Parenting style

[Startingfrombasics]

Hi there,

I've a 4 and 2 yo and this Christmas with in laws - and the past few weeks generally - I've really started to doubt my parenting. I think I've generally tried to gentle parent in the positive sense. So not just being permissive but acknowledging feelings while setting a boundary about what needs to happen next. However, this month my 4yo is becoming more and more defiant - manners have gone, they rarely listen until asked several times, actively doing what asked not to, screeching, running away from me. I've probably become too long winded in a back and forth exchange at times, and have for the first time done 'time outs'. I'm increasingly irritable and impatient and with my eldest - we both just seem dysregulated the whole time. The last few days I feel very self aware and a bit judged if I'm honest.

The 2yo picks up and copies a lot and juggling two so much harder than one, especially when trying to be consistent.

Any suggestions for going back to basics and turning this around?

No advice from me OP - but mine are tweens and I’m regretting my “gentle” style. Have been thinking over the holidays that I was too child-led and I wish I had been much stricter earlier on. Feels hard to make a change now, but it needs to be done.

Yes, it's not too late to turn it around.
This "gentle parenting" has got out of control recently, in my opinion. Yes, let's not beat up out child becouse they don't eat broccoli, but I believe children need discipline - they need to respect the parent. The fact they don't listen to you makes me believe you lost their respect.

I just saw this article today:
https://unherd.com/2024/12/the-cruelty-of-gentle-parenting/
I believe it's summarising everything that I also think about gentle parenting - it has benefits, but it's also creates a lot of issues for them.

Children are very smart; they are much smarter than parents give them credit for. Turn it around - they will feel more loved and safe if there is discipline and consequences for their actions.

@Startingfrombasics they always need boundaries!!

MN doesn’t like gentle parenting so you’re in good company.

To be honest though I do think the acknowledging of feelings and the conversations are a bit silly. I used to embrace the GP thing but when I saw people on Facebook groups helpless because their four year old had no impulse control and couldn’t be held responsible and in angst because they couldn’t say ‘no’ firmly it got a bit daft.

With that being said I think a lot of children, gentle parented or not, are very challenging at this time of year. So I wouldn’t blame yourself!

That article is nonsense. It talks about gentle parenting "ignoring" all the feelings that underlie a child hitting/biting/acting out, but this is simply not the case. As usual in media representations of gentle parenting, they don't really understand the mindset, which can be summarised as "compassion with boundaries".

That’s always the case though @FoggyDay58 - it’s always ‘no true Scotsman’ sort of thing with gentle parenting. Someone says something critical about it and the response is always ‘well that’s not gentle parenting.’

I did see that article and thought it was a load of waffle. Equally though I think the dialect around gentle parenting has become silly and almost farcical.

Children need (and want) boundaries.
A firm 'no' doesn't do any harm
There is no need to get into discussions about things most of the time.
Praise good behaviour.
You can still acknowledge feelings but children need to know that just because they feel cross or angry, they can't behave as they please.

I do my own version of parenting without caring about labels. My children all know the word no and I have told them off. They don’t get to do whatever they like and there are age appropriate consequences for bad behaviour.

However, I’m also conscious that my children are individuals and what works for one hasn’t worked for the other two. A firm look at my eldest (10) is often all that’s needed but my middle one (4) needs more than that. You have to tread more carefully with her to navigate her doing what you ask because she is stubborn and it’s mightily unhelpful to get into loggerheads with her. If you frame it in the right way, she’ll do anything for you. It’s not a lack of respect thing - it’s her personality and I suspect some level of ASD/ADHD. She needs consequences and firm boundaries but I also ask myself if I’m making her do it for her benefit or mine.

I think my point is that you have to parent the children you’ve got rather than follow a particular technique rigidly. Abusive parenting (physical and emotional) is obviously never ok.

The problem with acknowledging feelings with a 4 yr old is that it can get precariously close to negotiating (in the 4 yr olds mind) and as everyone knows negotiating with terrorists only leads to more terrorist-like behavior

suggest you start dishing out consequences for mis behaviour like not listening, being rude, throwing things etc. Do not discuss, do not acknowledge, just identify the problem behavior and put in time out (or whatever). Absolutley no more conversation. After the penalty has been completed, then talk about what the dc chose to do, ask them why they did it and talk about other ways they could handle it next time. And then insist on an apology before they go back to playing.

Totally agree

I agree wholeheartedly with this! Parent the child you have is exactly my way of doing it, trying to stick rigidly to one label/method seems a bit... restrictive?

@Startingfrombasics try not to beat yourself up. It's Christmas, they're over excited, you're shattered, everyone is out of routine - does anyone even know what day of the week it is this week?!

I probably do a version of gentle parenting in that I would never hit or be derogatory towards my son (5 with some additional needs) and I find shouting totally ineffective as he just mirrors it and things escalate. I do sometimes, but more from surprise if he suddenly does something that would be dangerous and as he's gotten older these instances happen less and less. I find a firm tone/hard stare works so much better.

I do explain stuff and we talk about feelings, but I really struggle with how long winded some versions of the gentle parenting can be - especially for young kids, it's just too many words! Just keep it short and simple and gradually work up to stuff as they get older.

I'm not sure we're getting it totally right , but he's never had any trouble at nursery and he's doing really well at school. He was chatty and mostly polite over Christmas day with a couple of reminders about manners and redirections when he got a bit over excited - but let's face it, he's 5 and the only kid amongst 7 adults, loads of new toys etc, so we're realistic about stuff and just work the day around making things as easy as possible.

I disagree. I teach at the university, and I see the results of "gentle parenting" within the over 18 years old. They can't take responsibility, struggling with simple things like talking in front of others or keeping deadlines.

In my understanding, the article shows how gentle parenting can backfire - it prepares the children for a life filled with anxiety (which I see every day within the younger generation).

It's very hard to find the right balance. "Compession with boundaries" works when you are the parent, but it won't necessarily work when they are out in real life.

Thanks all. I don't subscribe to one parenting style but suppose wanted to indicate the kind of approach I've taken. I also never said I don't have any boundaries. We always have - 'i know you are sad to leave the park but it's time to go home. We can come back tomorrow. Choose the last thing you'd like to do and we will go'. Then we leave. This had worked with the odd push back but always manageable. It now seems like there is defiance to more and more things and constantly and so it's not effective - I don't know if this is because it never really worked and I was just lucky, or it did but was limited in effect.

Some useful guidance above. I think time outs, less words, and a much more black and white approach maybe now necessary in the hope we nip in the bud.

I parent quite similarly to the way my parents did - that is, we listen to feelings, we discuss feelings and motivations, we aren't shouty (generally) or angry BUT if it is time to leave the park, for example, it's ' we are leaving in 2 mins', 'we are leaving now' and the answer to 'why' might simply be 'because I say we are and I'm in charge'. And I am not interested in hearing any whining or unnecessary crying etc. I agree that children like boundaries.

The SOS gentle parenting fb group is almost a parody. Filled with people whose children don't behave, telling one another that 8 year olds have no impulse control, apologising for any sort of consequence they might have used... It's not for me !

But on the other hand op if you've noticed issues just across this month I would suggest perhaps the Christmas build up has been too much, and January is a good time to re align boundaries and make life a bit more normal.

Sounds like you have been a pushover for far too long, and you need to get firmer. Say NO and mean it. At 4 there is no negotiation, what you say goes.

It was at age 3 I started to realise gentle parenting was BS and by 4 made a fairly sharp change to not being a gentle parent. 4 year olds need more discipline than natural consequences or whatever gentle parenting has to offer. My kid gets time outs and stuff taken away if they misbehave etc. I'm not miss trunchbell and I do still say sometimes it's okay to feel upset/cross but this isn't acceptable behaviour and there will be an actual consequence. I introduced warnings, they get 2 warnings and third time do something they'll get a time out. Honestly my kids behaviour has improved so much. Kids need strong boundaries and discipline. It's not going to destroy their mental health.

It is important to acknowledge children's feelings of rage, frustration, despair, etc etc, because these feelings can be huge, and naming them makes them easier for the child to understand and live with. It's when the parent is also angry or impatient and trying to cover it up with a fake-nicey-nicey super-patient tone of voice, that the child's bullshit detector gets going. Nobody likes being patronised.