Awful mornings with pre schooler

[LostittoBostik]

Posting here as I've tried everything and I'm on the cusp of just walking out of the home and never coming back this morning.

Not really, of course. But I could happily just walk out and skip Christmas I'm so miserable. Which is a horrible feeling.

Every day 4yo wakes up happy and rested, gets dressed fine then somehow in the half hour over breakfast absolutely loses it. It ruins the morning, every morning. And it upsets my elder child who just wants a happy house and happy parents over breakfast. It's so unfair the impact this is having.

Pre schooler can lose the plot over absolutely anything but it happens every single day.

We have tried everything. I mean everything.

Getting up earlier, later, dressed first, dressed later, food first, food later, lots of choice, no choice, not responding to tantrums, very gentle approach/lots of calm hugs (while being hit in the by her which is horrible), firm discipline so being told off/removed from room and breakfast table.

Sometimes we have to physically move her to protect her sister which is hard at her age (she's in age 5 clothes) without feeling like it's a physical form of punishment - which of course we never ever do - as we have to hold her so tightly to either move her while tantrumming or to restrain her arms/legs to prevent her from hurting us or her sister.

When everything is going calmly it's like she'll look for a reason to start conflict - eg this morning she just picked up a punnet of blueberries and threw them all over the floor -'prompting me to tell her off (I can't just ignore that bad behaviour), prompting the giant tantrum again.

I feel like I'm failing but I've tried every single thing I can think of and nothing is helping.

Can anyone assist? I'm so unhappy with the negativity in our house in the mornings. This isn't the vibe I want as they're leaving for school. It makes me tearful all day on particularly bad days (like today)

I should add that although she has the odd typical 4 year old moment at other times of the day, eg needling her sister, most of the time she's an absolute delight. But mornings are awful.

She's happy in pre school and nursery. She doesn't show this behaviour there. She's fine in the evenings. She's demonstrative, says she loves us and her sister ietc

I feel like such a failure. Can anyone help?

I should add that her tantrums aren't ones you can just ignore in the corner. She screams at the top of her voice and chases after her sister or me hitting and kicking.

She doesn't exhibit this anger or aggression at any other time of the day.

You've probably tried it but can you do a morning by morning routine chart - make it on word, personalise it, laminate it etc so it's special. I even bought some Velcro and made sticky stars for mine. Then you set out each and every step and between each - a lot of hands on to start with - you praise the last thing done and remind of the next, loads of praise and she gets a chocolate coin or something for a full morning of stars. Or you could do it where each star equals a bit of pasta or whatever into a jar and when the jar is filled she gets a treat. Helped change things for mine at that age

I feel you! DD2 has had a meltdown most mornings since going back to preschool in September. It was mainly about not wanting to go to school and she would constantly scream that she didn’t want to go. She wasn’t violent but it was endlessly draining.

I find that her mood shifts after I take her to the toilet in the mornings. If I don’t take her, she’ll hold it until she has an accident at preschool (can recognise that she needs at other times of day 🤷‍♀️). I also just had to consistently say ‘we don’t say that’ every time she screamed she didn’t want to go to school. Took a while but she’s stopped.

We’ve also moved her bedtime forward because she was getting so overwhelmed and tired.

Oh that's very interesting... she always tells me she doesn't need to go before we leave, but maybe I will have to find a way to build that in

Thank you! I haven't tried a full on chart which she can interact with eg Velcro - that's a great idea. I will get one sorted for when we go back after Xmas

I've also pinpointed that she seems to flip when the pressure to eat comes in... I suspect she will be an adult that skips breakfast, but I don't want to be sending her to school without food!

If I don't give her choice in her breakfast she gets very angry but if I do give her choice she can't make a decision and then gets stressed out by that.

I'm wondering if there's a way to make food a less pressured moment for her in the morning? Maybe I should just let her have something poor quality but very tempting eg coco pops for a while just to break the cycle of rage and tantrumming?

How about her making a packed breakfast the night before? Banana and some berries and some dry cereal. She can decide if milk goes on the cereal in the morning.. One of my dc never ate breakfast.. Still doesn't at 20!!. I will add my dd was perfect at school.. Masked it so well we didn't suspect ASD until she was 16.....

It's funny because my eldest is possibly ASD but my youngest I have absolutely no concerns about in that area really - but these explosions are so weird. I do think it's mostly age but we'll see!

I will try the packed lunchbox idea - she might like to help make it the night before.

Who knows... worth a try.

What about a breakfast bar or 'biscuit', then she can eat it on the way if necessary? There are quite a lot of recipes about, some pretty healthy (and some not!). We do what we call 'oaty bars' that are pretty much porridge oats, flour, stewed fruit, dried fruit, and nuts/seeds with just a little golden syrup, and at least as healthy as most cereals. It might feel less daunting than a 'proper' breakfast, and the snacky nature of it might appeal? Or look for one that works with some baking cocoa stirred in and push the 'chocolate biscuits for breakfast'!' angle?

Hang in there, my eldest DD was horrific until about 3 months ago (shed just turned 5) something just clicked and she completely chilled out. I could have written this post myself a few months ago.
With the breakfast thing could you make it a bit fun for her, a fun plate or bowl with her favourite character just for breakfast time. we went through a phase of letting her choose sprinkles, chocolate chips, or honey to add to her weetabix or porridge in the morning, I felt like that was a bit better than her just eating rubbish for breakfast like she wanted, then we gradually cut it down and now she just had a tiny bit ontop.
With DD's big tantrums I just lifted her straight to her room as soon as she began to start (hard work cos she's heavy) and told her she could come down when she was calm, it seemed to work after the first couple of times she realised that nobody was going to pander to it. I have a younger DD and it was really starting to affect her too.

Just to say I love the username!

Ha! Thank you. ☺️

Yes, I always get told she doesn’t need too. Making it a race to the toilet works most of the time too. She beats me every time! 😜

we went through a phase of letting her choose sprinkles, chocolate chips, or honey to add to her weetabix or porridge in the morning, I felt like that was a bit better than her just eating rubbish for breakfast like she wanted, then we gradually cut it down and now she just had a tiny bit ontop.

DD2 has peanut butter on toast with smarties. It’s literally one smartie per corner of toast but she eats it so I can’t get worked up about it.

She can also be quite stubborn with food and often refuses to eat it. Our trick is to just put it in front of her and say nothing. When she’s ready, she will eat it.

Is she like this every morning or just on the days she attends pre school?

Came on here to also suggest a routine chart, which worked well with my similarly explosive 4 year old. We got this ready made one which he takes great pride in ticking off as he goes along. Plenty of warning about what's coming next, and sand timers also help.

www.amazon.co.uk/Daily-Schedule-Board-Kids-Afternoon/dp/B0CL6FZKGQ?pd_rd_w=SVJg9&content-id=amzn1.sym.98a3380d-28bf-4331-b97e-3cb6f35d811c&pf_rd_p=98a3380d-28bf-4331-b97e-3cb6f35d811c&pf_rd_r=2MYY0GTGQ6P58134TZS8&pd_rd_wg=gJnCt&pd_rd_r=899e4bec-a0f1-4bc1-bd01-fdc4b6249db8&pd_rd_i=B0CL6FZKGQ&psc=1&ref_=pd_basp_m_rpt_ba_s_1_pr_sc

It's not pre school, it's any morning when there's time pressure tbh.