don't want him to learn the harsh realities of life just yet.
MIL is 73 and they are very close. I dread the day she dies and wonder if I should help him understand death before that day comes so it's easier to understand.
I am not religious either so would feel weird telling him that she gone somewhere else etc. But a harsh, 'she's just gone and not coming back' just isn't going to cut it either.

Sometimes life preempts us as parents as far as when to tell children. My father died when my dd was nearly four. We decided to answer all her questions using language she could understand. Whilst I didn't wail in front of her, she did see me cry and was able to understand how upset people are when they lose someone. I had lots of my father's things around and again that was really helpful in helping DD understand that although the person has gone, our memories of them and the good times we have had live on.

Like Harpsichordcarrier, we are not religious - we're humanists in fact - and we talked to dd about how things grow, live, get old and die.

Now however, dd is a devout Christian (!) as she is attending our local village school and full of questions about what happens to people in heaven when they die. We answer in terms of ....some people think that....

Anyway hope that helps - waffle over!

my grandfather died when ds was just 3. I took him to the funeral and answered all his questions honestly. He knows that we will all die one day and that we wont see my grandfather again. I believe in God but I'm not sure enough about my views on heaven etc to explain it to ds. I have just said that dying happens when you are very ill or very old and your body gets worn out. Everything switches off and the bit that makes you you stops. I have left it kind of open to explain what might happen to the you bit later on.

My grandfather had a wicker coffin with a very loose weave that you could see through (I don't think my mum had realised when she chose it) and it was nice to see that he didn't look scary or sad and I think ds found that reassuring.

from this thread

By Twiglett on Fri 21-Jul-06 20:48:17
I put a hand in a glove (well in a sock cos I couldn't find a glove)

I said to DS .. "this is you .. the glove is your body" (wiggling fingers all around), "but the hand is the bit that is really you and some people call that your soul or your spirit" (keep on wiggling)

"when you die your spirit goes on" (gently take hand out of glove and make it keep wiggling and swooping around .. tickling him works too as you gently lay the glove down on the ground)

keeping his attention on the hand swooping I said "when you die you don't need your body any more so your spirit leaves it behind" .. spirit hand keeps swooping and talk descends into tickling

lots of people find this helpful ime

Ds (4.3), said that Nanny Seaside was very sad, becasue her dh had died. He would make her a cake and she would be fine.
We didn't take him to the funeral, but he understands a little bit. we tried to answer any questions that he had.
Like many have said, normally a situation, i.e. the death of someone, forces the situtation onto us.

this is an issue for us at the moment, our kids know that there dad is going to die soon, i think you have to be honest with them and just give them enough information but not too much, for a while DS asked if dad was ever going to get better, i said i didn't think so, then next time i said he wasn't going to get better and then, he asked if Dad was going to die and i had to tell him that he was. all kids are different in the way that they undersatnd and process stuff DDs didn't ask questions until after DS had asked them.
there are a few books that we have and i think the one called "sad" by micheal rosen?? is the best one for our kids.

I have five year old triplets and I have explained things in a slightly different way.
Everyone is different and have their own personal beliefs so I think thats the best way to explain things,how you personally believe life and death occur.

We have had lots of losses in our family so the kids have had no choice but to be exposed to it unfortunately.

They know that the body is just something that carries 'us' around and when the body gets old or doesn't work properly we leave our body behind and God gives us a new one and makes us better.
They understand that the 'fishes' () body is buried in the front garden,but that the fish left it behind when he went up to heaven.
They know that Grandad is buried at the church,but its just his body and the 'real' grandad left it behind when he went to get a new one.

They are totally comfortable with death and that way has worked well for us