DC Pre-school insinuating abuse?

[Christmasmunch]

I need some advice navigating this situation please.

My DC goes to preschool 2 days a week. The past couple of months DC has been off more because of holiday/birthdays/sickness. We didn't think anything of it given the fact pre school isn't mandatory.

However I received a phone call from the which felt like a telling off, and despite us always calling in advance and explaining why dc has been off, it felt like they were probing for justification and asking what has been going on at home. Despite this getting my back up I left it alone and just told them we would work on DC's attendance.

However the next day I went to pick DC up and the head pulled me aside after everyone left, to ask me about what she thought was a "bruise" on DC. It was not. It's a birth mark that I made them aware off from the get go. I was horrified at the accusation being made and completely taken back. DC has been attending pre school for a whole year, and yet the timing of them deciding to bring it up now feels deliberate.

I can't help but feel like I'm being judged as I'm a single mum who is the youngest there by a significant amount, and feel like for some reason they are looking for something that isn't there.

How do I approach this situation? Ironically they never say anything to my dc's dad and leave all the finger pointing to me, which again I feel like is deliberate on their behalf.

They have to ask about bruises. Not just from a safeguarding point of view but also to protect themselves against allegations. Mistaking a birth mark for a bruise is a bit strange though.

Again with the absences they have to ask. If your child receives funded hours there is a minimum percentage they must attend to claim them. I'm my LA if attendance falls below 90% you have to notify the council who will decide whether the setting can continue to claim the funding.
They aren't judging you, they are covering themselves.

These types of things are awful. I disagree with PP and I think they are insinuating something and trying to put ‘2 and 2 together’ so to speak.

I’m not a young Mum any more but I have been in your shoes, and I don’t think you’re imagining it.

Keep DC in the nursery and continue to show you’re doing absolutely nothing wrong. Calmly ask them about what they are insinuating if you want to.

You’ve done nothing wrong, remember that. They do have to ask these questions, it’s safe guarding but I really do feel sometimes these people see things that aren’t there. Surely it’s better they make the mistake of asking to many questions instead of the mistake of asking none at all?

Just continue how you are and it will all die down in due time.

It's a routine safeguarding check. Just imagine if they didn't check up on the slightly bruised child who was being abused. The trigger for an informal chat like that is set very low deliberately.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid at any of this.

I don't know why you promised to improve his attendance.

Tell them that your son will continue to come in as and when it's convenient for you as a family and not come in if you have something else on. And tell them the bruise is a birthmark. End of conversation.

Oh god I had this (also a single parent to a child with a birthmark) although her attendance was fine, it was the whole “single parent + one solitary mark that could be a bruise = ABUSE!🚨🚨🚨

I hate to tell you but this sort of thing still happens in some primary schools. DD’s current school are amazing. However her previous school interrogated single parents to the point that I ended up having a slightly-heated discussion with the head about the constant questioning of DD about home etc. Despite the fact that she was always clean & smart, in full clean uniform & good quality school shoes, never late, super happy & bubbly, mummy wasn’t ever late to pick up and whom was always presentable, her lunch box always within guidelines and plentiful, no bruises on her. I still don’t know what their issue could possibly have been besides the single parent aspect - “Is she coping?” “Has she always got men round?” “Is she always drinking?” 🙄

Sadly, I think when it comes to some people, we will always have to prove ourselves. It absolutely should not be like that but it is.

On one hand people want more safeguarding measures to stop children being harmed - more checks on children being taken out of school for example.
On the other hand, no one wants to be questioned when it is their child who has poor attendance or a bruise.

The nursery aren't insinuating abuse - they are doing their job and trying to safeguard all the children in their care.

For some children it isn't a birthmark.
For some children, poor attendance is because they're kept home if they have injuries.
The nursery don't know which is which.

They need to ask.

you should be glad they are doing their jobs and taking safeguarding seriously.

I can't help but feel like I'm being judged as I'm a single mum who is the youngest there by a significant amount, and feel like for some reason they are looking for something that isn't there.

Neither the phone call nor the birthmark conversation happened in front of other parents, so you don't know what confidential conversations have occurred between the preschool and other parents - you won't be the only parent being asked these kinds of things, even though it feels like it from your perspective.

It's natural to feel judged and out of place as a young single mum (I've been there), but I think you're jumping to conclusions in thinking that they're jumping to conclusions.

They have to ask about this stuff, and will get in trouble for not doing so - even if your DC is fine, if Ofsted visit, they're going to ask why persistent absence hasn't been followed up, so this isn't unusual.

Re the birthmark, it makes sense that staff might ask once or twice if it looks like it might be an injury (and that new staff might raise it), but it would obviously be unreasonable for them to keep asking you as they know now. The head will have documented the conversation for safeguarding purposes, so there will be a record that you've said it was a birthmark, and they won't need to keep asking you.

I think with a birthmark that looks like it might be an injury, though, there are always going to be new education/health professionals involved with your child who might ask about it in the context of safeguarding.

Of course, it's annoying for you, but those same procedures might save another child's life, so it's a small price to pay.

Thankful? That they're hurting, interrogating (and in my case damn well traumatising) and upsetting innocent mothers?! Surely being able to tell the difference between abusive and loving parents is part of their job description?! Is it not?!

Absolutely nowhere in a childcare worker's job description is telling the difference between abusive and loving parents.

My baby has what I assume is a vein on her cheek that sometimes shows up and looks like a linear bruise. I was asked about it at nursery recently. I'm married and a teacher. It is their job to check. Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility.

A PP pointed out about having to maintain a certain percentage attendance figure to carry on receiving the 15/30 hour funding. I didn't know about that, but that would explain it.

I do think there is unconscious bias against single mothers, but I think you're overthinking this.

I think you are all missing the point that my child has been there for a whole year already. This isnt something new, I highly doubt that they haven't had the opportunity to see it yet. If this was brought up weeks into the enrollment I would understand. If it takes them a yr to realise a bruise I would call it safeguarding ....

There’s two sides with absences - firstly yes they get in to trouble if they claim your child’s funding and he is persistently absent. At some point it looks like fraud to the local authority who pay the funding. The second side is that keeping children off is a potential safeguarding flag, while there are plenty of totally normal reasons to keep a child off, there are also bad ones - eg to allow time for bruises to fade. It sounds to me like they’re a bit worried about the absences, and saw the birthmark and jumped to it being a bruise. They should have a record of the birthmark, and they should have checked this. You could ask for them to confirm in writing that they have a record of your child having a birthmark.

But no, they are not insinuating abuse, they are safeguarding your child. I know it’s not nice, but there are many children out there who need to be safeguarded from their parent. This is them doing their job, not them singling you out. And they don’t think you are abusive, if they thought that they would have called social services already.

I would agree that pre school is not compulsory but if you have take up a place there then you have a responsibility to get your child there, and they have a safeguarding responsibility to your child as well.
The place could go to another child if you formally give it up.
Regarding whether they are focusing their safeguarding procedures on some people more then others, I can well believe it, and it must be annoying.
Our children have birth marks that looked very much like bruises but I never had any kind of comment or complaint so far.