How do I help my 7yo?

[HNA]

I have 2 boys, one 7 and one 3. There's a lot to unpack in this post, so thank you if you make it to the end!

Recently my oldest has been coming home from school saying his friends are making him sad.

He is a sensitive soul, and for a while has been playing with a couple of girls he was at nursery with. He has some boy friends in his year, but he says that at the moment they are all in 'crews' who are always fighting or chasing each other and generally being rough, but he sometimes does play with them. Those boys that are not involved tend to play different games, and he says he sometimes plays with them too. There doesn't seem to be any one group/friend that he is super close with though.

So, what he says has happened a few times recently is that the girls that he plays with have been running away from him and excluding him from their games, and when he's gone to either of the other sets of boys in his year they say he can't play with them either, which has meant that he's been left on his own (which is why he's been sad). As I said, there doesn't seem to be any one person that he sticks with or is super close to, and he doesn't really get asked for playdates, and says he feels like everyone is always having them.

We have said to him that sometimes people won't want to play, and it's probably nothing personal to him even though it feels like it, and we know it's not a nice feeling to be excluded. He always seems to cheer up once we've spoken about how he's feeling and he goes back to being positive, but I wonder if it is affecting his self esteem.

Now personally, I really struggle to make friends, I'm kind of awkward and I don't really have any close friends with children that we can meet up with regularly. We don't tend to have playdates or anything in the school holidays, which I know he would love, and I feel incredibly guilty for. I feel like my own issues of not being able to make friends is being passed on to him, and that makes me feel awful as he's such a loving, caring and kind boy.

He isn't being bullied just left out, which as a parent is heartbreaking to hear when they say it keeps happening. So I'm just wondering what I can do to help him navigate this?

He hasn't asked me to do anything like speak to the school or to someone's parents, and I wouldn't do that without talking to him about it first.

Thanks for any help in advance!

If it were my Ds I would either

Tell him to tell a teacher that he's asked to play and they won't let him

Speak to another mum at the gate and see if they want to go park)soft play try making friends

Ask around if there's a football team or sports club children go to where he might get to know someone better then include him at school

Or invite someone round to play.

Be brave for your boy.

You say he doesn't get invited for play dates, but also that you don't host play dates yourself, is that right? Play dates tend to be reciprocal so I would definitely make the effort to invite his friends over after school.

Does he do any clubs after school? These can be a good way to build confidence and make friends.

It's sad. Poor little child. He needs grown ups who are watching, involved and guiding him as well as the other children.
Teachers just don't know how they affect these little people, when they fail to notice their everyday sadness. It's just a nine to five for them, and it's your child's childhood.

@LimeYellow @Heartattack41

We have hosted playdates before, and have had reciprocal ones but only with one boy (he hasn't been asked by others he's had round). But he says that those that he has had playdates with don't always let him play with them.

I work 3/5 days so he is in after school club 3 times a week, and does seem to have friends there, but in other years so he's not asked them as they're with their 'proper friends'. He also does guitar club and is in a band with some peers from his class, but again he says they don't always let him play with them.

I know I have to take what he says with a pinch of salt and though it might feel like all the time to him, it might not be.

Oh bless him. It’s not unusual to bounce around different friendship groups at this age but it is sad if he isn’t allowed to join in. Not everyone likes hosting play dates (I hate them and probably only do one per half term) but how about suggesting meeting up with other parents and their kids at a local soft play/trampoline place/park for an activity instead? That’s a nice easy option for most parents and it’s a great ice breaker for kids as there’s an activity to do together. I would try not to worry too much but it may be worth asking his teacher about it as there may be a nurture group for social skills - I know our school does lego sessions as part of its social skills support at this age.

DS has just turned 8 and he says this quite often too. He says his friends have said he can’t play or he had no one to play with.

He’s just moved up to the junior school and due to a mix in classes he doesn’t seem to have particular ‘best’ friends. I think boys seem to be more like this in general whereas DD always had her 1 or 2 close friends who she would (sometimes only) play with. Boys seem to just run about and play with a wider group.

A few other mums have also said their boys have come home saying similar about having no one to play with. However DS is now at the same school as DD who says he’s always playing with someone! So it might not be as bad as we’re imagining.

@ChipsnGraveee thank you that's really useful to know as I had a few solid friendships from very little but my DS hasn't had that but I was wondering if this is what boys can be like!

OP I really understand where you are coming from, it's so hard being a parent. The fact you are thinking and worrying about him like this shows what a good Mum you are. They do go through different phases like this don't they. It sounds like he's got some good clubs and interests going on. Have you considered scouts? Deffo as the teacher if someone can observe him at play time just to see if he's got anyone to play with, as a starting point. I think parents ask that sort of thing often.
I hope play times get more fulfilling for him soon.