Equal spend on children?

[BeeKind1]

I've got two girls 14 and 11. My 14 has asked for high price gifts for Christmas of which I've got most of them, whereas my 11 has just asked for "stuff" stuff - low cost items. I know it's not about material things at this time of year etc. etc. however, my DH and I both work full time and save for Christmas to give our children more than we had. And. So my question is: is it unfair that we have spent around £200 more on 14? And, would you make the difference up with cash? My DH says I’m being ridiculous to want to give our 10 £200 "to spend on crap".

But I'd notice.

Well yeah, obviously. I would too, as id know how much I’d spent on each of them 🤷🏻‍♀️. But you said the children will always remember it. I said mine wouldn’t remember as they wouldn’t notice. I’d be disappointed if mine started adding up the cost of their gifts and comparing them.

Good job you're not my child 😝

Never count up how much I'm spending on each child, just make sure they all have a decent pile of presents and have plenty of things they want. If one wants something particularly expensive they might get a lot of sweets/cheap bits to make up a pile. I'm sure it evens out over time and even if it doesn't they aren't checking. Similarly we will be spending a lot sending one child to uni and probably not another child but will probend up helping him with a house deposit for example.

You could extend the "same cost" to anything.

DD2s hobby costs £75 a year (actually £50 as they give the sibling discount to coaches children).
DD1s can cost that a month.

But DD2 needs driving around three times a week, including one potentially long distance. DD1 needs driving once a week...

So who is getting the better "deal"?

Meeting their needs to treating them fairly.

Exactly! I have one DD who plays football, which costs me £25 a month and a lot of Sundays traipsing her round the county and standing next to the pitch freezing my arse off (plus 2 training sessions a week). The other has piano and singing lessons, which cost me £200 a month but no effort in terms of time/energy.

Definitely not about monetary value for ours - just amount. I always try and make sure they have about the same number of presents to open and things they have asked for. I couldn’t even tell you what I’ve spent on my 2 girls most years, this included. They wouldn’t think about it either. My eldest is almost 14 so of course things she wants are probably going to be more expensive. The same will happen as my 8 year old gets older.

Its not about the price, when you were growing up and unwrapping your Christmas presents were you totalling up your presents cost compared to your siblings? -no you made sure you both had the same amount of presents, and that you got what you asked for, that is all that matters, my kids
all have the exact same amount of presents, but the price varies depending on what they have asked for, my eldest has asked for some books and some tshirts, my youngest has asked for a mini fridge and a bike 🤷🏻‍♀️ xx

I always do as close to equal as I can for fairness now. When they were young it was make sure they had similar amount of gifts. My eldest is going to Paris with friends so she wanted cash. I've got her a few bits to open and will give her the rest in cash to make it similarish to the others. Though, I had to give her 250 this month she never paid back so debating reducing it a bit.

I’m feeling guilt because DS’s girlfriend (18 - Russian doesn’t celebrate Christmas until January with her family) will be here for Christmas morning and only has 6 presents from me and my kids have 12.

Personally we have always done equal cost, we are quite open with our 2 (same age as yours) that there is a budget and they write their lists accordingly. I've actually managed to make the cost and pile the same for another year running! Though I'm not wedded to the idea of them having the same number of presents, it's just gotten fun at this stage ha....

I was raised that everything was equal (even now if my mum gifts my brother something, she'll do the same for me even if not needed 😂) whereas DH grew up in a house where there were favourites and a lot of disparity, absolutely not saying that is what you're doing as you're obviously conscious of it, but DH has a lot of hang ups from his childhood around inequality (not all to do with money) so we go for the way I was brought up.

Just to add I didn't spend equally when they were baby/toddler, toddler/young child, but probably from 5/8 onwards.

How does that work in reality though? For example my 8 year old asked for a Kindle. She has no idea how much they cost, but in any case I got it reduced on Prime day. My 10 year old wanted a mirror for her dressing table… I found one reduced from £120 to £60. If you get something cheaper than they’ve accounted for in their budgets, do you then buy something else to make up the price?

If you did decide you want to even it up, instead of money what about a day out to somewhere they really love?

Then you'll be raising entitled children.

How does that work in reality though? For example my 8 year old asked for a Kindle. She has no idea how much they cost, but in any case I got it reduced on Prime day. My 10 year old wanted a mirror for her dressing table… I found one reduced from £120 to £60. If you get something cheaper than they’ve accounted for in their budgets, do you then buy something else to make up the price?

I think it's largely because I am driven by a budget anyway which I know MN doesn't like, I have X amount for each child (for Xmas and do the same for birthday) they do a little list but both like surprises, so the amount of surprises will depend on how much was on their actual list. So yes if something was on sale, I'd have more money to make it up with something else.

I guess I was thinking more of a scenario where both ask for something that costs say £100. You get one in the sale for £60, so you spend £40 making up their budget with surprise gifts. If the kids have made their lists according to a budget and know that both things cost £100 initially, do you then explain on Christmas Day that you got one child’s gift in the sale and that’s why they got more surprise stuff? It just all feels a bit transactional to me.

Not with cash, wtf? I would buy a high price item today for 11 year old, like a new tablet or two Nintendo Switch games.

You could do something like buy them £100 of Premium Bonds, which they can then cash in when they want something bigger - or save up until they want driving lessons or something.

Don't give your 11 year old premium bonds for Christmas 😂 This is like something out of an 80s movie about a neglectful parent in a high powered job who doesn't know their kids!

@magicalmrmistoffelees my kids aren't that invested in the costs or the cost of each other's to be honest so I wouldn't need to go into that level of detail. But yes if there looked to be some kind of disparity I would explain.

If the surprises are full of dross I could see how it would be seen as transactional, but I have my mum's art of gift giving down and surprises are their favourite part (to the point they actually keep their Christmas list to a minimum!) it's more about working to a budget than being just equal to be honest, they just happen to have the same budget as that is what is right IMO. I suppose it helps the budget is big enough it covers big ticket items so it doesn't really matter if one has more expensive tastes, they just know they would have less surprises.

It's not Mum guilt, it's pretty reasonable guilt - get your 11 year old another high value present. You can't treat them unequally.

That's normal - boyfriends/girlfriends or DSIL/DDIL get around half the presents/value than your kids.

Thank you.
It is my first time doing it.

Don't give your 11 year old premium bonds for Christmas 😂 This is like something out of an 80s movie about a neglectful parent in a high powered job who doesn't know their kids!

My parents bought £100 of premium bonds for my son when he was born. I work in investing so I said I thought it wasn't a great use of the money. About a year later he won £10,000 on that £100 and I had to eat my words.

My kids are older but I do sometimes make up present differentials by putting money in their S&S ISAs. Otherwise it's more that they both have a decent set of presents to open than spending exactly the same. Inevitably, when they're older, one will have a new laptop or phone and I'm not balancing that out as it becomes unaffordable.

I never spent the exact same on my DC as they got older. Mine had a three year age difference and they wanted different things at different times. Over the years it has evened out.

For example I brought my oldest a phone one year, my younger DC did not need a phone or anything of a similar value. Fast forward three years and she got a phone.